Please don't take this too seriously.

[Lorizael]

That is one the theories on the evolutionary origins of depression, yes. Another is that it simply prevents you from continuing to do stupid things. For example, if you're losing some social dominance battle, depression gets you to quit fighting the battle, which lessens the chance that you end up dead.

Regardless, my depression is pathological. I've been experiencing it off and on for something like 16 years now, and it (and my response to it) has seriously damaged my life.

[The Mad Monk]

I had a job in 1999. I delivered the Gaithersburg Gazette to my neighborhood. I was paid $18 every two weeks.

I was the QA Coordinator for a medical instrument company. It was the sort of job where you would lock horns with other departments on a regular basis, especially production. I needed my boss' full support to do my job right. I didn't get that.

[Lorizael]

That's unfortunate. Mine was the sort of job where you had to have a plastic bag for each newspaper. I did get that.

[The Mad Monk]

That was me in college. I delivered the papers fine but the collections were a hassle.

[Lorizael]

It's quite possible that had I not had that job, my life would be significantly less ****ed up. I delivered the paper along with a neighborhood friend, and I ended up spending a lot of time at this friend's house during that period. My friend's little sister had a friend who also spent a lot of time there. At the time, she (and the little sister, and my friend, and my friend's step-father) picked on me a lot, which was pretty rad.

Years later, a random girl started messaging me online. We talked, and became friends, and bonded over the fact that we were both pretty depressed people. Eventually, she revealed that she was my (former) friend's little sister's friend. She had hidden her identity from me because she was ashamed of the way she had treated me way back when and wanted to start fresh. Anyway, said friend eventually became the evil bestfriend we all know and love today, the person (partially) responsible for destroying 2/3 of my romantic relationships.

[N35t0r]

I do this a lot (thinking back and wondering, what if I had done this instead, times a million). I think it's among my most self-destructive behaviours.

[Lorizael]

Perhaps you're still coming to terms with that series of events in your life? Is it possible you can reboot as pre neighbourhood friend's house/evil bestfriend Lori?

Well, I was 13. I'm not too keen on being 13 again.

I do this a lot (thinking back and wondering, what if I had done this instead, times a million). I think it's among my most self-destructive behaviours.

Indeed (for me).

[Lorizael]

It's a nice thought, but no. There's no single origin to my depression, but most of it probably comes from me having been a lonely, picked on kid who wasn't very good at asking for/receiving emotional support.

[Bereta_Eder]

Was there a time in your life where you were consistently happy/content for extended periods of time (months/years)?

[Lorizael]

No. Probably the only period that comes close was the last few years with my ex. We lived together, and we loved each other, and I was motivated and doing well in school. But even throughout that period, I never thought of myself as happy. And that's one of the things my therapist is having me work on--realizing that me constantly telling myself I'm depressed does not necessarily mean that I am depressed.

[Lorizael]

A lot of that sounds very familiar. One of the thoughts I struggle with, though, is: if I constantly tell myself I'm depressed, and I feel bad because of that, then what's the ****ing difference? Aren't I still depressed? Isn't depression ultimately just a feeling?

Again, one of the ways my therapist has helped is by showing me that there is more to depression than just the feeling. When I'm really depressed, I can't get out of bed, I yell at my friends, I have no energy, I get no pleasure out of anything, etc. And I tell myself that I'm depressed. But that last one is only a single component, a single sign, of depression. Me doing that when I'm not really depressed represents, probably, some of the long-term damage of having been depressed for so long, but it's not depression by itself.

In fact, it can be thought of as my brain's (unsuccessful, unhealthy) attempt to ward off depression. Because depression has been so scarring and so painful for me, by brain is extremely sensitive to anything that feels like depression, and it ramps into overdrive whenever it detects a hint of negative feelings. It yells at me, saying, "Look! Lori! You're depressed again! Quick! Do something!" And that eventually morphs into my brain saying that I never really stopped being depressed, that I never truly change or grow, that no matter what I'll always fail and return to my old ways.

Sigh. I have a long road ahead of me. Because even though I may not be depressed all the time, my core belief that I can't change is, at least so far, unchanging.

[Bereta_Eder]

The reason I asked was because if there was such a time, you can always try to replicate it.
Recreate the circumstances and events that brought you to that place.
It's true that people change and so do their "wants" so even that is not absolut.

[Ben Kenobi]

Paiktis- that's not always possible and that can sometimes lead to even worse outcomes. Which reminds me of my therapist.

[Sava]

Well, I'm currently paying a professional to tell me I'm not a failure, so...

My last therapist ended up going apeshit and calling me Hitler. But this is after I pretended to have multiple personalities.

[Sava]

A lot of that sounds very familiar. One of the thoughts I struggle with, though, is: if I constantly tell myself I'm depressed, and I feel bad because of that, then what's the ****ing difference? Aren't I still depressed? Isn't depression ultimately just a feeling?

I don't know if thoughts have quite that power. I seriously question the "think happy be happy/think sad be sad" theories. My thoughts/self/will can't make my liver or kidney function more efficiently. Relaxing can lower your heart rate, but not by pure thought. Thoughts can't ward off my morning ****. Thoughts can't make my bladder not fill up.

So why is it that thoughts can seemingly control the release of the hormones and endorphins (or whatever) responsible for our emotional states?

The simple answer is... they probably can't. The answer is likely biochemical.