Please don't take this too seriously.

[self biased]

any way you can call your therapist and get an emergency session?

[Lorizael]

Almost certainly. But in the year and a half that I've been seeing my therapist, I've mentioned this particular problem of mine only once. It's something I really don't like talking about, something about myself I truly despise.

[N35t0r]

Just try not to leave any traces back to you on the body.

[self biased]

you're a smart dude, lori, and i know that you know that keeping **** from your therapist is a bad idea. even if it's as awful as awful can be, you've asked this person to help you heal yourself. they can't do that unless everything is out on the table.

but you know this. so... yeah.

[Lorizael]

I'll talk to my therapist. Probably. Alternatively I could just continue to torture myself over this, the only mental issue I have that I've never dealt with in any way, never sought treatment for, never dared talk about.

[Lorizael]

I have three big issues: depression, anxiety, and this. Being depressed and socially anxious just make me a pathetic human being. This issue makes me a bad human being. I'm not too keen on admitting to others that I'm a bad person.

[N35t0r]

Bestiality isn't that bad

[Al B. Sure!]

Better a therapist handles this now before the justice system gets involved.

[Lorizael]

Justice system not required. I haven't done anything illegal. My inner demons are just that.

[Al B. Sure!]

Your inner demons need to get exorcised before you do anything illegal. They are not going to go away once your life gets on track and they might be a cause of some of your issues. Knowing you are a bad person, by your own admission, surely influences and increases your depression. You need to get help.

[Lorizael]

All true. Doesn't make the act any easier, though.

[The Mad Monk]

Try summoning your inner drill sergeant. Imagining an 800 pound gorilla screaming specific orders at you to do what you need to do works for me in small bursts.

[The Mad Monk]

Please delete that, we don't need to start that here.

[Lorizael]

My worry is always this: I exhibit an unhealthy amount of control over my own actions. I don't touch people, I don't get drunk or let loose or do anything spontaneous, I don't enjoy myself. A lot of why that's the case is because I don't trust myself. I would be much better off if I could learn to relax at times. And yet if I do that, it means I'm not entirely in control of my actions any more, and who knows what could happen then. So that's the thing. Everyone has demons, yes, but I believe (rightly or wrongly) that my demons are only on the inside because of the freakish degree to which I circumscribe my actions.

[Felch]

Have you tried cutting yourself off from all your friends, neglecting your personal hygiene, giving up on life, and hiding in some deep dark hole of shame, worried that people will find out some secret that you think is terrible but nobody else cares about?

I admit, it's never worked for anybody else, but maybe it'll work for you.