Please don't take this too seriously.

[DaShi]

It only happens for a split second. I have to remember whether or not a conversation I've had with someone happened for real or only in my head. There's only one instance in which I'm really not sure if something happened in reality or not.

...

Yes, I get fixated on people. No, I don't stalk them. Stalking, in a legal sense, generally involves harassment--following people around, contacting them endlessly, and causing emotional distress. I don't do any of that. I certainly don't cause distress, because the people I become fixated on usually aren't aware that I even exist (or that someone is fixating on them). All I do is collect information to fuel my fantasies. I don't even come by my knowledge illegally; I just (metaphorically) pick up what people leave lying around. (Ugh, I sound like I'm defending myself here. What I do is disgusting and creepy as all hell, but not strictly speaking illegal.)

...

This began in middle school, when I had a conversation with a particular girl in science class and became convinced that I was in love with her. I could not now tell you what that conversation was about, but I can say with absolute certainty that I was not truly in love with her. She was aware that I had a crush on her, but probably not aware that I spent a good chunk of my mental energy trying to figure out how to save her from the bad crowd she had fallen into, or trying to figure out what she was telling me when her hand brushed up against my desk that one time.

A lot of really embarrassing and painful stuff happened as a result of all this (she's the reason I once came close to suicide), but we're fast forwarding to 9th grade. I came into school one day and she approached me and told me to meet her at the bottom of E Hall at lunch because she needed to talk to me. I had no idea why she wanted to talk to me, but I certainly wasn't going to disobey my one true love. So I dutifully went down to E Hall at lunch and waited, and waited, but she never showed. The next time I had any measure of interaction with her was several years later when she walked into my local gaming store. She didn't recognize me; I fled the building.

Anywho, the point is that I sometimes have serious doubts that she ever approached me and told me to meet her at the bottom of E Hall. I sometimes believe I hallucinated that encounter. I can't say for sure. The other possibility, of course, is that she was just pulling a prank on me.

I hate myself.

You should find her and punch her in the boob.

[DaShi]

I guess I should stop being so circumspect. So here it is in a slightly less circumspect fashion:

I get really into stuff. Like, a couple years ago I was working on a novel, and I needed a plausible explanation for some made up science thing happening on Europa. So I dug into what is known about Europa, and dug into chemistry and biology, and dug into the jargon scientists use and all that. I was reading journal papers and doing all sorts of research so that I could know as much as possible about what would amount to no more than a paragraph in my novel.

See, when I become interested in something, I research the **** out of it. It can get distracting, really. In fact, I've spent the last week researching just what the **** is wrong with me, because I absolutely have to know, and I have to be certain. It means I sleep less. It means I leave the house less. It means I get so caught up in what I'm researching that I sometimes forget which reality I'm living in.

And I can become interested, and fixated, on anything. It's been happening for decades. Most of the time it only lasts a few days, but sometimes it lasts for years. The fixation only happens in my head, sometimes taking the form of elaborate fantasies. But it never results in any action in the real world because all it is is a desire to know. I just want to know as much as possible about whatever I'm interested in, just in case I ever do encounter my interest in the real world. Then I will be an expert and choose the correct course of action. Except that there's always more to know, which means there's always uncertainty, which means I can never actually risk applying my knowledge.

Monkeys.

Someday you will die. Then what good will your knowledge be! Huh? HUH?!!!!

[Ben Kenobi]

showcases just how little you know about human psychology.

Don't you mean Hew-Mons?

[Lorizael]

You should find her and punch her in the boob.

I sincerely hope I never encounter her again.

Someday you will die. Then what good will your knowledge be! Huh? HUH?!!!!

I don't plan on dying.

[Aeson]

I guess I should stop being so circumspect. So here it is in a slightly less circumspect fashion:

I get really into stuff. Like, a couple years ago I was working on a novel, and I needed a plausible explanation for some made up science thing happening on Europa. So I dug into what is known about Europa, and dug into chemistry and biology, and dug into the jargon scientists use and all that. I was reading journal papers and doing all sorts of research so that I could know as much as possible about what would amount to no more than a paragraph in my novel.

See, when I become interested in something, I research the **** out of it. It can get distracting, really. In fact, I've spent the last week researching just what the **** is wrong with me, because I absolutely have to know, and I have to be certain. It means I sleep less. It means I leave the house less. It means I get so caught up in what I'm researching that I sometimes forget which reality I'm living in.

And I can become interested, and fixated, on anything. It's been happening for decades. Most of the time it only lasts a few days, but sometimes it lasts for years. The fixation only happens in my head, sometimes taking the form of elaborate fantasies. But it never results in any action in the real world because all it is is a desire to know. I just want to know as much as possible about whatever I'm interested in, just in case I ever do encounter my interest in the real world. Then I will be an expert and choose the correct course of action. Except that there's always more to know, which means there's always uncertainty, which means I can never actually risk applying my knowledge.

Monkeys.

Make websites about the subjects if you can.

I'm the same way. For the first 30 years I kept all of it internal for the reasons you describe. Find a way to get it out. Anything that interests you, interests someone else. Probably a large group of people who are trying to find out about it on the internet.

At worst the website you put up under a pseudonym bombs and you spent a few bucks on therapy (getting it out). Get a bit lucky and you have a business.

I know you can do this, because that's what this thread is. It just has my ads on it and needs a subject matter with wider appeal.

[Sava]

this is maddeningly unhelpful, and showcases just how little you know about human psychology.

[Sava]

honestly Lori, I don't get why you are worried (unless needless worrying is the problem)

As far as I can tell, you aren't doing anything illegal or immoral. You aren't hurting anyone else.

just chill your mind's voice a little bro

[Lorizael]

Here's how I look at it. If I were obsessed with a girl, and constantly looking for information about her, and playing through intricate fantasies involving her, and she found out, she'd be justifiably creeped the **** out.

[Sava]

well yeah


but that's how it works


hey, i was looking up my neighbor's hot friends on FB (they graduated HS this year)

yesterday, I even took a creepshot
before you judge, let me explain:

i have an awesome camera with a super zoom that allows me to see the lunar landscape quite clearly when i look at the moon

the one girl was wearing super short shorts and her ass was hanging out

I couldn't not take a picture of that

[Bereta_Eder]

Maybe all this "distant - searching" is being done because something, for the time being, stops you from going out in the "real world" and just finding out in a direct way, what it is you'll find out.

Because this searching doesn't actually reveal the other person.
She could be listening to classical music, so you say, oh here's a kind hearted sensitive soul.
But, in reality, she could be a *****.

So maybe this is just a byproduct of an avoidance personality and once you get over this, this "remote searching" will diminish.

Also "knowing everything there is to know about something/someone" doesn't mean you actually control it.

[Lorizael]

well yeah


but that's how it works


hey, i was looking up my neighbor's hot friends on FB (they graduated HS this year)

yesterday, I even took a creepshot
before you judge, let me explain:

i have an awesome camera with a super zoom that allows me to see the lunar landscape quite clearly when i look at the moon

the one girl was wearing super short shorts and her ass was hanging out

I couldn't not take a picture of that

Yeah, that's not something I could ever do. To me, that crosses some kind of fuzzy line I've got drawn in my head. If all I am is a passive collector of information, then it's "okay."

[Sava]

Yeah, that's not something I could ever do. To me, that crosses some kind of fuzzy line I've got drawn in my head. If all I am is a passive collector of information, then it's "okay."

I consider something to be "active" when I'm not sitting in my computer chair.

[N35t0r]

I don't plan on dying.

Disembodied brain. Bam, called it.

[N35t0r]

Make websites about the subjects if you can.

I'm the same way. For the first 30 years I kept all of it internal for the reasons you describe. Find a way to get it out. Anything that interests you, interests someone else. Probably a large group of people who are trying to find out about it on the internet.

At worst the website you put up under a pseudonym bombs and you spent a few bucks on therapy (getting it out). Get a bit lucky and you have a business.

I know you can do this, because that's what this thread is. It just has my ads on it and needs a subject matter with wider appeal.

This sounds like an interesting thing to try.

Also, anything that interests you interests someone else.

[Lorizael]

That girl from middle school? At the time, I knew her entire class schedule, her phone number, her address, her screennames, every outfit she wore, every hairstyle she had, and her favorite brand of cigarette. Yeah, that was really useful information for me to have. I made some very informed decisions with it.