Ex

[Lorizael]

We broke up

one

two

three

four

years ago, because she wanted kids and I didn't.

This past week, she texted me to say that she and her husband are moving and that she wanted me to come by to pick up some things of mine that were still there. (Initially, after we broke up, we tried to be friends and gaming continued to happen at her house, where we had lived together. When I couldn't handle being friends with her anymore, gaming stopped happening there, but some of the old games that belonged to our gaming group remained at her house basically in storage.) In the text, she suggested that a mutual friend of ours could come by and pick it all up if it was too weird for me. I hate that the people who care about me feel I need to be coddled, but I hate even more that they're right.

I went by and picked up the stuff, but I was barely able to keep it together. When everything was packed up, her husband wandered off, probably to give the two of us a moment to talk or whatever, but I basically escaped at that point. I wanted to ask her if she's happy, if she's writing, all of that, but I couldn't manage it. I will probably never see her again. I am still ****ed up over her. People say I shouldn't be hard on myself, that it takes time to heal, bla bla, but it's been four ****ing years. I should be over this. It shouldn't still reduce me to sobbing.

But I don't know how to get past this. Like, there's this nice story you can tell about a ****ed up Lori who never got anything done and made bad decisions and had unhealthy, conflict-filled romantic relationships. And then 9 years ago Lori started to turn it all around, became responsible, set goals, met a girl, fell in love, started to build a life with her, went back to school, all that. And if life were a movie, somewhere in there is where it ends, with the audience reasonably confident things turned out well and Lori and the girl lived happily ever after. But for some ****ing reason, that's not how things went. Lori broke up with the love of his life and it makes a **** ton of sense that romantically it's all been **** since, because we're not telling the right story anymore; we've veered off into frankly unbelievable bull**** you just needed to keep the series going by introducing contrived drama territory. And the idea that I... ****ing socially crippled Lori... will ever be able to build up something as wonderful as I had with the ex again, it just seems like a ****ing joke.

****, I just want to stop being upset about her.

[rah]

Only you can help yourself. Good luck. Another women wouldn't hurt.

[ZEE]

My god you actually saved the links to all your old thrades? I am almoast glad I forgot moast of mine!

[Lorizael]

My god you actually saved the links to all your old thrades? I am almoast glad I forgot moast of mine!

Saved them? No, I was just searching through my list of started threads. Why do you think I posted at 2 am?

[Lorizael]

Another women wouldn't hurt.

I guess. Not a lot of evidence it would help either, at this point. There was the linguistics TA I asked out long ago, the other attractive writer in the writing group, my disastrous attempt at casual sex with a friend, and the astronomy TA I tried to go out with this past semester. I mean, trying with 4 women in 4 years is not exactly a breakneck pace, but it's also not nothing. And my lack of success just seems to confirm that my actual success with my three previous girlfriends looks mostly to have been luck. I don't think I'm going to get lucky again.

[rah]

Play the percentages. I had to go through a few to find a keeper. You can't win if you don't play.
There is more than one woman out there for everyone. I know it doesn't help, but don't give up. It's too much fun when you find one.

[Bereta_Eder]

I predict, in the somewhat near future, a revolutionary explosion changing course in Lori's path that will make him reasonably happy and somewhat adjacent to his life goals and he will say then, there was this drunk goofball greek guy that was telling me this and I didn't believe him.
Luckily his OCD with keeping threads won't be gone so he can recourse to this thread.


The coast is there, the coast is close...

[The Mad Monk]

...the coast is clear?

[Lorizael]

I predict, in the somewhat near future, a revolutionary explosion changing course in Lori's path that will make him reasonably happy and somewhat adjacent to his life goals and he will say then, there was this drunk goofball greek guy that was telling me this and I didn't believe him.
Luckily his OCD with keeping threads won't be gone so he can recourse to this thread.


The coast is there, the coast is close...

I just started a full-time job with my university, doing archival work for NASA. This may be the beginning of a real career that will allow me to turn my finances around, maintain a decent lifestyle, all that. But none of that is going to make it any easier for me to get lucky a 4th time.

[-Jrabbit]

You're dead wrong there. Having a career path - even a possible one - is a huge plus in how potential mates evaluate prospects.
Compare "I have my degree and work for NASA" with "I sometimes drive Uber to make my rent."

[Lorizael]

Here's what gets to me. Like, I should be all happy that I got my degree and now I have a job in astronomy, but that's just one thing, the one thing I've managed to stay focused on these last few years. Look at my life before the ex and I broke up, though. We lived together in a house, had a gaming group we gamed with, a writing group we wrote with, we exercised, we made dinner, we had a cat, we visited family during the holidays, we went out and met new people, we went on adventures together, we watched shows and lectures together, we read and edited each other's stories. We had this rich and engaging life together.

But after we broke up, here's my life. I've been renting a tiny room, living with strangers I can barely talk to. I no longer spend any time with the writing group and have almost no connection to that group of friends. I've made almost no new friends and become a part of no new communities/groups in the last 4 years. I eat dinner in my room, alone, and it's almost always some frozen microwaveable ****. I don't go out and do exciting things or make new memories or have any experiences really worth holding on to (except, yes, school).

That rich and engaging life was apparently only possible because of her, because she pushed me and made me better, because we were good together. I mean, just look at the road trip. Eight years ago, after we'd been together for only a few months, we took a 17 day road trip across the US. That was an unforgettable and unique experience. I'd never done anything like that before, and I haven't since. And it's not really a money thing. At that point, I had just bought a car and taken a 20% pay cut at work (furlough days) because of the recession. But I still did it, because with her I felt motivated to actually ****ing live.

Without her, well, the last 4 years are all the evidence I need of who I am in such a state. If life without her for the next half century is going to be nothing more than staying alive until I die, what's the ****ing point.

[Ming]

Why do you need somebody else to push you?
Take control of your life. Don't make excuses.

But after we broke up, here's my life. I've been renting a tiny room, living with strangers I can barely talk to.

THEN CHANGE YOUR LIVING SITUATION

I no longer spend any time with the writing group and have almost no connection to that group of friends.

And why not? Get back together with them. If that's what you want, make an effort.

I've made almost no new friends and become a part of no new communities/groups in the last 4 years.

Then get out and meet new people.

I eat dinner in my room, alone, and it's almost always some frozen microwaveable ****.

Now you are just whining. There are different decisions you can make.

I don't go out and do exciting things or make new memories or have any experiences really worth holding on to (except, yes, school).

Then go out and plan some exciting things.

You don't need somebody else to "push" you into good things. You only need to push yourself.

Take some responsibility... It's your life. Take CHARGE!

[Lorizael]

It's not that I haven't been doing anything. I mean, I've been very busy the last few years, going to school during the day and working at night (and vice versa before that). I haven't had a lot of free time, because I made the choice instead to put all of my energy into getting my degree (and supporting myself). Clearly, I am capable of taking charge of my life and doing things. But the choices I've made have been very narrowly focused. Left to my own devices, that is apparently what I will choose to do. Even if I miss out on things and I'm unhappy about it, and even if I am presented daily with the evidence (from school) that I can commit to new things and follow through, that all is apparently not enough to convince me to actually make other choices. Only with the ex was I apparently so inclined.

[Ming]

You're living in the past. And you are using you ex as an excuse.
Why do you need somebody else to be motivated?

Not seeing your story friends is a classic example. Call them... get together. It's that simple.
OK, you have proved through school you can commit to new things. Expand on that.

Don't just suffer in self pity because life was so great before. Make it great again. It's YOUR CHOICE!

[Dinner]

Lori needs to grow a pair and stop obsessing about the past because it is prevebting him from being who he wants to be in the prese t and by extension in the future. Women generally don't want men who mope obsessively about their ex so stop doing that and you will dramatically improve your odds of meeting the future Mrs. Lori.

[Dinner]

You're living in the past. And you are using you ex as an excuse.
Why do you need somebody else to be motivated?

Not seeing your story friends is a classic example. Call them... get together. It's that simple.
OK, you have proved through school you can commit to new things. Expand on that.

Don't just suffer in self pity because life was so great before. Make it great again. It's YOUR CHOICE!

This. **** or get off the pot.