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Okay, I think I'm leaving poly for awhile. I think I have to. The last two months have been... interesting... for me.
This summer I started seeing a therapist again and I also started taking antidepressants again. I'm on Paxil. For awhile the only noticeable effect of the Paxil was that I was sleeping better. Like, I was actually getting a decent amount of sleep every night.
But I was still terribly unhappy. The source of that unhappiness is... well... the source of my unhappiness is my chemically-induced depression; but there was a particular issue in my life that was causing me a fair bit of consternation. You all at Apolyton (at least the ones who bother to follow my little drama) have come to know this problem as the best friend who's ruining my life.
She was away in New Zealand during the spring. Then she came back... except that she didn't come back. We kept missing each other, and she kept spending time with other people, and before I knew it her life was changing and I wasn't experiencing those changes with her. I was hearing about them after the fact. And that's just not normal for us.
So, after a long enough period of time I confronted her about this. I told her that I didn't think we were really friends anymore, that we weren't a part of each other's lives. And she... agreed. She said it wasn't a conscious decision on her part, but she'd come to realize that the things she got from me she could get from other people. She could also get things from other people that she had never gotten from me. And, with new people, she didn't have to deal with the same old **** I put all my friends through. Being depressed all the time takes its toll on your friendships.
For the rest of the day I was devastated. The next day I went to work, but I was still devastated. I left early. I came home. But then as the day progressed, a change came over me. I realized that this was an opportunity. This was my chance to finally break free of my depression, of the part of my brain that binds me to the past. I could start fresh.
I went to work the next day and had the most productive day of work I'd had in maybe years. And it's continued since then until now (a period of about a month and a half). My productivity at work has literally doubled. But there are more changes. I have more energy, I'm trying new things, I'm breaking old habits, I'm exercising. I'm doing... okay.
And I have plans. I'll be moving far across the country when my lease is up here, I'm saving money to buy a new car, I'm beginning to write again - I can see these goals of mine in the future, see them coming to fruition.
But I've realized that this sudden burst of motivation is going to fade eventually (it always has before), and I need to find a way to make it stick. I've been holding off on restarting my meditation regimen, but I can do that no longer. I'm going to start that tonight.
And I'm also going to leave Apolyton - for a couple of reasons. First, this is one more distraction that I can't let squander my time at this critical moment in my life. Second, once November begins and I'm fully invested in my 50,000 word novel, I will have almost no free time. Third, I need to leave for symbolic reasons. I don't need to leave Apolyton, but doing so is an effort, an exertion of my will, a sign that I'm doing something to fight my lethargy.
So, that's it for now. I'm leaving forever. I'll see you guys later.
This summer I started seeing a therapist again and I also started taking antidepressants again. I'm on Paxil. For awhile the only noticeable effect of the Paxil was that I was sleeping better. Like, I was actually getting a decent amount of sleep every night.
But I was still terribly unhappy. The source of that unhappiness is... well... the source of my unhappiness is my chemically-induced depression; but there was a particular issue in my life that was causing me a fair bit of consternation. You all at Apolyton (at least the ones who bother to follow my little drama) have come to know this problem as the best friend who's ruining my life.
She was away in New Zealand during the spring. Then she came back... except that she didn't come back. We kept missing each other, and she kept spending time with other people, and before I knew it her life was changing and I wasn't experiencing those changes with her. I was hearing about them after the fact. And that's just not normal for us.
So, after a long enough period of time I confronted her about this. I told her that I didn't think we were really friends anymore, that we weren't a part of each other's lives. And she... agreed. She said it wasn't a conscious decision on her part, but she'd come to realize that the things she got from me she could get from other people. She could also get things from other people that she had never gotten from me. And, with new people, she didn't have to deal with the same old **** I put all my friends through. Being depressed all the time takes its toll on your friendships.
For the rest of the day I was devastated. The next day I went to work, but I was still devastated. I left early. I came home. But then as the day progressed, a change came over me. I realized that this was an opportunity. This was my chance to finally break free of my depression, of the part of my brain that binds me to the past. I could start fresh.
I went to work the next day and had the most productive day of work I'd had in maybe years. And it's continued since then until now (a period of about a month and a half). My productivity at work has literally doubled. But there are more changes. I have more energy, I'm trying new things, I'm breaking old habits, I'm exercising. I'm doing... okay.
And I have plans. I'll be moving far across the country when my lease is up here, I'm saving money to buy a new car, I'm beginning to write again - I can see these goals of mine in the future, see them coming to fruition.
But I've realized that this sudden burst of motivation is going to fade eventually (it always has before), and I need to find a way to make it stick. I've been holding off on restarting my meditation regimen, but I can do that no longer. I'm going to start that tonight.
And I'm also going to leave Apolyton - for a couple of reasons. First, this is one more distraction that I can't let squander my time at this critical moment in my life. Second, once November begins and I'm fully invested in my 50,000 word novel, I will have almost no free time. Third, I need to leave for symbolic reasons. I don't need to leave Apolyton, but doing so is an effort, an exertion of my will, a sign that I'm doing something to fight my lethargy.
So, that's it for now. I'm leaving forever. I'll see you guys later.
Good luck.
so don't take too long
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