Please don't take this too seriously.

[Lorizael]

Growing up, I knew a lot of people who cut. My first and second girlfriends, EBF, even some of my male friends. For a very long time, I never understood cutting. I couldn't imagine why anyone would intentionally, deliberately cause pain to themselves. I eventually realized that I was no different. I hurt myself, and I did it on purpose. It's just that my hurt was emotional. I go back to my memories because it lets me feel something, anything. Yes, it hurts. It causes heart ache and regret and all that. But it's pain that is entirely under my control, and mixed in with the pain is some pleasure, because I can place myself in different times in my life and feel what I felt then. When I'm depressed, life is just so goddamn dull. And sometimes anything is better than that.

[Bereta_Eder]

That I can see.

That actually brought to mind a difference of opinions in psychology about this. One side (psychodynamic) says that reliving something (a trauma most times) is necessairy for creating a catharctic experience. You relive it, but this time you control it, and you get passed it (crude explanation).

The other school, CBT, says that sometimes visiting old memories simply amplify sentiments that are on their way out and would perish on their own, if left alone. An example of that is anger. If you keep thinking about an incident that made you angry, you activate adjacent synapses that amplify this anger instead of letting it be (again a bit crude explanation).

Maybe you shouldn't facilitate yourself in this, by deleting stuff. Making it, objectively inaccessible if you can.

Like pchang said, I never have alcohol in the house (unfortunately it is very easily accessible)

The rational maybe goes something like this: if you starve yourself of something, (memories, feelings etc) you'll have to go out and claim it. (This time for real)

[rah]

Hey don't worry you'll get older and things will change.
I had a girlfriend when I was younger that did a job on me. (not quite as bad as your's, but still did considerable damage)
Now she has no power over me and most of my memories of her are just the good ones and I never dwell on them. I've moved on and been married for over 25 years.
But the main reason is all I kept were a couple of photos so I'm not continually reminded of the bad things.

[Lorizael]

I try not to reveal personal details about my life to my coworkers. They know basically only what is required. Unfortunately, I let it slip some time last year that I had a girlfriend whom I'd been with for 4 years. When we broke up, however, I didn't mention anything to my coworkers. And I continued not mentioning it, because that's what I do. Now a year has passed. And I have a new boss. And the new boss found out from my coworkers that I "have" a girlfriend. And, well, he basically keeps telling me how I need to put a ring on it. And I have no idea how to say, "Actually, we broke up a year ago because I'm a pathetic loser who couldn't commit to having children. Oops, I guess I should have mentioned that earlier."

In fact, I've lied to my coworkers. Some lies of omission, some direct lies. Because I didn't want to get into an extended conversation with people I don't like about why we broke up and why I don't want to have kids. It was simply easier and faster to just let them continue to think I still had a girlfriend. Now it's kind of painful.

[rah]

Next time it comes up, just mention casually that "oh, we broke up" and don't say anything else. Most people will leave it at that. And if they don't, just say I'd rather not talk about it.

Don't over complicate things.

[Lorizael]

Next time it comes up, just mention casually that "oh, we broke up" and don't say anything else. Most people will leave it at that. And if they don't, just say I'd rather not talk about it.

Obviously the most sensible option, yes, but with one small problem. If I tell them I don't want to talk about it, then they'll know I have feelings, know that I was in pain, yadda yadda. And I can't have people I don't like knowing that I'm vulnerable and weak and all that. As a rule, I don't show negative emotions at work. I don't let on when I'm tired, or unhappy, or angry, or impatient. The anger one comes up a lot. There's so much that happens at work that I simply let slide, because I don't want others to think that they can affect me.

Don't over complicate things.

[self biased]

Next time it comes up, just mention casually that "oh, we broke up" and don't say anything else. Most people will leave it at that. And if they don't, just say I'd rather not talk about it.

Don't over complicate things.

And if they do press for a reason, " we realized we were headed in different directions with our lives." That has the benefit of being true, but vague enough to deflect further inquiries.

[rah]

If I tell them I don't want to talk about it, then they'll know I have feelings, know that I was in pain, yadda yadda. And I can't have people I don't like knowing that I'm vulnerable and weak and all that.

Ok, then change it to I don't Need to talk about it, in a nonchalant way.


And yes, I realize it's a bit humorous to tell you not to over think things after reading 21 pages of the result of you doing so. But it's so obvious that I couldn't resist.

[Lorizael]

When/if I tell me therapist about this, she'll say, "And what do you think will happen if your coworkers know that you have feelings?"

And I'll struggle to come up with answer to her question that isn't ridiculous, and we'll go from there.

[rah]

Personally I'd be more worried if my coworkers thought I didn't have feelings.

And you seem to already know the answers. Again over think. You're pretty insightful. I don't understand why you consider it a weakness.

[Lorizael]

Pretty sure this kind of thing goes back to being bullied as a kid. If I let on that I can be hurt, then people are going to try to hurt me. If I appear unaffected by what people say to me, then they'll eventually give up. A tactic I learned in high school was to more or less agree with what bullies said about me. I got called gay a lot, so I eventually responded with, "Actually, I've kind of been going through a sexual identity crisis recently. I might be gay. Who knows!" And that more or less shut people up.

[rah]

I was bullied a lot in HS, and I'm sure most of on this site were.
But back then gay meant something totally different

[N35t0r]

Obviously the most sensible option, yes, but with one small problem. If I tell them I don't want to talk about it, then they'll know I'm human.

FTFY

[Lorizael]

Yeah. I struggle with trying to figure out why my childhood experiences had such a dramatic effect on me. Obviously a lot of people got bullied, but I reacted in a way that had some pretty unfortunate side effects come adulthood. (There's more than just the bullying, and more than just me being emotionless, but that's what we're talking about right now.) It's hard not to think that there's something wrong with me in particular that I wasn't able to just "get over it" and lead a normal adult life.

My therapist doesn't want me to look at it that way. She thinks it's not valid to compare my experiences to other people's experiences. And she wants me to focus on the positive aspects of what happened. I didn't respond in the best way, but I responded in a way that allowed me to survive (which is a sign that I have more positive qualities than I believe). And now the goal is to shift my behaviors from what let me survive as a kid to what will help me thrive as an adult. /me shrugs.

[rah]

It didn't take that long for me to get over it. 1st of college when everyone starts out again on a new foot. I didn't join a frat to continue the cycle. In the dorms we all got a fresh start.