Trouble in paradise - relationship advice, please

[Pekka]

Lots of great replies, I really appreciate them. I can feel your honest and warm thoughts. Thank you so much.

When ever times are tough, I try to think what it's like to be with me. Would I like to be with me? Probably not. That usually sets me in a good mood.

Despite my negative or even desperate tone, I do try my best for the kids. As time is of the essence, I have positioned my enjoyment and meaning of life to provide what I can for the kids. Being somewhat sadistically realist, I see what's coming. First, I need to find a solution to be with the kids, which I do now with all my free time but I somehow need to squeeze more time to be more with them and also get at least some time to myself. I see that being with the kids, I have to force my SO out the house. I've tried it but she's been in too long. I'll keep trying to do that, it MUST work.

Here is my goal: 1) finish building the house. It will sell for more than I've invested in it, so they will make some money from it but, 2) do everything in my power to make sure it will be our home, and then their home. Not just a house to be sold because they can't keep up with it. This is my legacy. That's all I can do, and damned if I fail at goal 2. Why use all this time and money to build a nice house just for them to lose it in the aftermath of losing their husband/father? We moved here, we fought hard to get this land and everything we've done has been hard work, for the dream of getting away from the city. I grew up here. I will reveal to you what gives me peace: knowing the place my kids will grow up, the school, even many of the people and their kids, the playgrounds, the fishing spots, swimming places, outdoor opportunities, all of this stuff. I know it's safe. I know it, I'm at peace with everything knowing this. In short, I can die knowing this, and will do so without thinking back too much, be at peace. Not just lying to myself "they will be OK I'm sure" but actually knowing it. This is the one thing that keeps me going. There is nothing else. All I can say is that some of you will understand what I'm talking about at some point, but hopefully not too many.

In any case... I have calculated everything, all scenarios, and making my own risk analysis of the situation, so even in the worst case scenario, they'd get to keep the house some way. Well... today I had a talk with the situation since we got more bills that needed to be paid and Christmas is coming as well so... to know how we are doing since I've gotten a feeling we're not doing as well as I think we're doing. Remind you I've calculated everything, so I know if I get to work one more year in full health, we have a chance if I live yet another year (I get compensated pretty well even in that situation for at least a year). So... this in mind, and factoring in that they would be able to liquify my assets to pay for the house on top of that, they would have close to 3 years worth of "free" living and mortgage paid, including insurance, energy cost, everything except food.

So... this has been bothering me a while now so I found out, by asking her once again, what the situation is. If I can help her out or something. It turns out not only can't she save ANY MONEY AT ALL for the next 2 years, she figured she would pay around 200 to 300 euros a month after that. What? For .... 300000 years? I was blown away. I didn't get angry or upset. It was like a bomb went off inside my stomach. Now, I had calculated lots of scenarios, but not this one. We are at an advantage to pay as much as possible right now with low interest rates and having virtually no living cost, and kids being so small they are still low cost as well, plus it's not like we are going out on dates. I'm not angry. I'm desperate, shocked and really truly disappointed.

What options do I have left?

a) I can try to work more to fill in the gap, I could probably do it but I wouldn't get to see the kids except on the weekends (but then I'd be building the house so I'd get to see them few few hours per weekend). This seems undoable. I don't want to become more sick until I have to drop off from work to be with them. I need to be with them NOW. I'd love to be with them now more but we'd have no income. Plus, I'd get sicker faster I think. I already see this as a project that might literally kill me. With extra push, I mean a big push, it just might really do it.

b) Stop building the house. Let the dream go. We'd be still left with lots to pay though. They wouldn't have the house to sell even, so they'd be in debt from the get go. At least with option a, they wouldn't have debt. I'd probably have a harder time not seeing the kids... but .. I don't know. Wouldn't it be better to be with the kids?

It really didn't help that she never told me, until now, that she can't save or pay, and that the 0 euro a month situation will be for some time and 200 to 300 euros a month will be the best it'll ever get. Probably not true, but the scale is so off that the 0 euro a month will be a tipping point a road to hell for this project in any case.

I don't know what to do. It seems like I don't have options. When ever I think this way, I know instantly that there is a way, I just don't know it yet. Now, this time? Depressing is a complimentary word.

[dannubis]

Pekka, 1 question. Does she really know how much time you have left ?

[Pekka]

Yes she does.

Well, she is denying it, but she knows. Which annoys me because I need to talk about it. 2 years is not guaranteed even. It might be 1 year altogether. Or 2 months. It might even be a bit longer than 2 years but it's not very likely. I've had brain cancer. I don't like that everyone is hushing about it and acting as if it wasn't the case. I don't like that I have to understand everyone and their feelings. I know it's difficult for everyone but it's difficult for me too, and I'd like to talk about it, communicate.

[Docfeelgood]

Peka, I'm sorry I did not know about your cancer.

[Ben Kenobi]

All I can say is that some of you will understand what I'm talking about at some point, but hopefully not too many.

Having lost my dad to his unexpected heart attack (although there were signs in the years previous).

Your kids probably won't be old enough to remember much about you, Pekka. Your oldest will be what? 4?

I would recommend doing the following, if you haven't already.

Make some tapes. Doesn't have to be overly complicated, just a disc or whatever. Make it a disc of you talking to your kids. Put stamps on them, for different parts of their life, graduation, marriage, first time in school, etc. Just have something there. Have the specific ones, then make a tape of just you, rambling on or whatever, do a Supercitizen skit or just film yourself going about your usual day.

Do one with you and your wife, together. So they can see what things were like between you and her.

Do one for just her. You know what I mean. Talk about how you feel about her, about everything you've held back or not said now. Just, let it go and let her know. But tape it and record it down.

2, stick to the 'marriage date', and don't budge on that. This is more important than the house, even. Just having that day between the two of you to celebrate your life together.

3, work on that house. Your wife is trying to tell you something if you just listen to her. YOU are more important to her, and spending time with her, is more to her than getting that house paid off. She knows you are busting yourself and she's trying to tell you, stop. Look. I can pay for this house on the minimum charges if need be to keep it up.

You aren't going to be this healthy for that long, Pekka. So please, stop. Take the time to smell the flowers. Take the wifey out on that trip that the others have mentioned. You don't have to spend much, but just go for the time between the two of you.

The most valuable thing you have right now, isn't that three years in your bank account, it's your time. Every day. I know it sounds trite, but it is true. Listen to the wife and ease off the work and do more things together.

[Hauldren Collider]

Yes she does.

Well, she is denying it, but she knows. Which annoys me because I need to talk about it. 2 years is not guaranteed even. It might be 1 year altogether. Or 2 months. It might even be a bit longer than 2 years but it's not very likely. I've had brain cancer. I don't like that everyone is hushing about it and acting as if it wasn't the case. I don't like that I have to understand everyone and their feelings. I know it's difficult for everyone but it's difficult for me too, and I'd like to talk about it, communicate.

I thought your cancer had been successfully removed? Why the poor prognosis? Has it returned?

[Pekka]

I thought your cancer had been successfully removed? Why the poor prognosis? Has it returned?

Short answer is brain cancer. There really is no cure, it's just a question of time. I have streched this about as long as possible so in a sense I ha good luck. Have one more thing I will try to slow it down, but am not ablr to mention it here.

I just want to go in peace. I want my kids to be safe and happy.

[Bugs ****ing Bunny]

Have one more thing I will try to slow it down, but am not ablr to mention it here.

I'll be really disappointed if it doesn't involve a radioactive spider.

[Pekka]

I'll be really disappointed if it doesn't involve a radioactive spider.

I'm sorry I'll have to disappoint you.

Despite the dark nature of these posts, I'm trying to find any ways to help me live longer. I have not given up nor will I. But I need somethng that is not present now.

[Dinner]

Try just doing nice thoughtful things without asking for sex. Get her flowers, remember to tell her she looks nice in that dress even if it is covered in baby vomit, or tell her how much you enjoy talking to her. That way you can help to rebuild the relationship and, yes, mind **** her a little. Of course, it is best if you mean it but at least doing these little things will remind her how much you care and make for a good foundation to get through the rough patches. It's hard with kids as there are always other things to do so spouses can grow apart but this just means you have to work twice as hard to keep the feelings growing together. Hell, my last relationship nose dived mainly because I was so busy at work, took her for granted, and stopped doing those little things but if I had done what I am saying now then maybe there would have been enough there to salvage.

Failing that, some professional marriage counseling might help you two learn new ways to deal with things, to help you set time aside for your relationship and not just dedicate everything for the children so that you have nothing left. The point of the counciling is to make your relationship stronger not to point out what you've both been doing wrong though, hopefully, you both will recognize and stop doing the wrong thing and instead start doing the things which make you stronger. I'm not married, just a serial dater with a lot of failures to my name, so maybe I'm not the best person to give advice but I think even with my failures something can be learned.

[Dinner]

Another idea. Take the excuses and worries away by sending the kids to stay with their grandparents for a weekend (I'm sure they will not mind if it is just two days and a night) and have a holiday for just you and your wife. It doesn't have to be big or expensive or even go far but maybe spend a weekend in Latvia or Poland or even Germany (though that will be more expensive) with just the two of you. That way she knows the kids are safe and well looked after but the two of you have time to just date again and be yourselves. Hell, even visiting evil Sweden would work (just make sure to ***** loudly about past Swedish imperialism in Finland).

That way it eases her worries, it gets the two of you thinking like you did when you first started dating, and you can go out as two adults instead of two parents always thinking about your children. After your grand gesture you should talk to her about setting up a date night where, once per week, the two of you go out together some where so that she has a reason to get dressed up nice and you put on a suit. It doesn't have to be extravagant, even dinner and a movie works, but the point is you two go out together and rekindle the magic so that for a few brief hours you remember you are also a couple in love and not just parents who fill the needs of screaming children. This will remind both of you that you are both people with needs of your own. It's not bad or selfish as this will help you recharge your batteries so that you can be better parents in a more loving relationship for the rest of the week.

[Koyaanisqatsi]

Pekka,

I won't try to give you any advice about your wife; there are too many complications and individual variations involved in a relationship that has cancer hanging over it. However, I'll give you the short version of my experience coming at it from the perspective of a kid whose father died when I was young and hope that it helps you decide what you want to leave for your kids.

Backstory: My father had a construction business, but it ended up folding in the recession of the early 90's. Two months after the business went under (and a million dollar+ life insurance policy with it) he was diagnosed with leukemia. He died a couple of years later following a failed bone marrow transplant. My mother and I were left with less than nothing as far as money goes, deeply in debt from the failed business and medical bills on top of it...we were actually homeless for a little while, before some family took us in.

At the time, I thought about those two months quite a bit as they were the difference between a million dollar payout and living on the street (or, in the trees, in our case...it is Maine, after all). Even though it was twenty years ago now, my mother has never truly recovered from that financial hit and will likely never retire because of it, though she does own a house and is a few steps above paycheck-to-paycheck now. I won't kid you and say that it was easy or fun to live that way. But over time, I came to the conclusion that the money would have made life easier, but not really better. Realistically, it didn't prevent me from doing anything in the long run...I'm married, have one terminal degree and am working on another, and could quit that to take a standing offer for a six figure job if I really felt like it. Even a million dollars wouldn't have been enough to allow opportunities beyond what I earned on my own, that level of money is still below the level necessary to jump into the next tier of society and business. It might have been nice to not worry about working from the age of twelve, but there are pluses and minuses to everything...money would have been a very big plus, so big that I don't think you can dismiss it out of hand, but lack of money is not an insurmountable minus.

Even though I was ten when this whole mess started, today I only have two memories of my father that I can honestly say I haven't reconstructed from stories other people told me. If not for photos, I wouldn't be able to pick him out of a lineup now. So on one level, I agree with some of what BK said about doing recordings...I might suggest a different focus, though. It would have been nice to see him congratulate me on graduating high school, or getting a job, or whatever...but realistically, it wouldn't have meant a lot to me in the same way it would mean a lot if he were actually there to see it. I was young enough that there was a Dad-shaped hole left in my life when he died, but I don't think that seeing him say "good job" on achieving some milestone would have filled that hole in any way because the person on the video would just be "guy I'm vaguely obligated to miss but never really knew", not "Dad".

I don't intend for this to sound like there's no way for you to leave something to them, even memories. Like I said, I have two strong memories of him. One is an outlier, one of those things you remember just because you were surprised when it happened but is of little long-term consequence. The other, though, is of watching him get up at 4AM for over a year and commuting 90 miles each way to go to a job and try to dig the family out of the financial mess. He did this when he was well into the disease, being injected daily with one of the nastiest drugs you can take as an outpatient, and knowing that he was getting far less than he was worth because the cancer ensured nobody could legally hire him. But, he wanted to try to start to fix the money problems, and that was what it took try--even though the math said it was a futile effort from the beginning.

Now, if he had decided to stay home and spend time with me, would that change my lack of memories of him? Probably not. We spent plenty of time together, but it's long since left my memory. And I already said that even working like this, he never made a real dent in the money problem. However, knowing that he tried has been a tremendous lesson to me over the years, and that brings me back to agreeing with BK about doing some recordings. The legacy for kids-with their full complement of parents or not-is in what you teach them. From what I'm told, my father was a smarter than average man, though not at the top of that heap – however, he was the kind of person that everybody knew and liked, who in five minutes could talk somebody into donating a kidney or starting a riot depending on what kind of mood he was in. If there had been some way to teach me any of that, it would have been far more valuable to my life than the money he made at that job, or even the money from the life insurance payout.

For me, videos of him just talking - about his experiences, his job, the people he knew, and how he dealt with the world in general - would have been both meaningful and useful. There are other ways to do it too, though. I've learned quite a bit from him indirectly...like I said, everybody knew my father, and I've heard some tremendous stories over the years that have pieced him back together in my head, at least to some extent. Talk to the people you think may still be in their lives as they grow up. It's always hard to tell where they'll go, but if there's anyone you think has even an outside chance, start doing things and creating stories with them that they'll want to tell your kids, not because they want to teach them, but because the story is so funny/brilliant/wonderful/painful/memorable that they want to pass it on.

It sounds kind of backwards, in a way...essentially the advice there is to spend time with your friends now in order to "see" your kids after you're gone. But I can tell you that it works. And, if the situation with your wife makes it hard to figure out who might be around in the future, the videos work too. Or writing to them, or even keeping a journal that's not directly addressing them but is recording what you think and do. If nothing else, you said that you feel the need to talk to somebody about the cancer; maybe you can talk to them, on a slight time delay.

[Kidlicious]

Despite the dark nature of these posts, I'm trying to find any ways to help me live longer. I have not given up nor will I.

[Docfeelgood]

Long shot but might be something to check out

EDMONTON, CANADA, May 14, 2011 /NewsRelease/ - Canadian scientists tested dichloroacetate (DCA) on human’s cells; it killed lung, breast and brain cancer cells and left the healthy cells alone. It was tested on Rats inflicted with severe tumors; their cells shrank once they were fed with water supplemented with DCA.

http://nutritiondietnews.com/853757/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dichloroacetic_acid

[Pekka]

Long shot but might be something to check out

http://nutritiondietnews.com/853757/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dichloroacetic_acid

I have to check that one out later today, thanks. I've drastically changed my diet ever since I was diagnosed, not sure how much it helps... But it is somethi g I can do and take it seriously. Got tons or books on it too, but there is always something new. For example that is new to me. I am willing to try anything I evaluate to have even a theoretical chance, no matter how small.