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Things with missus aren't going well. I think having had 2 kids in a row created distance between us and she is not ready to get back into an adult relationship yet. She's busy and tired, having to have to be with the kids, but I get back from work 5 PM and spend all the weekends together and help as much as possible (do dishes, wash laundry etc.)
This isn't so much a problem for me. We have grown distant, yes... I don't even have to say we haven't had sexy time for months and months, maybe it's 2 years, who knows anymore. I've tried to hug her, give little kisses and nothing more than that along the way, just to keep close. I always initiate it and she always ends it as well. Talking about it (closeness, not sex - that's far far beyond our scope) is also difficult it seems. I've asked and said that I'd like - and in fact need - some human touch, to be close... at least more than now. In the future. She always says she is worried about the future (in general), thinking about kids, was a long day... it's always the same story. I've probed for few years now (not every day or week, but few times a month) if there is something else on her mind that is troubling, if I could do something, if I could be more supportive or do something or anything to ease those worries. But supposedly there is nothing. "It'll be better when I get some more sleep" and that kind of stuff.
It worries me. I've told her this worries me because I love her and I want to have a relationship that is not this distant. And that I'll wait as long as it takes.
She has low self esteem. It seems that combined with tiredness and perhaps depression (or at least an awful lot of moodiness), it amplifies it to a point where there is no discussion and when I start, I have to tip-toe around important topics so she won't become angry. Yeah. She is angry a lot. She says it's because of the kids, but I don't know anymore. She is usually angry at least once a day when I'm present, and she shows it, like in a dramatic fashion. Point is delivered. Like huffing and puffing angry, almost physical. It doesn't suit me very well, because I'm very calm myself. We've talked about this as well... I mean well, "talked".
These issues are important to me because as many of you know, my prognosis isn't very good. Having two kids, I worry about their future. That's the only thing I worry about. So, having a relationship with their mother is a priority to me in all that I do. Sometimes I just think she doesn't want to be with me. Like she's waiting for me to die. We never talk about it. I'd like to, and I've brought it up several times that since I have a serious illness, it's important to talk about it because I have no one else to talk to. She has suggested I should see a psychologist instead, excluding the need for us to talk. For me, it is really important, it is a serious stress factor and if no discussion or closeness is going to happen,I don't know what to do. I in fact think it is dangerous for me, I think I should have low level stress and human touch, and that might give me some extra time - who knows? This is extremely difficult and ... I keep thinking, I deserve more. If I have, say, few more years left or less, I should have the opportunity to talk to my companion and have human touch. I should not have to face anger every single day. Every single day! And have that passive "I'm tired" sort of response.
In the last 4 years, I have answered her anger 3 times. I remember all of them. I raised my voice and argued for a minute or two and then it was over. What really makes me angry and has built negative feelings inside me is that she always uses the kids in these arguments. These very few ones I actually then engage. She probably doesn't mean it at all, but the first things she uses when I start to argue as well is that I'm a bad father, I never spend any time with the kids (I spend ALL my time with my family that is not work, I work normal hours). It sickens me to no end. For me it does not represent what she really thinks. It represents how the arguing will escalate in a flaming second, like asymmetric warfare. I am extremely serious when I say that should I ever say I want her to fix her **** and grow up, she will threaten to take the kids and go live with her mother. That's the go-to move. That's probably something most couples have to deal with but I'm scared of the level of how fast it will escalate to that: from the point where I answer back raising my voice. Then again, it is totally useless, because when I raise my voice, it's not like she lowers hers.
These are few examples. I realize I'm probably a boring person to be around with. I have several flaws which probably are all true. Now - aside from no communication or closeness, we're threading in dangerous waters due to the fact that I've noticed we can't keep up with what we have promised to do and have set clear guidelines for. We're building a house, so we set up an account to save money for it. Naturally since I make more money, I put more money in the account. In fact I put all my money there, that is not used to pay my few bills. She is supposed to do the same. Except she isn't. In the last 3 months that we have been saving actively, she put few hundred euros in and took out about the same amount. Not only does that screw up tracking (this is the account the bank provides us with funds and we use to pay bills only related to the house itself), she is effectively eating our savings. Now this is totally ****ed up.
This is a topic that will always lead to anger, so I always try to approach it carefully. Asking if she needs help, since I make more money, I'm cool with paying more, I just need to know if we can go on with our plan or if we need to modify it. If she has problems paying some bills, we can modify our plans, it's OK. Then she goes on a story about all the bills she gets, and how next month is better due to many of those bills being the last ones. Unfortunately this isn't the case. I've calculated few times, that she actually gets more to spend than I do (well that's easy since I get around zero), so how is she always out of money? I have no idea. She has even less money than before, now that she has absolutely no living costs what so ever. What bills she is accumulating, I have no idea. I don't ask. At this point she is usually so angry that it leads nowhere, except an argument and having to hear what a bad father I am. But this is a serious serious problem. I've calculated, and let her know, htat should we follow this plan, they are taken cared of when my time comes. If we deviate from the plan, that's going to be a big problem.
I feel she is hiding something from me. She always tells me she has these bills and even the student loan seems to be different every time. Sometimes it's 3500 euros, sometimes it's 7000 euros. I would think she remembers which one it is.
I'm afraid of our future. I don't know how to fix this. She is acting like an addict with money. But now it's not her money anymore. It's not even that she got something for herself using credit and can't pay it and is asking for some money. It's more serious. I have no idea what's happening, and I'm worried because she won't tell me what it is. Or she is, but clearly it's not true. If it is true, she is the most horrible person with money ever known to human kind and should not be trusted with a single coin.
But with all that, I'm just lonely and afraid. I always thought it's the other way around - women crying how they can't get through their burly men who drink beer and keep them in the kitchen.
I'm afraid to ask the question "if we didn't have kids, what would I do?". It would be too easy. So that's a question I don't ask myself. Even more so since my time on this existence is very limited. Which makes my questions and worry urgent.
This isn't so much a problem for me. We have grown distant, yes... I don't even have to say we haven't had sexy time for months and months, maybe it's 2 years, who knows anymore. I've tried to hug her, give little kisses and nothing more than that along the way, just to keep close. I always initiate it and she always ends it as well. Talking about it (closeness, not sex - that's far far beyond our scope) is also difficult it seems. I've asked and said that I'd like - and in fact need - some human touch, to be close... at least more than now. In the future. She always says she is worried about the future (in general), thinking about kids, was a long day... it's always the same story. I've probed for few years now (not every day or week, but few times a month) if there is something else on her mind that is troubling, if I could do something, if I could be more supportive or do something or anything to ease those worries. But supposedly there is nothing. "It'll be better when I get some more sleep" and that kind of stuff.
It worries me. I've told her this worries me because I love her and I want to have a relationship that is not this distant. And that I'll wait as long as it takes.
She has low self esteem. It seems that combined with tiredness and perhaps depression (or at least an awful lot of moodiness), it amplifies it to a point where there is no discussion and when I start, I have to tip-toe around important topics so she won't become angry. Yeah. She is angry a lot. She says it's because of the kids, but I don't know anymore. She is usually angry at least once a day when I'm present, and she shows it, like in a dramatic fashion. Point is delivered. Like huffing and puffing angry, almost physical. It doesn't suit me very well, because I'm very calm myself. We've talked about this as well... I mean well, "talked".
These issues are important to me because as many of you know, my prognosis isn't very good. Having two kids, I worry about their future. That's the only thing I worry about. So, having a relationship with their mother is a priority to me in all that I do. Sometimes I just think she doesn't want to be with me. Like she's waiting for me to die. We never talk about it. I'd like to, and I've brought it up several times that since I have a serious illness, it's important to talk about it because I have no one else to talk to. She has suggested I should see a psychologist instead, excluding the need for us to talk. For me, it is really important, it is a serious stress factor and if no discussion or closeness is going to happen,I don't know what to do. I in fact think it is dangerous for me, I think I should have low level stress and human touch, and that might give me some extra time - who knows? This is extremely difficult and ... I keep thinking, I deserve more. If I have, say, few more years left or less, I should have the opportunity to talk to my companion and have human touch. I should not have to face anger every single day. Every single day! And have that passive "I'm tired" sort of response.
In the last 4 years, I have answered her anger 3 times. I remember all of them. I raised my voice and argued for a minute or two and then it was over. What really makes me angry and has built negative feelings inside me is that she always uses the kids in these arguments. These very few ones I actually then engage. She probably doesn't mean it at all, but the first things she uses when I start to argue as well is that I'm a bad father, I never spend any time with the kids (I spend ALL my time with my family that is not work, I work normal hours). It sickens me to no end. For me it does not represent what she really thinks. It represents how the arguing will escalate in a flaming second, like asymmetric warfare. I am extremely serious when I say that should I ever say I want her to fix her **** and grow up, she will threaten to take the kids and go live with her mother. That's the go-to move. That's probably something most couples have to deal with but I'm scared of the level of how fast it will escalate to that: from the point where I answer back raising my voice. Then again, it is totally useless, because when I raise my voice, it's not like she lowers hers.
These are few examples. I realize I'm probably a boring person to be around with. I have several flaws which probably are all true. Now - aside from no communication or closeness, we're threading in dangerous waters due to the fact that I've noticed we can't keep up with what we have promised to do and have set clear guidelines for. We're building a house, so we set up an account to save money for it. Naturally since I make more money, I put more money in the account. In fact I put all my money there, that is not used to pay my few bills. She is supposed to do the same. Except she isn't. In the last 3 months that we have been saving actively, she put few hundred euros in and took out about the same amount. Not only does that screw up tracking (this is the account the bank provides us with funds and we use to pay bills only related to the house itself), she is effectively eating our savings. Now this is totally ****ed up.
This is a topic that will always lead to anger, so I always try to approach it carefully. Asking if she needs help, since I make more money, I'm cool with paying more, I just need to know if we can go on with our plan or if we need to modify it. If she has problems paying some bills, we can modify our plans, it's OK. Then she goes on a story about all the bills she gets, and how next month is better due to many of those bills being the last ones. Unfortunately this isn't the case. I've calculated few times, that she actually gets more to spend than I do (well that's easy since I get around zero), so how is she always out of money? I have no idea. She has even less money than before, now that she has absolutely no living costs what so ever. What bills she is accumulating, I have no idea. I don't ask. At this point she is usually so angry that it leads nowhere, except an argument and having to hear what a bad father I am. But this is a serious serious problem. I've calculated, and let her know, htat should we follow this plan, they are taken cared of when my time comes. If we deviate from the plan, that's going to be a big problem.
I feel she is hiding something from me. She always tells me she has these bills and even the student loan seems to be different every time. Sometimes it's 3500 euros, sometimes it's 7000 euros. I would think she remembers which one it is.
I'm afraid of our future. I don't know how to fix this. She is acting like an addict with money. But now it's not her money anymore. It's not even that she got something for herself using credit and can't pay it and is asking for some money. It's more serious. I have no idea what's happening, and I'm worried because she won't tell me what it is. Or she is, but clearly it's not true. If it is true, she is the most horrible person with money ever known to human kind and should not be trusted with a single coin.
But with all that, I'm just lonely and afraid. I always thought it's the other way around - women crying how they can't get through their burly men who drink beer and keep them in the kitchen.
I'm afraid to ask the question "if we didn't have kids, what would I do?". It would be too easy. So that's a question I don't ask myself. Even more so since my time on this existence is very limited. Which makes my questions and worry urgent.
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