Trouble in paradise - relationship advice, please

[Alexander's Horse]

Anyways that was longer than I hoped, so disregard if it doesn't apply and I hope it works out for you and your better half.

[Pax]

Pekka,
Sorry to hear about your illness. If I were you, I would first ask myself what I WANT with the rest of my time and if I think my significant other can give it too me. If I have a short time on earth left, I don't want too spend it fighting. I would list the things I want to do before I die and try too do them. If I had to do them without her then that's what I would do.
My sister died at 34 years old and she had so many things that she still wanted to do. My mother also died early. I know that you love your lady but you also have to think about yourself. I would stop worrying about the house if she does not seem committed to it. I would try to figure out away to leave something for her and the kids. I know that you want to make sure that they are taken care of after you are gone so I would ask her what she would like you to do that she thought would be most helpful. That way you don't seem like you are trying to control her.
Anything that she obviously has a problem with that could make your relationship good again I would try to change. If nothing actually works then I would not bother with a futile attempt considering the time you have left.
From my experience going to bed at the same time as your Significant Other is very important so I would consider not staying up and watching movies, but if that did not work I would not kill myself trying to please someone that won't be pleased.
I also know that most of the time giving advice is harder than taking it. In the end you will follow your heart.
I wish you all the best, Kevin

[DaShi]

MikeH and AH have given good advice.

[Kidlicious]

Pekka,

I'm really sorry to hear all this. You have a heavy burden. So does your women. Don't forget that. It's not easy for her either that you have your illness. I pray for your healing and for your family.

[Ben Kenobi]

We're supposed to get married next summer though

Two kids no marriage? That's pretty stressful on her end. She's got no piece of paper yet from you that would have you stick around. I suggest you stick to the original plan. This should be a higher priority than the house.

[Alexander's Horse]

MikeH and AH have given good advice.

Why thanks DaShi, although I think all those in longterm relationships are saying the same thing in different ways, probably depending on which particular significant other they are grappling with, lol.

[Imran Siddiqui]

I am sorry to hear this Pekka. The lack of communication is huge. It's probably bigger than the financial issues (well maybe its a lead in to them). It is difficult to have a good environment for the kids when the parents seem to not show affection or caring. And also, we all know your time isn't exactly long. That's a lot to deal with. I think you do need to have a discussion on finances (along with other things), but for some reason she seems not to be feeling emotionally close to you for whatever reason (I hate to say this at all, but hopefully its not an affair). I think though, one of the things you can't do is simply "double down" - ie, spend every second at home when you aren't at work so you can get closer that way. You need your own life apart from the family as much as she does (ie, the hobby she can 'own' as stated by someone up thread). And that will put you both in a better frame of mind.

And, It doesn't sound like she may be amenable, but have your thought of couples counseling?

[DaShi]

This is why I don't have emotions. So much trouble. I just let my wife have her emotional storm then ask, "Are you done yet?" God, that pisses her off.

[Alexander's Horse]

yin and yang

I gave up on public relationship advice and talking a long time ago, whereas listening is essential. Practical things work best.

[pchang]

She may very well be depressed. Unfortunately, she no longer seems open to considering that. Did you point out to her that she was arguing with herself and that you in fact do not feel/think what she is attributing to you? Is there a possibility for you to take some time off? If you can, try taking a fun day with the kids and say you want to give her a break. Perhaps with a free day and time to think/cool off, she will gain a different perspective. Tell her that it is clear that she is unhappy. Ask her to think about why that is. Tell her you are willing to help her change what is making her unhappy.

[MikeH]

Reading between the lines - What she's saying is she really needs some rest, she can't possibly see any time she can ever get any rest and thinks that sometimes you get some rest which see thinks isn't fair.

From her point of view - You are complaining about working 12 hours a day every day and never getting any chance for a sleep - she will be thinking, yeah will I have to work 24 hours a day and I never get a break, you are never here to help me and your immediate reaction to me having one lie in in a week is to demand you get one the next day?

Also the more you tell me the more I'm convinced it's at least partly post natal depression, so the difficulty will be helping her through that and ideally getting her some help for it. One reason she thinks she never gets a break is probably that she rarely does. The other thing is that mentally, she can never switch off and is alway struggling.

But mainly, get her as many breaks as you can from the kids as you can, and find ways to help her get as much sleep as possible. I think spending less time working on the house and more time giving her a break is vital. If she is struggling she will be finding it almost unbearably hard - you need to understand that part before you can start helping her I think.

It will be very hard for you. It won't be as hard for you as it is currently for her.

And part of why it is hard is because she won't be able to really think about your needs, she's not coping with dealing with the kids and her own needs. You'll just have to suck that up and help her get better.

Having been through this, it totally sucks, but it does get better and drugs + counselling help.

[MikeH]

Pekka,
Sorry to hear about your illness. If I were you, I would first ask myself what I WANT with the rest of my time and if I think my significant other can give it too me. If I have a short time on earth left, I don't want too spend it fighting. I would list the things I want to do before I die and try too do them. If I had to do them without her then that's what I would do.
My sister died at 34 years old and she had so many things that she still wanted to do. My mother also died early. I know that you love your lady but you also have to think about yourself. I would stop worrying about the house if she does not seem committed to it. I would try to figure out away to leave something for her and the kids. I know that you want to make sure that they are taken care of after you are gone so I would ask her what she would like you to do that she thought would be most helpful. That way you don't seem like you are trying to control her.
Anything that she obviously has a problem with that could make your relationship good again I would try to change. If nothing actually works then I would not bother with a futile attempt considering the time you have left.
From my experience going to bed at the same time as your Significant Other is very important so I would consider not staying up and watching movies, but if that did not work I would not kill myself trying to please someone that won't be pleased.
I also know that most of the time giving advice is harder than taking it. In the end you will follow your heart.
I wish you all the best, Kevin

This is a good thought. Spend time with them whilst you can.

[Excalibur19]

The best thing to do with regard to money is for each spouse to have "spend whatever you want money". This is of course a pre-set amount. This will solve a lot of fights because money is usually a control/emotional issue.

[dannubis]

I don't know... whenever the missus starts to get mad at me because i make a comment about money I use my mad excel skills to prove i am right.

In about 50 % of the cases i win the argument when faced with facts...

[Ogie Oglethorpe]

Pekka is doomed as Apolyton has a no-woman policy that prevents an alternate point of view.