Cheating or not cheating that is the question

[Arrian]

If you want to end the relationship but don't fully realize it or admit it...

Look, it's not what I'd do. But there are people who do things deliberately to get caught, for various reasons. Given the utter stupidity of what he did, if he didn't want to be caught, I'm suggesting that maybe he is slightly more intelligent than pond scum and thus wanted (maybe subconciously) to be caught and end it.

-Arrian

[Asmodean]

It's cheating, since he hid it from her. Had he not hid it from her, it would only be cheating if he went ahead with it, after she disapproved.

Case - and thread - closed.



Dang...where did I leave my mod powers I know I had them here somewhere

Asmodean

[Flubber]

Originally posted by Arrian
If you want to end the relationship but don't fully realize it or admit it...

Look, it's not what I'd do. But there are people who do things deliberately to get caught, for various reasons. Given the utter stupidity of what he did, if he didn't want to be caught, I'm suggesting that maybe he is slightly more intelligent than pond scum and thus wanted (maybe subconciously) to be caught and end it.

-Arrian

Ya-- THats about all that makes any sense unless he has the IQ of river rocks

[Grandpa Troll]

Originally posted by Flubber


I hope you leave a little leeway in that honesty policy for tactful evasions.

My friend, those are the ones that usually cause ya to stumble.

I tell my sweetie, if you want to go toe to toe we will, but just remember, you get what ya ask for

[DinoDoc]

Originally posted by Grandpa Troll
Shame people keep things from one another

I always wanted to meet a man who told a woman that she did in fact look fat in that dress.

[Cort Haus]

Originally posted by Kidicious
Well if he didn't he might as well have. He betrayed her, and that's what counts. Although I guess actual sex would have been worse.

[Flubber]

Originally posted by Grandpa Troll


My friend, those are the ones that usually cause ya to stumble.

I tell my sweetie, if you want to go toe to toe we will, but just remember, you get what ya ask for

SO its not TOTAL honesty all the time now, is it? Everyone uses a little "tact" and I doubt anyone really wants total honesty all the time

I will be totally honest though if my wife buys me something I dislike or prepares a new meal I don't care for ( she was actually shocked the first time we returned a shirt she bought for me) -- but I find other things require tact ( like her weight a month after giving berth-- I lied-- she knew I lied but appreciated it)

[Tiamat]

See I was wondering about the really secretly wanting to get caught thing. That had crossed my mind but then I thought why would you want to get caught when you know what the outcome is going to be with a huge fight, things thrown and most probably the end of your marriage. Why would you want to volunteer for that?

[Tiamat]

Originally posted by Flubber


SO its not TOTAL honesty all the time now, is it? Everyone uses a little "tact" and I doubt anyone really wants total honesty all the time

I will be totally honest though if my wife buys me something I dislike or prepares a new meal I don't care for ( she was actually shocked the first time we returned a shirt she bought for me) -- but I find other things require tact ( like her weight a month after giving berth-- I lied-- she knew I lied but appreciated it)

I think there's a difference between a white lie to keep from hurting someone's feelings like the one with your wife. She just had a baby, she knew she was a little heavier but needed that reassurance that you still loved her and didn't think she was hidious. A small lie to spare someones feelings is a bit different then soliciting women on the internet for sex. But then again where do you draw the line in the honesty department. Tough call.

[Ben Kenobi]

Been having a bit of a go around with the husband reagarding a situation that came up with one of our friends. She can't have children and he doesn't want to wait the years for adoption

First off, they got married, assuming she had no prior knowledge of fertility issues, it's her responsibility to disclose them. If he got married and she knew she had fertility issues and chose not to disclose them, then really, I can understand him being upset if it came out that she couldn't have kids and he wanted kids.

Secondly, if the infertility just came about that's devastating for someone who married and wants to have a family. I'm surprised that there's no sympathy here for the fellow who wanted to have kids, but this came along and prevented him from having the kids that he wanted.

so he went on the internet (without her knowledge) and advertised for a woman to have a child with him. And if I understood he meant the normal way not insemination. He apparently got responses back and he responded to a few something to the effect of "your hot, I'm really interested, want to hook up?" She found them in his email and fliped out, especially since he was trying to make these hook ups just days before his wifes birthday.

Problem 1, he wanted to have a kid and didn't talk to her about it enough so. Sounds to me he wanted kids, and didn't know how to talk about it. How long have they known about this fertility issue Tia. As for it being her birthday, well sounds to me they have much bigger communication issues then beyond cheating on her birthday.

She felt like this was cheating since they were married and you vow to be true to the one person as well as she felt that there was intent. He obviously was trying to meet someone. I agreed with her, he cheated. Steve says nope not cheating since nothing happened. So is it or isn't it? Does it only constitute cheating if penitration occurs? IMO he betrayed her, her trust and the trust she placed in the marriage. So did he cheat or didn't he?

I think they are done frankly. She didn't trust him enough, snooping through emails etc. She didn't understand his desire to have children, and didn't talk it out with him. He didn't talk it out with her, his deep disappointment, rather then confessing to his desire, was resentful, and defensive.

[Jon Miller]

Re: Cheating or not cheating that is the question

Originally posted by Tiamat
Been having a bit of a go around with the husband reagarding a situation that came up with one of our friends. She can't have children and he doesn't want to wait the years for adoption so he went on the internet (without her knowledge) and advertised for a woman to have a child with him. And if I understood he meant the normal way not insemination. He apparently got responses back and he responded to a few something to the effect of "your hot, I'm really interested, want to hook up?" She found them in his email and fliped out, especially since he was trying to make these hook ups just days before his wifes birthday.

She felt like this was cheating since they were married and you vow to be true to the one person as well as she felt that there was intent. He obviously was trying to meet someone. I agreed with her, he cheated. Steve says nope not cheating since nothing happened. So is it or isn't it? Does it only constitute cheating if penitration occurs? IMO he betrayed her, her trust and the trust she placed in the marriage. So did he cheat or didn't he?

Definitely was cheating. Maybe not full on, but still cheating. And the whole thing seems bastardly, if he wanted kids so bad, they should have discussed things, and came to an understanding... his actions are completely reprehensible and inexcusable.

JM

[Tiamat]

I would completely agree Jon, completely reprehensible.

He knew about the no children issue before they got together so in my book he accepted her "as is no warranty" as it were. From my understanding he was ok with it. Apparently not however given the circumstances.

[Jon Miller]

NAh, sounds just like an excuse. If he wanted kids and that was real, he woudl have talked with her about options, not tried to get someone pregnant behind her back.

I mean, you see an dhear news about this sort of thing all the time... infertility solutions is a miracle of science.

JM

[MikeH]

Originally posted by Grandpa Troll


As far as I am concerned, marriage should have NO SECRETS, monetary or otherwise.

Honesty is the best policy.

I only have 22 years this marriage, 24 total years married.

Shame people keep things from one another

Sure, you should be honest, and talk to each other, you shouldn't go snooping through each others e-mail. Where's the trust?

She should respect that he has a need to reproduce. It's unfair that she hold him back. Either let him knock someone else up or divorce him so he can marry someone fertile.

Apparently a guy produces more sperm when he's shagging someone elses wife than when he's shagging his own. Got to be a good reason for that...

[Shrapnel12]

There was no cheating. He simply forgot he was married. It's an honest mistake. There was no intent to cheat, his marital vows just slipped his mind. There is no disregard for marriage if there is no intent.