Friends; when to intervine and when to mind your own business.

[Ben Kenobi]

The 50% divorce rate you hear about is mostly a fiction created by those "pro-family" organizations. I recall reading that the first time marriage divorce rate for couples after 20 years is only around 1/3.

50% of marriages may fail, but not 50% of those who get married will end up divorced. The difference are the folks that get divorced and married multiple times. So both are true, and you have to be careful to specify which one you are talking about.

Secondly, regarding your friend, tell him that if he wants your advice he needs to drop the knee-jerk response of cultural insensitivity. He has a big choice here between which type of world that he wants for himself, in terms of marriage and a family, and that in the end is going to have to be the decision that he makes himself.

Regarding the extended family, he needs to be told that he can make the decision to satisfy himself, not to make others happy. After all, his parents are going to pass away, and he will still be married to his wife.

[Drake Tungsten]

Ted's right. The American view of marriage is unrealistic and unsuccessful. This guy going with the Indian way might be a good decision.

[Ted Striker]

Regarding the divorce rate, looks like it's not 50%, but not 33% either, but rathar around 40%.

And going downwards.

Divorce Rate: It's Not as High as You Think
By DAN HURLEY
The New York Times
April 19, 2005

The method preferred by social scientists in determining the divorce rate is to calculate how many people who have ever married subsequently divorced. Counted that way, the rate has never exceeded about 41 percent, researchers say. Although sharply rising rates in the 1970's led some to project that the number would keep increasing, the rate has instead begun to inch
downward.

The highest rate of divorce in the 2001 survey was 41 percent for men who were then between the ages of 50 to 59, and 39 percent for women in the same
age group.

http://www.divorcereform.org/nyt05.html

[Dinner]

Since that article deals with the total number of marriages which later ended in divorce it seems like Ben's point still stands.

On another note we went out for Pho tonight and we talked. He's began speaking to some other girls he's met on some Indian dating site he found her in California so he's not totally set on a mail order bride. I have to say I feel that is a better choice since they can date locally and get to know each other before making legal commitments. He seemed better about it this time since I started with a disclaimer like Az suggested. Thanks.

[Ted Striker]

I'm pretty sure it actually considers the rate per person, so it doesn't factor in multiple divorces to inflate the percentage. A person that gets divorced once counts the same as someone that gets divorced more than once.

They were pretty thorough in the way they described.

[Pekka]

There are two battling themes.

One: Is he doing this to make himself happy and wanting to marry, or is he trying to please his parents, making their calls stop.

Two: Even though this might seem very sudden and weird, he is free. If he chooses to do it this way, it's a choice from free person, so it's not set up marriage. He, in his own free will, is ready to meet a girl fast and marry for life, for cultural and what ever reasons, but he is free to do it and he can choose not to also.

[chequita guevara]

Pho?

[Flubber]

I belive the divorce rate for arranged marriages is actually less than the rate for all marriages. I don't have a cite for that so lets just assume it for a minute. If true, one reason might be simply that culturally divorce may be less acceptable and that people willl have different ideas about their roles and expectations from marriage. I know a few Indian folks that went through arranged marriages and they are all still together.

BUT I don't know if divorce is necessarily the best ndicator . It may not measure success of those marriages so much as a culturally ingrained aversion to divorce.

Oh and you are not interevening here. A good freind asked your opinion so you give it. I assume you will continue to give it for as long as you are asked . Then once your friend makes a decsison, you support them and shut up about any contrary feelings.

[Imran Siddiqui]

Originally posted by chegitz guevara
Pho?

Yeah, Vietnam's national dish. A wonderful noodle soup, usually with beef, but you can get it with chicken.

Man, I haven't had Pho in a while. Yummm..

[ajbera]

Originally posted by Ted Striker
One of my boys gets on AOL and scores alot with it. Not my thing either but he's happy with it. He was with the same girl for 10 years who treated him like crap, and didn't think he could find other girls, but he's literally with a different girl every week!

He hits it

Ted Striker Jr.

Oerdin, tell your friend to try something like match.com if he can't find anyone locally. I've heard wonderful things about it, and he can probably find an Indian-American girl with the same cultural outlook that he has.

[Japher]

The most important thing is "IS SHE HOT?"

Check out the pics... better yet, post them here and we'll let you know...

[OzzyKP]

Parents are such a mind****.

[Flubber]

Originally posted by Japher
The most important thing is "IS SHE HOT?"

Check out the pics... better yet, post them here and we'll let you know...

The two people I knew best that went through arranged marriages had wives that were super duper hot-- One was a pharmicist who had grown up in Canada and the other had been born in Pakistan but had a law degree. both husbands were lawyers

My wife actually had a long chat with the pharmicist wife within about 2 months of their marriage. She related the difficulties of marrying someone in those situations but did seem committed to the process. I do know her husband was a guy that you would have never thought of as traditional. He loved to party and had dated a lot. It was actually a bit of a shock when we heard he was getting married.

As a couple they were just disgustingly good looking . (which probably made the match a bit easier for each of them)

[child of Thor]

I always tell my friends the truth as i see it, sometimes i've been proven right, sometimes wrong. At the end ofthe day you care for your friends so you want them to be ok and want to help.
Still if this was a simple he's gambling/on drugs/cheating on his wife(which can be a tricky one!)/spending too much money etc - then it would be much easier to give advice to him.

But this is a cultural thing, and even though i dont like the idea of arranged marriages for myself, i respect the other cultures customs(especialy when apart from our 'freedom' in the west, i cant see our societies being any healthier than any others on a social level).

So in Oerdins situ i think i'd say my peice ref any cultural misgivings i may have, but also try to accept that maybe this may work out for your friend. If he's convinced this is for him, then i'd be a good friend and support him - if it goes wrong then well its just like any other 'life' problem.

[SpencerH]

If you want to keep this guy as a friend, support him but keep out of it.