Friends; when to intervine and when to mind your own business.

[DaShi]

Take him for a wild weekend in Vegas, then see how he feels.

[Wezil]

Originally posted by mrmitchell
Ask him if hes ever seen a happy mail order bride relationship.

I haven't

When looking at the results and failure rates of the "western" way of doing things I think we should refrain from throwing stones inside our glass house.

[Bereta_Eder]

Re: Friends; when to intervine and when to mind your own business.

Originally posted by Oerdin
A good friend of mine (a former college roommate who moved to San Diego and lives a block away), who happens to be Indian-American, is doing something I consider very foolhardy possibly even stupid. My question is should I say something and if so how should I bring the subject up or should I just keep my mouth shut.

Aman was born in India but moved to the US at age three so culturally he's American though his family remains very much a traditional Indian family with very traditional senses of family duty. He has a very successful career but nothing going on the lady friend front and his parents have taken to calling him up on a daily basis crying, ordering, and cajoling him to get married and have kids. His older sister basically up and moved across the country because they did that to her but Aman seems to not be willing to live his own life like his sister has done. Instead he feels bad when his mother calls crying and demanding he get married ASAP and give her grandkids. So he's under considerable family pressure to marry and marry quickly.

The problem is his only real girlfriend (also Indian but Americanized) broke up with him over differences concerning a woman's place in a family and the idea that the newly weds would have his parents move in with them. She wanted to live a western style life without in law running her house while Aman's parents very much want the traditional set up where the grandparents live with the eldest son and running the house so she bailed. Aman is a true friend of mine and I want him to be happy but he's gone on one of those Indian Matrimonial websites and is thinking about marrying a mail order bride from India. Not just thinking but really ready to do it and his parents are all for it.

He's been exchanging e-mails and pictures with this girl from India for two weeks now and he says he's going to fly out to India, meet this girl during a two week vacation, and if she's nice marry her a month or two afterwards. I was shocked when he told me and I tried to be sensitive but I told him marriage is the single most important thing you'll ever do in your life and you shouldn't just rush and marry someone you haven't even met just because your parents are playing emotional games to get you to marry. He accussed me of being culturally insensitive and said his parents had an arranged marriage so he thinks he could make one work even though he'd prefer a western style marriage for love.

I figured I had spoken my peace and I let the subject die but now he's left a message on my voice mail saying he wants to talk about it some more. Do any of you have an idea for a culturally sensitive but still straight forward way to approach this? I honestly think a mail order bride would be a bad choice especially since he'd be doing it to make his parents happy and not to make him happy but I recognize it is his life. Personally, I would tell my parents to **** off and mind their own business if they ever tried to pull anything this intrusive in my life but I am a western and our culture has a great deal of individualism. Ideas?

One idea is this. You could tell him: you have grown up here. She has grown up there. Wouldn't there be a problem of compatibility? What would they talk about?

Would he settle for a "mother to his kids" or does he wants a person to share his life with and who will understand him stand by him etc. Not simply be a "good wife".

[Sava]

I pretty much agree with what Az said.

I am in a similar situation. One of my friends is in (what I believe to be) is an unhealthy relationship. I respectfully made my opinions known. But told my friend that I would support whatever decision he made because basically, I just want to see him happy.

So Oerdin, let your friend know how you feel, in a respectful manner. I would recommend the disclaimer thing so he can't pull that "culturally sensitive" bull**** on you. But then make sure you let him know that you will stand by him (at least I hope you will). I think you would agree that above all, your friend's happiness is the most important thing. Let him know you are just looking out for him.

[Bereta_Eder]

About the parents thing it's easy. first make him make sure he chooses a girl he likes and not some penpal. then he can reach a compromise with his parents. they can buy a two story building. with two separeate apparetments. they live in one the parents in the other. so they are "together" as the parents want but not really really together as he wants

[Bereta_Eder]

just tell him not to give them the key and voila!

[Mr. Harley]

Bereta_Eder is the only other person to bring up the point - having your parents move in when you've newly wed.

Have him think about it. One reason we ended up in Louisville is that my wife's mother would have been visiting CONSTANTLY if we had instead moved to NE Ohio, and she doesn't get along THAT well with her. Ask him if he really wants that. If he does, he will probably need some sort of traditional bride.

From what I understand the "in-laws from hell" is a constant theme in Indian culture, and Ballywood for that matter. I have this terrible image of what his home life will be like if he pursues the traditional route (considering his parents current track record). Ask him to think about it, and consider it. If he does - be there for him when it blows up.

[Atahualpa]

Teach him the good western way of doing the opposite of what your parents want

[Japher]

Introduce him to the savory cow

[Ted Striker]

Originally posted by Japher
The most important thing is "IS SHE HOT?"

Check out the pics... better yet, post them here and we'll let you know...

word

[Ted Striker]

I have a question for some of you guys though.

If you had the opportunity to marry the hottest girl you have ever seen, not just in your eyes, but in every other guy's eyes that sees her, but she was a mail order bride, would you still marry her?

I don't think most guys could say no. And I also don't think your friends would dog you out either for being with her. Cause they know how hot she is.

There will be alot of women upset with it though, I can guarantee that.

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Originally posted by Ted Striker
I have a question for some of you guys though.

If you had the opportunity to marry the hottest girl you have ever seen, not just in your eyes, but in every other guy's eyes that sees her, but she was a mail order bride, would you still marry her?

I don't think most guys could say no. And I also don't think your friends would dog you out either for being with her. Cause they know how hot she is.

There will be alot of women upset with it though, I can guarantee that.

Then most guys are idiots. The problem with marrying teh hottest woman in the world is that, unless you're the hottest guy in the world, she's going to spend at least some of her time looking around for her equal. Every time I saw some pasty, overweight geek at the visa window with his hot Filipina fiancee, my first thought was, "I hope you've surfed cuckoldry sites, dude, 'cause that's where your marriage is headed."

[Ted Striker]

Yeah, that's true, you should really be with someone who is in your "looks" range.

On the other hand, I've seen alot of not so attractive guys with both hot Russians and Filipinas, their marriages seem to stay together but then again I don't know any of these people personally, have just seen them in passing.

Being a stud myself I can't really relate.

[Urban Ranger]

Originally posted by Rufus T. Firefly
Every time I saw some pasty, overweight geek at the visa window with his hot Filipina fiancee, my first thought was, "I hope you've surfed cuckoldry sites, dude, 'cause that's where your marriage is headed."

Then again, who knows what her "equal" is?

[Ted Striker]

Urban Ranger does have a point.

Asian women do have a tendency to see white guys a different way than white women do. And, white guys see asian girls a different way than asian guys do.

Sometimes I see some of my asian friends going crazy over some girl and I'm like WTF? she looks like one of those anime characters good lawd! But then they may look at some girl I think is hot and be like "WTF she looks like a gorilla!"