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To Bill Clinton: This is your fault. Really. No, I'm not talking about the heart surgery; with your diet, that was bound to happen. I'm talking about the fact that you spent eight years as a relatively popular president and your legacy was ...didddly squat. You did nothing to build the party, or to make sure that your personal popularity in the hard-to-win South extended beyond just you. You did nothing to build a party apparatus, and nothing to foster any leadership other than your own. You had your way with the party, then left and didn't look back, except to shine in the convention limelight before returning to chat up bottle blondes in the hospitality suite. You suck.
To John Kerry: You are a dreary, uninspiring man, and most of the votes you got were actually just votes against Bush. But you know what? You - a Massachusetts liberal with no charisma - came within 200,000 votes of unseating a sitting president during a war. So don't be too hard on yourself.
To John Edwards: Remind me - what, exactly, did you bring to the ticket?
To Dean supporters: Here's five dollars; pop down to Starbucks and but yourself a latte and a clue. You think Dean would have been a better candidate than Kerry? You want to tell me which states that Kerry lost would have been won by a wealthy New England doctor with zero foreign policy experience? Christ-on-a-crutch, Gomer Pyle had more National Security credibility than Dean. Dean's inability to win even a single primary state, even after being pronounced inevitable by the media, should tell you a little something about how he would have fared in a general election. So just shut the f*ck up, will you?
To Hilary Clinton: Please don't do it. It's only two days after the election, and the media has already annointed you the 2008 frontrunner. But let's get serious: you'll get creamed. People hate you, Hil, and you're not going to change that. Not me, particularly; I don't think you're any worse than most politicians, and a fair bit better than some. But outside the charmed circles of liberals with elite educations like you and me, you really are despised. So be a good senator from New York; be Attorney General if the Dems ever win. But don't run; the party can't afford it.
To Bill Richardson: Start raising money, now. You're your party's last, best hope.
To Senate Democrats: Not Harry Reid, okay? Nice guy, but he's the same kind of accomodationist moderate Daschle was. Pick somebody who can actually lead, and not just his colleagues but his party: Chris Dodd. Trust me on this.
To my fellow Democrats, in the short term: Give up on the South. If I see one more of you pining for a "charismatic Southern moderate like Clinton," I'm gonna lose it. When is it going to sink in? There aren't any left. But there are popular Democratic governors in Arizona and Iowa, and popular Democratic senators in Iowa and Nevada. West, not South. Got it?
To my fellow Democrats, in the long term: Here's a history lesson. The Federalists wandered in the wilderness for more than 50 years after the election of 1800 until they, catalyzed by crisis over slavery, finally transmogrified into the Republicans and became the majority party. The Democrats then wandered in the wilderness for 70 years until they, catalyzed by the Depression, became the majority party. The GOP thus wandered for another 50-60 years until they, catalyzed by the excesses of the 60s and 70s, became the majority party. So get ready for a long haul and, when the cataclysm comes, for God's sake be ready.
To John Kerry: You are a dreary, uninspiring man, and most of the votes you got were actually just votes against Bush. But you know what? You - a Massachusetts liberal with no charisma - came within 200,000 votes of unseating a sitting president during a war. So don't be too hard on yourself.
To John Edwards: Remind me - what, exactly, did you bring to the ticket?
To Dean supporters: Here's five dollars; pop down to Starbucks and but yourself a latte and a clue. You think Dean would have been a better candidate than Kerry? You want to tell me which states that Kerry lost would have been won by a wealthy New England doctor with zero foreign policy experience? Christ-on-a-crutch, Gomer Pyle had more National Security credibility than Dean. Dean's inability to win even a single primary state, even after being pronounced inevitable by the media, should tell you a little something about how he would have fared in a general election. So just shut the f*ck up, will you?
To Hilary Clinton: Please don't do it. It's only two days after the election, and the media has already annointed you the 2008 frontrunner. But let's get serious: you'll get creamed. People hate you, Hil, and you're not going to change that. Not me, particularly; I don't think you're any worse than most politicians, and a fair bit better than some. But outside the charmed circles of liberals with elite educations like you and me, you really are despised. So be a good senator from New York; be Attorney General if the Dems ever win. But don't run; the party can't afford it.
To Bill Richardson: Start raising money, now. You're your party's last, best hope.
To Senate Democrats: Not Harry Reid, okay? Nice guy, but he's the same kind of accomodationist moderate Daschle was. Pick somebody who can actually lead, and not just his colleagues but his party: Chris Dodd. Trust me on this.
To my fellow Democrats, in the short term: Give up on the South. If I see one more of you pining for a "charismatic Southern moderate like Clinton," I'm gonna lose it. When is it going to sink in? There aren't any left. But there are popular Democratic governors in Arizona and Iowa, and popular Democratic senators in Iowa and Nevada. West, not South. Got it?
To my fellow Democrats, in the long term: Here's a history lesson. The Federalists wandered in the wilderness for more than 50 years after the election of 1800 until they, catalyzed by crisis over slavery, finally transmogrified into the Republicans and became the majority party. The Democrats then wandered in the wilderness for 70 years until they, catalyzed by the Depression, became the majority party. The GOP thus wandered for another 50-60 years until they, catalyzed by the excesses of the 60s and 70s, became the majority party. So get ready for a long haul and, when the cataclysm comes, for God's sake be ready.
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