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**connorkimbro** · December 5, 2003, 07:05

your trying to get over her?

it didn't seem that way from the chatlogs. . .

**Ted Striker** · December 5, 2003, 07:07

She seems pretentious

What's up with the whole "everyone is fake" crap.

**connorkimbro** · December 5, 2003, 07:08

yes, i thought that as well.

**self biased** · December 5, 2003, 07:09

i was just trying to catch up with her, connor. i'm still not sure how i feel about her. that's what i'm trying to figure out...

seems pretentious? seems pretentious? that, is about as self-centered as one gets. that's egocentrism collapsed in on iteself. that's... her. i guess she thinks she's better than most of the people on planet earth.

**connorkimbro** · December 5, 2003, 07:11

ah i see. in my mind that seems to conflict with when you said earlier that you were trying to get over her, but it's probably just that i don't know the whole story and really don't have a good picture of everything about her, you, and your history together. . .

**Ted Striker** · December 5, 2003, 07:11

i am pointing out her bad qualities so she's easier to get over

in any case i think she's bad news, for some reason she wasn't interested until you came in with your cops story...very odd...

Az · December 5, 2003, 07:13

Azazel, answer only when you know what these things are like

You have no idea.

**connorkimbro** · December 5, 2003, 07:15

i'll use an example from my own life, perhaps it will help you sort through your own ideas.

i had my heart broken once too. crushed, mutilated, destroyed, utterly. . .

I don't remember how much of it I posted about on apolyton, but a girl i had dated for over 4 years cheated on me and left me while i was at basic training (we were supposedly engaged at the time as well)

needless to say, it took a LONG time to get over that, and i traveled through some rather dark and deep valleys . . . and i'm still "getting over it" in a way.

now, also, more recently, her and i have started communicating again also. after several years of not. a part of me (and what i tell other people) is that we're just catching up. "we can be friends, right?" is what i think.

but deep down inside, i desperately want to be with her again, even though i'm afraid to admit it to anyone, almost including myself. i'm almost scared to talk to her, for fear of what it might bring up, yet i almost have to. . . just in case it somehow works out again.

is this similar to your situation?

**Ted Striker** · December 5, 2003, 07:16

Azazel is Hebrew Player

**self biased** · December 5, 2003, 07:18

indeed connor... yes, she is bad news. i think to a very large extent, i've just about cannonized her and put her on a pedastle (sp? it's late.)... kinda idolized her, so to speak.... now that i'm furthe away from the situation...

she's proud she's become a monster. monster's are one-dimentional. static. hollow. they don't feel anything, be it love, hate, fear, or loathing. she might like what she's become, but i don't. this is helping me distance myself from her.

**connorkimbro** · December 5, 2003, 07:22

i think to a very large extent, i've just about cannonized her and put her on a pedastle (sp? it's late.)... kinda idolized her, so to speak...

i completely understand what you mean here. my case is exactly the same in this regard.

either she's proud that she's become a monster. . . or. . . (more likely i think) is that she wants other people to think of her as a monster, as a sort of image . . .but inside, she is more afraid and scared of all her percieved inadequacies and short comings than ever. she desperately wants to be static, hollow, etc . . . she doesn't want to feel the pain. . .but she in reality is the opposite.

**self biased** · December 5, 2003, 07:23

and, we have a winner! i'm so terrified of speaking to her i could wet myself... there's also the fact that i had a dream about her not a week ago...

<< this, is bizarre. this one features myself and amanda of all people as the stars. we're councilors for some kind of summer camp for exceptionally gifted children. and by exceptionally gifted, i'm talking four digit i.q., psychic, precocious toddlers, aged 3-9. we're out "camping" in the pavilion, and i'm obviously not thrilled to be working with her, and the feeling is certainly mutual. i feel the pain of loss every time i look at her, but... we're there for the kids, and they're keeping us rather busy.

one particulary precocious four year old asked me:

"why do you want to cry when you look at her?"

i explained the best i could. she does have an IQ five times mine, but her experience is very limited. she is also, still a four-year-old. i guess amanda must have over-heard me, because after the kids had gone to bed, and i stayed up, reading/stargazing/whatever, and she went to bed. but not before giving me this apologetic look. huh? i stay up until dawn pondering this.

the girl came up to me at some point and confessed that she talked to her, and asked the same question to amanda. 'why does he look like he's going to cry...' she then touched my temple and i felt nothing but distilled calm and lucidity. and the child's voice was explaining her understanding of the universe to me. or tired to. most of it went clear over my head. and then i woke up. but i wasn't feeling the loss as much. i still don't to some extent...>>

am i hoping there might be a chance? yes. is that what i really want? not so sure at the moment. doubt is draining that infection more than logic could.

**self biased** · December 5, 2003, 07:26

there was this photoset on her blog that she had taken, entitled 'save me from myself.'

i wanted to burst down her door and scoop her up and be the knight in shining armor... but i'm still scared of her. i'm still licking wounds from her, licking wounds from tiamat, and others... i don't need any more scars... i've got enough for right now.

**Ted Striker** · December 5, 2003, 07:26

Originally posted by connorkimbro
she wants other people to think of her as a monster, as a sort of image . . .but inside, she is more afraid and scared of all her percieved inadequacies and short comings than ever. she desperately wants to be static, hollow, etc . . . she doesn't want to feel the pain. . .but she in reality is the opposite.

Well I can say with 100% confidence that that's exactly what is going on.

Having said this, if you 2 try and go out and "save" these girls I will personally track down both of you and beat you senseless.

Then I will have to get TCO to beat you both down after that.

**self biased** · December 5, 2003, 07:27

TCO?

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hell, apparently, has frozen over.

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