I Need Jokes!!

[lord of the mark]

General Patton sends out his aide, Corporal Levine, to reconnoiter a German position.

Yessir General! I'll go look around, I have no fear.

He returns.
Gen Patton: what did you see?
Corporal Levine: They have a thousand tanks, but thats nothing general, we can beat them with infantry, in fact I volunteer to lead the charge!
Gen. Patton: very good, go out and take another look
Again Levine returns
Gen Patton: well?
Corporal Levine: they have 500 artillery pieces, but we need not fear, a sudden flank attack with our armor will destroy them, I want to be part of that.
Gen Patton: very good, go take another look

Levine returns white as a ghost, trembling
Gen Patton: well, what did you see
Corporal Levine:er, uh, general, they have , a ...a
a REALLY BIG DOG!

[Boris Godunov]

Originally posted by CorpusScorpius
A guy walks into a bar & orders 12 Margaritas
bartender "what are you celebrating"
Guy "First ever B J"
Bartender "well lets make it a bakers dozen"
Guy "If the first 12 dont kill the taste , I doubt one more will help"

Hmmm, looks like someone had been eating asparagus...

[st_swithin]

Smells like someone's eaten asparagus before...

[rah]

Always one of my favorites

Bomb squad pranks

[Japher]

This T-Shirt cracks me up.

[rah]

actually that's the one i was looking for in my archive but couldn't find it so I settled for the other one.

[st_swithin]

I'm laughing and at the same time thinking 'guys have a really sick sense of humor.'

[Q Classic]

of course. hear any good dead baby jokes lately?

[rah]

>Ten Things You Should Never Say To a Woman During an Argument:
>
>1. Don't you have some laundry to do or something?
>
>2. Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off.
>
>3. You're just upset because your ass is beginning to spread.
>
>4. Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it?
>
>5. You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?
>
>6. I'm sorry. I was just picturing you naked.
>
>7. Whoa, time out. Football is on.
>
>8. Looks like someone had an extra bowl of ***** flakes this morning!
>
>9. Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?
>
>10. Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.

[st_swithin]

yeah - what do you call a dead baby in a hot bath?
Stew.

[Japher]

6. I'm sorry. I was just picturing you naked.
>
>7. Whoa, time out. Football is on.

I've done both of those, and yes, you should never do that.

[rah]

Yes, it's score tied, 1:30 to go, your team has the ball and is marching down the field.......................and there is absolutely nothing that is THAT IMPORTANT that it must be discussed right then. Unless it's about the bogus holding penalty.

[rah]

Six presidents are on a sinking ship.

Ford says, "What do we do???"

George Bush says, "Man the life boats!"

Reagan says, "What lifeboats?"

Carter says, "Women first!"

Nixon says, "Screw the women!"

Clinton says, "You think we have time?"

[Q Classic]

st_swithin i hadn't heard that one before.

what's blue and orange and sinks to the bottom of a pool?
baby with slashed floaties.

what's red and orange and floats at the top of a pool?
floaties with slashed baby.

[Japher]

not dead baby jokes

---

A couple was teaching their young daughter to say her prayers each night like a good christian should. The first night the over heard her say, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and say hi to Grandpa for me."

The next day the parents get a call that Grandpa had died in his sleep that night! Concerned the parents listen in to their daughter saying her prayers the next night.

"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and say hi to Grandma for me."

The next day they learn that Grandma had indeed died, from heartache. Very troubled about their daughters ability to see into the future they listen once again:

"God bless Mommy, and say hi to Daddy for me."

Very concerned the father stays up all night pacing, in the morning he refuses to go to work. At around noon there is a knock on the door, it's the mailman "Hi, I'm Bob your new mailman, I regret to tell you that Henry mysteriously died last night."