I Need Jokes!!

[st_swithin]

Originally posted by Q Cubed
what's red and orange and floats at the top of a pool?
floaties with slashed baby.

Toss that slashed baby in the ocean and you can call him Chum.

Toss the dead baby in the toilet and call him Ralph on the porcelain phone.

Make the dead baby into a chia pet and call him Harry.

[Ecthy]

I hate dead baby jokes. not funny.

and what is dgat?

[Zero]

Q: how long is a chinese name?

A: yes

[Japher]

That took me a while

[Pekka]

dgat is dog and cat mixed up. It's funny, right?

[Japher]

Just as funny as Turd Fergasun

[Pekka]

Zero, good one

[Agathon]

Q. What's worse than swinging a baby around on a clothesline?

A. Stopping it with a spade.

---------------

Two men, Nigel and Roger, were sitting in boat fishing.

Nigel: Hey Rog, do you like a woman with a face like a bulldog's ass?

Roger: No mate, not at all.

Nigel: Well then, do you like a woman with saggy boobs down to her ankles?

Roger: No, no way mate.

Nigel: What about a woman with a backside like a broken tractor?

Roger: Ugh! No way man, I can't stand women like that.

Nigel: Why the hell are you messing around with my wife then, you bastard!

[Ecthy]

Let me just say your sense of humour is a little ****ed up.

[Pekka]

Who? Mine?
I let you in on a secret. That joke was supposed to be stupid beyond any belief . Ja, I'm so busy dRiving the Autobahn I von't undeRstand this Zooks!

Just kidding man, don't get upset

I do this Arnold impression, not very good one, but anyway I like doing it.

[Agathon]

An Irishman was feeling a bit down and went to a psychiatrist.

After the session was over, the Irishman said, "Say Doc, what's all this IQ business about?"

Said the doctor, "It's a measure of how intelligent you are."

"So", said the Irishman, "what would I be like if I had an IQ of 160?"

"You'd be a genius, able to do amazing things."

"Wow, what if I had an IQ of 100?"

"Well", said the doctor, "you'd be of average intelligence. That's normal."

"OK, what about if I had an IQ of 75?", asked the Irishman.

"You'd be pretty dumb. In fact you'd find it hard to do simple mathematical calculations."

"Alright", said the Irishman, "what about if I had an IQ of 40?"

"Well, you'd be really dumb. In fact you'd be so stupid that you couldn't even tie your own shoelaces."

"Hmmm", said the Irishman, "Hey, I get it. That's why so many Australians wear flip-flops."

[Agathon]

Q. Why wasn't Jesus born in Australia?

A. Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

---------------

Q. How can you tell when a Liverpudlian girl has an orgasm?

A. She drops her chips.

[Boris Godunov]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols!"

[Boris Godunov]

An elderly lady went to the post office to buy stamps for Christmas cards. She said to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk said, "What denomination?"

The woman said, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptist."

[Boris Godunov]

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and says, "I would do anything to pass this exam."

She then leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes and says, "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything."

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Anything," she answers, alluringly

His voice softens. "Anything?"

"Anything," comes her breathy, sultry response.

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"