Wish me luck - we're going in

[The Mad Monk]

Glad to hear you passed!

Never say "passed" to a cancer patient.

[Ben Kenobi]

Said cancer patient also needs to clean out his inbox.

[Buster Crabbe's Uncle]

...I imagine he's too hung over and sodomied-out to care today...

-Do tell us about the great buttseks when you get back...

[Pekka]

...I imagine he's too hung over and sodomied-out to care today...

-Do tell us about the great buttseks when you get back...

Not hung over... sorry to surprise, but I don't drink much. I like wine, gin, and the likes but I don't really get drunk these days. Just enough to get a buzz, even that is rarely. Has to be an occasion. Like this, but I had few beers.

I was supposed to have a date with my gf after work but she cancelled on me. Again. We rescheduled for tomorrow, but she's not answering.

With the imminent fear of death and actually transcending to a status of healthy, I must say that again I am wavering. This is quite common, and I seem to be running after her. It would be cool, except it's almost a year now. We had an argument in our vacay about it as I brought this up. She cancelled in London quite a few times, we were supposed to do lots of things, but say while walking back to hotel she always "lie down and then we'll go". Every night, and I knew this, she would change her mind. Become tired. This is the norm. So I brought it up by saying I am frustrated that she cancels on me, usually an hour before, sometimes few minutes before a date. So, she went on how I have no right to her time and this must be a cultural thing, she can change her mind if she feels like it and it's basically none of my business. I do not find that to be a cultural thing as I make my plans according to what was agreed, so that is also my time wasted. This would not be so irritating unless it was a rare occasion. But it's not.

Also, she stil keeps saying harsh things to my face every now and then, now I call her on it. She gets very upset when I do so. I found it a bit disturbing as I wanted to have a relationship talk, she was forced to and I said I would like to be more close but she feels distant to me. Hot and cold. One day she wants lots of intimacy and is in contact, the next day unreachable for days on end. Given that we have a relationship, I would feel it is OK to be more close, it is as if she keeps me with arms length, once I kidn of move in more, she goes away, and vice versa. It is extremely confusing and frustrating. We see when she wants to see, communicate when she wants to communicate. My needs are not very important.

I have thought maybe I am being unreasonable, with bad experiences comparing to those and just mistaken. More as time goes by, and I see her doing this, I feel that I am not interpreting this wrong. I feel as if she is unstable. Story changes often; few weeks ago she explained how she wants to be friends with me if we don't work out. In London, she said unfortunately we cannot be friends if we don't work out. Few days after she talked about time table for kids and how she might not want to have kids, ever.

I had a really bad Christmas last year and she made fun of that; the first one without my kids, my mom was in the States and Dad was with his woman so I was alone. I went to hers though, but I thought it is not very empathetic to make fun of that. I have noticed that when ever I say something that hurts me, it takes a month or two and she says it to me, almost verbatum, with a smirk. I feel as if she is pushing my boundaries on purpose and possibly enjoying it. Up to this point, I have made excuses for her. The strongest flag is the fact that I walk on egg shells. Now that I've mentioned just a few of these, it is somehow me who is doing this all. She went on a full panic mode and just mirrored it all back to me. Then, as she noticed me being clearly disturbed as I replied "I find that disturbing and even when I've been tired, my memory is not bad at all", she went on what an intelligent guy I am, how I get her, and all other qualities that would appeal the most to me. Then she even pulled the "you are emotionally intelligent and I am starting to trust you". Yeah, right. Difficult to believe her words, as the actions are the opposite.

I am not saying she has problems, I am saying that even though she is everything I look in a woman, not sure if this can work out. I will bring this up again. I have accepted having my heart crushed, as if this might have been a bit too good to be true (it often is). Maybe it works out, who knows, if not, at least I don't see being with someone this distant. Too bad. We'll see though. The good thing is, I am now healthy (never was ill it seems), so the cloud of fear is removed and I can see better and have more courage to be upfront. It's just open communication anyway, not like I'll be throwing accusations around. I just want to know what she thinks and or feels, I've already come forward.

edit: I should add that I don't think she has some sort of a personality disorder thing. She lacks many of those things as well. But I reckon she definitely lacks empathy and has poor communication skills. She has lots of superficial charm. It all ends when were are just the two of us. A bit of a Jekyll and Hide. I've been waiting to see if it changes, but it has not changed, really. I do not see any genuine emotion. I see intellectual rationalising, and that's the end of it. And temper tantrums. Too bad. Kind of makes me sad. I think that is the part I would grow really tired really fast, if we, say, lived together. The childish behavior and mood swings.

editedit: so what it the big deal about London? Well, we went for 4 days, I paid for everything (out of my free will). I thought she would spend at least 1 night with me. FIrst night was too late (it was), the next 3 days we saw her friends. Which is cool, but we did not spend a single night together. Just the two of us. Except for one musical, after which she wanted to go to sleep. All plans, made like an hour before, was cancelled on the spot. I found it rude, actually. Felt like a sidekick for her trip to see her friends. With some complimentary sex on the side. But as a girlfriend, surely you would want to spend one night with your boyfriend, who invited and paid for it all, yes? Summarum: she treats me ****ty, tired of that. Brought it up, and it turns I have no rights to her time.

[Pekka]

let me be more boring and write. I feel newfound confidence. Do you remember when I had my first tumor? That was back in 2009. So, I've lived with some sort of death of fear for years now. I've been going for MRI and check ups every 3 months, expecting to die. First, it was not so serious, but then when I got the new one, very very serious. Odds, dead within the first years with treatments. That struck fear. And self-protection.

Added that my then wife started her cheating ways, did not add to my confidence. I was still working a lot, as the sole provider of the household. I went to my treatments alone. that sucked a lot.

So then time went on and I was still afraid, fully knowing the odds. Divorce happens. Not feeling secure about myself, except professionally. A bit of a nice guy, too much. Money was never a problem, perhaps insecurity oozed out of me. I am an easy target for anyone who wants that. I would rarely say no. Now, that I've started to say that, it's a problem. But it should not be a problem. I do not consider myself attached with cancer anymore, I consider myself healthy, finally. So I've doing some self protection removal, and it turns out I am not afraid of rejection anymore. I feel strong. So more rational as well. If it does not work out, she will not be my last opportunity in life because my life is not ending any time soon. That surely played a big part in me accepting ****ty treatment. I've got boundaries, I can communicate. If my boundaries, wishes/needs are "wrong", then will not work out.

This all said, I sure as hell hope it does. But not like I cannot take it. I can and will. Herein lies hope as well, if it all goes well, I think we have ourselves a keeper.

I am likely to see her Dad in September, I know he likes me. And her Mum likes me. My mom returns to in September, so I reckon we'll have dinner together. I'd finally like to introduce her to my kids as well, should the dinner go OK. If she feels comfortable, then we can do that. If not, I'm likely to feel ****ty about that, but I can get over it. In the meanwhile, let's see what happens. I am also saying that her not returing my reach out is not paining me. Maybe she feels comfortable this way. It's OK. But there are new rules to be applied, or negotiated. See if our needs and wants meet. And no, I am not going to wait for her forever. I'll continue to be polite, but firm. She has to show me respect as I do.

[Pekka]

OK.

Not good. I am healthy, however, I have slept well. I am making fast recovery. I am fairly sure my girlfriend has many boyfriends, or at least playfriends.

I think I am the "good boyfriend" she likes to keep around. Why the sudden change? Well, this is not sudden. I have been hoping but I realise it is not true.

She has been mirroring me in arguments. She also changes her story. She must not realise, but I do remember. Again, lots of little hints I have chosen to disregard. So I did the unthinkable and signed up for a site I know she is in. It is a fetish site, and yes, she is there, looking for playfriends, relationships and casual fun. Very nice. Explains a whole lot. She keeps a tight control of communications, and she made clear that if we don't work out, she will not want to be my friend because it would not be fair for me if I fell in love with her, it would pain me to hang out.

Yes, but I think I have some more self-respect than that. I am doubting her whole story very much. What a shame. She was so great. And there is absolutely no way to bring this up without her going nuts and denying everything. I see how I swore never ever to be in this situation again - and as much as it pains me, I will have to make a decision to not go onward. I will let her explain it, if she wants to, if she keeps this on, it's over anyway. And yeah, I need to get myself checked up, again. Hate this ****. This sucks, we went out for almost a year and I met her parents, too.

I guess on the upside, my next relationship will be with someone who is emotionally more warm and closer. And not seeking for kinky sex behind my back. She only needed to ask, that is what we agreed upon, and yet she did not. Really sucks, I figured she might be a keeper. I think she might have an STD right now so fortunately did not have sex with her yesterday, as she changed her mind at the very last moment and I just gave her a massage instead. This is speculating, but still. Sucks. She gave the worst excuse ever, "Sorry hon but you're too big for me today". Right. I can't believe I went for this for almost a year. I need to establish clear boundaries.

Too bad, she is very intelligent, funny, warm (occasionally), sociable (superficial charm up the roof), has a great job, is an excellent cook, great in bed, beautiful too with great style. I guess I'll take from this that at least I did have a relationship with a hot doctor and it was fun while it lasted.

I feel like not bringing this up with her at all. I know how she will break up with me. I liek her friends and parents, so I'll keep my mouth shut. I'll take her for a dinner and we'll split the bill and I will tell her that I love her. That will be the end of it. And we can both walk out with our faces and no one has to feel too bad about it. In me, she loses someone who truly cared for her though. I don't think a lot of men will take that crap for too long.

I suspect all her stories now. I am not even sure if her ex cheated on her, maybe it was the opposite. Everyone supposedly cheated on my ex-wife as well. Yet it was not the case. I don't think she is that bad, but definitely lacks in the social intelligence department too much. Kind of obvious why she underlines, always, how empathetic she is and how she is not playing games. Yet, that is exactly what she does. On the good side, I'm off the hook, she is extremely charming. I know, she will come after me, asking me out adn whatnot. IF she communicates this all extremely well during our dinner, I will see how I feel about that. Trust is gone. There is much more indicators than what I've said, but I feel they're kind of personal and do not want to talk about it.

The suckiest part is that I really did like her friends so much. And parents, too. And it will be all gone. And that I will compare other women to her for a long while, and no one will compare. That's damaging. And I was such a fool, having all these plans. So how sure am I? 99%. I'll give the 1% for brain damage. The problem is, that I am sleeping again, and feeling sharp and with no fear of death, my self confidence has returned. I'll let her explain, if she feels like it. If not? Well, that's too bad.

Let's take it back a bit, I don't think she has actual boyfriends than me, but she definitely has many sex partners. And she is still searching for someone else as well, even after I told her I am not looking for other dates or women. She still is. I find it disturbing. If she has many other sex partners, or even just one other than myself, then are they using a condom? I have no idea. All I know is that I never get to stay, I don't get to spend the night these days no matter what. And I got to stay over on our second date. And fourth. In our first month of knowing, and I do not snore. And she invited me over during our first conversation, when she did not know me at all. Also, there's always beers at her place she does not even drink. And sex toys that are not hers. Noted. And yet, I am somehow not angry at her. Just disappointed. I don't think her friends really know. This kept me out of the loop, as I met her friends and thought they would not tolerate this... but obviously they do not know, either. She has more than a few lives. Glad to get it now, as she is very intelligent. Difficult to get the puzzle. Stories match, actions match, on paper. Put together? Nothing matches anymore. Challenge a single bit on illogical parts, and she goes off the wall and sees nothing but problems. I reckon I'll see her.

So my problem now is that I know she'll try to keep me on her good side when she realises I am not so available anymore. Like I said, I still am so much into her, so how do I keep my head cool and not go for it? I would like to see her Dad, just out of respect for him. We can pretend to be bf/gf. I just won't pay for it all, and we can hang out but sex is off limits. So I figure either "I love you" and let her call it off or just weane off slowly so again, all save face and no one has to do the blame game. I don't feel like dating anyone ATM. The only thing I wonder is that is her ex-husband really that bad or was it jstu a story. Could be true, could be stories. I kind of feel bad for him though.

Well, this text sounds like I am going to marry her within a year or two, of course

[Ben Kenobi]

I don't think she has actual boyfriends than me, but she definitely has many sex partners. And she is still searching for someone else as well

Personally I would run not walk. She's just not that into you.

I don't feel like dating anyone ATM

So don't. You have kiddos now. Nothing says you have to date/be with anyone.

[Proteus_MST]

...

So don't. You have kiddos now. Nothing says you have to date/be with anyone.

At least according to the doctrine of the catholic church, as we know now ... you have kids, no need for sexual relationships or any form of sexual activity anymore

If you want to stay with her, however, remember to buy whips, chains and leather outifts ... at least if that's her kink

[Pekka]

At least according to the doctrine of the catholic church, as we know now ... you have kids, no need for sexual relationships or any form of sexual activity anymore

If you want to stay with her, however, remember to buy whips, chains and leather outifts ... at least if that's her kink

I have it all, except outfits for me. We got them together. It's quite fun it turns out.

I kind of want and don't want. The thing is, she has so many worrying traits, and yet she lacks them as well. She lacks so many traits altogether, that she is not like my ex-wife. As in totally lacks them. I do not feel like bringing this up, but I would consider myself single, except not into dating at the moment.

So technically I am her boyfriend, and I am not going behind her back, but she has to step up to be my girlfriend, and also we need to sort this all out.

We have touched the subject. She said she lacks the ability to, for example, get me closer to her. That she is sorry about it and she was not like that before. After her divorce, she has been like that. And she apologised and says she realises it is difficult when I do not know when she can be touched, as in when I can take her hand and she will accept it, and when not. As a precedent, it is then quite impossible for me to adjust or come closer in any way, as she might be in a state of isolation or wanting to be touched. If I feel like hugging, a shutdown from your girlfriend feels a bit unreasonable. Or a kiss. Not talking about sex. That is understandable.

But how does she expect this to work out, or any relationship to work out, when she does nto allow people advancing? She did spread a tear for that and said how sorry she is, and that she is waiting for it to get better and this should only be a temporary thing. However, there are no guarantees. And am I supposed to believe that she goes without any kind of touch for weeks on end? I know I do. And it sucks, because you are in a relationship, yet most of the things do not exist. Except perhaps once a week. But during that day, it's the best day ever. And there comes the problem. So that is why I don't bring this up now. I will make it obvious I am not here to fool around. She needs to make her own mind. If she is having a good time with others, she will "let me go". If not, she will want to keep me.

Adults would just talk it through, adn this will be. And that is the reason why I might just as well tell her that I love her. It is not entirely untrue, and it will set the pace.

[pchang]

Perhaps Pekka can write the book, "100 Shades of Black".

[Bereta_Eder]

You don't talk about these things, that's the last resort.
You make your actions do the talking and likewise from the other side.

Say: "look, I see you are confused or don't want a serious relationship. That's fine but that's not what I'm looking for. I like you, you're great (enhance with actual knowledge of the girl and how you feel about her).
So if and when you make your mind up, look me up and if I'm free we can take it from there".


Do that AFTER you have let your actions speak for you. AKA you behave like her boyfriend (call her, show her attention etc) and she doesn't reciprocate.

ta

Oh and you don't say "I love you" so that you'd hope she'd return your calls. She won't.
Save that for muuuuuch later

[rah]

Worthy advice. (actually kind of surprising)

[Pekka]

Worthy advice. (actually kind of surprising)

Agreed.

Well, she did msg me now that she does not have time this week. I asked if she wanted to go out tomorrow after work for a movie. Go figure.

Well, I'll be her bf on paper. I just don't know how to go forward. I am not going to see other women while a bf on paper even. Kind of weird. She did not have time last weekend, OK. Now not for the whole week. I reckon she is "buying time", in terms of calling it off altogether. That's fine, it's better that she does it. I deserve better treatment than this crap. I know she'll be away for two weeks in September, too. So that's like not going to see you for a month.

This just coincided when I got the good news from the doc. We agreed to celebrate. We never really did. I don't think I'm overreacting. If you promise your bf you'd celebrate, and cannot find the time for weeks, that's seriously disturbing. More to the point, I said I have huge sex drive due to the result. She, again, told that yes, let's play. Well, we never did. I did give her a massage and she went to sleep right after. So... that's not too cool. It's not possible to have a relationship when the other one is so busy that there are weeks in between seeing. It still sucks though. I did like her a lot, still do.

edit: Now she said she's not going to the UK. OK. And that she will not apologise for taking care of her needs. What ever that means. I only asked when she is going for UK and to let me know when she has time to catch up. That was all. Very defensive. Upset. I did not know one msg per day is so invasive.

[rah]

It's starting to sound like she's doing thing in an effort to make you break up with her so she doesn't have to do it to you.

Perfect time for the "Bereta" speach.

[Pekka]

Actually, now she feels creepy. I am a bit scared - not sure why.