Round II - This time I will KILL IT!

[Buster Crabbe's Uncle]

It's good that you're choosing to be living instead of dying.

[Pekka]

I choose so every morning. It's amazing to feel real gratitude in the morning for what used to be taken for granted: "hey I am alive, my fingers move, I can still see, I am not paralysed at all". This is what I go through every morning and I feel amazing for these abilities. How long did I go not appreciating these qualities? All my life. Not anymore.

[Buster Crabbe's Uncle]

My dad got two months' notice and spent those two months dying. He went out badly. Your way is better.

[Pekka]

My dad got two months' notice and spent those two months dying. He went out badly. Your way is better.

Very sorry to hear that... I've felt desperatio and depression at times, still do sometimes. It can really bring a person down. It can be overwhelming for sure. I guess I'm fortunate that I somehow seem to be bouncing back from bad news. Desperation, when it really hits, is really really bad.

[Buster Crabbe's Uncle]

For sure.

Still, we got a better deal out of life than every dead baby ever, and WE get to live in the future of 2014, with wonders all around us.

[Pekka]

This is true. One of the worst things that breaks my heart is to see those little kids at cancer ward goign to same treatments that I do. And they're fighters too! Not complaining... kills me to see them, brave little souls.

[OneFootInTheGrave]

I choose so every morning. It's amazing to feel real gratitude in the morning for what used to be taken for granted: "hey I am alive, my fingers move, I can still see, I am not paralysed at all". This is what I go through every morning and I feel amazing for these abilities. How long did I go not appreciating these qualities? All my life. Not anymore.

There is also this idea about the perception of time - if you are not engaged with life (ie preoccupied by work, stress, the usual) time does not really exist, or your own interaction with it is minimal, and it just passes without you noticing.

Thus we live the "longest" when we are kids/young, learning about the world, enjoying the wonders of seeing new stuff, appreciating every day, and in situations like yours when you are again in tune with the fact that you exist. Once you get into the "drone of life" where we are for most of our adult lives, a year is not much more than a week of engaged living.

As for what is worth, most of us here, even though that "technically" have a longer prognosis (we will all go eventually) are for the most part wasting it, just due to the setup we have in our lives which results with disengagement from life. You are engaging and fighting now, so as weird as it may sound, and even though it took this illness to bring it out - enjoy, appreciate life as you can feel it counts, and this energy will help you pull through and add a few more years to the "formal" prognosis as well.

[Bereta_Eder]

That's absolutely true. I have noticed that personally. There can be weeks that have passed and it's just like this film "day of the marmote"? Everything is the same and you're wasting away physically. And people around you get older and you get older.
And then there's a leave or a trip and the time freezes, joy returns, everything falls into perspective and it's like you regain total control of your life.
I think the "real" life, as hectic as the modern world has become, is only the exception, minor fractions of time.
That may sound a bit weird, but as Pekka is doing, THIS is the real life, living each and every minute and "being there".

[molly bloom]

I choose so every morning. It's amazing to feel real gratitude in the morning for what used to be taken for granted: "hey I am alive, my fingers move, I can still see, I am not paralysed at all". This is what I go through every morning and I feel amazing for these abilities. How long did I go not appreciating these qualities? All my life. Not anymore.

Pekka you made me think of this song. It's a great one to play first thing in the morning- whether you're exercising or not.

Juggy: 'Soul At Sunrise'.

I'm enjoying my Guinness (Sorry I forgot who tipped me off, thank you!).

It was a pleasure, Pekka. I'm glad you like it.

[Pekka]

Well, the weekend has been good. I feel well. I'm getting a bit nervous because my next appointment is coming up soon... so I'll know if the treatments have had any impact or not. I have already decided not to give up even if they have not shown improvement in my condition. It would be a mental set back, so I'm preparing to get over it as fast as possible because I decided this will not be the end of me as it is. In the long term? Maybe, but for now? No.

We went to eat at a friend's house today with lots of other friends and it was a breath of fresh air. They all know about my condition and of course can see the huge scar, actually most had not seen it before today, and yet it went fairly normally. Few were obviously a bit disturbed but maintained their cool as to not make us feel outsiders and the "cancer guy". So that was cool. Now I know I can do more of that for sure and feel OK about it. I don't have to worry about how others can cope with it - or if they indeed can. They all could. It's a stupid thing to worry about but I don't want to stick out like a sore thumb and make everyone feel uncomfortable, I just want to have fun and that everyone else can enjoy too. Few of my friends are doctors and it seems they are most worried. They deal with it well but it is obvious they are really concerned because they know exactly what this means and what the normal odds are. But then again, they deal with it at more professional level now, knowing that the best thing to do right now is to just keep up normalcy and stress free, fun having environment.

I have nice friends I jsut need to see them more.

We invited them to our place for a summer opening party in few weeks (max month), so I see myself getting more future oriented by the day. As in "Let's do this thing"! rather than "we used to do these things..". Planning for nice social things that actually take place is key.

Also I talk more in future tense, as in "yeah, next summer we build our garage and finish yard work" intead of "if we can finish yard work, I'll probably won't be here for the garage so let's not talk about it".

[notyoueither]

Good attitude, Pekka. Having wider support would be very helpful.

[Pekka]

Yes... it's all about spending time with your family, friends and finding balance between it all, being energized and tired. I am getting better at picking up moments and surfing through. Getting along better with the wife as well. We had some really difficult times just last week but it seems we got over it. So the air is now clear and we're going on a trip next Thursday. It'll be lots of fun Also, I've been building our house futher and that has been lots of fun. About to start yard work, really excited. I'll post some pictures later on of the house.

[Dinner]

Being able to star thinking about the future again is a great sign. It shows a very good mental state.

[notyoueither]

Yes... it's all about spending time with your family, friends and finding balance between it all, being energized and tired. I am getting better at picking up moments and surfing through. Getting along better with the wife as well. We had some really difficult times just last week but it seems we got over it. So the air is now clear and we're going on a trip next Thursday. It'll be lots of fun Also, I've been building our house futher and that has been lots of fun. About to start yard work, really excited. I'll post some pictures later on of the house.

Sounds like you're doing really well.

Look forward to the pics

[Bereta_Eder]