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pchang, what treatment are you referring to? The Novothreapy one?
Anyway, tomorrow starts my new cycle of chemo (triple dosage) so I'm a bit anxious about that... interestingly enough, right now, I'm not afraid. I'm mostly anxious if I get sick from it. I feel good, I feel great in fact.
Easter was nice, lot of people came, great food, lots of fun, and many unexpected people also came (who usually pass or don't show up), so all in all it was great times to be had. One of my cousins, who I certainly like but have never been very close to said he'll come Friday and visit me again and starts to come over more. I really liked that, he's a fun person. It would go into the category of things that I could have done better (be closer to him). So that's a check!
I'm going to my mom's again today, so another adventure planned for today
I've got to say, I've solved one of my personal mysteries that troubled me for years. Ever since first diagnosed, I was unable to deal with it. I figured that I have to fight, to not give up, and if I sort of accept it, it equals giving up and that I ill die earlier as a results. Sort of logical in a sense but th efeeling itself was strong so I did not dare but keep that position. So then I thought if I'm in a denial and staying in denial is also harmful in long term so where was I? In denial, trying not to give up, not able to accept, I was for sure in constant anger. It was survival.
But now I think differently. I'm accepting this as my battle, that may take my life, but I will not give up, I'm in it to win it. And I will forgive myself if I lose. SO no anger about that, not going to increase the pace of illness by giving up either. In fact, I'm starting to think it's no an illness per se, it is part of me and I just got to keep fight it, like diabetes, I can declare war against it but it probably don't understand my rhetorics anyway. This has resulted into an ability to be between fighting and relaxed state. Kind of like boxers and athletes before their performance, I'm sure they're afraid and scared, but they might take a good nap before entering the ring in a relaxed mind set. To give the best performance. THat's what I'm seeking to do and getting there slowly but surely. I think this will increase my quality and quantity of life. I recommend it to everyone else as well, even if you are not ill. It just means opening up totally and surreneding yourself to life as it comes, removing some of the filters, saying "yes", being truthful to oneself and following your own heart more. I used to follow what I considered rationale, yes it served me well for years, but all of it means nothing when it comes down to this.
One positive more positive thing, I'm decreasing my cortisone intake, so I'm less swollen now. It was to a point where my legs and hands were aching quite a bit and I thought how fat have I gotten but now it's going down fairly fast so I guess I've put on some weight but not THAT much LIke I outgrew one of my pants. They fit again.
edit: minus all the typos.. don't worry, I'm just a lazy writer and my fingers are still in fat mode.
Anyway, tomorrow starts my new cycle of chemo (triple dosage) so I'm a bit anxious about that... interestingly enough, right now, I'm not afraid. I'm mostly anxious if I get sick from it. I feel good, I feel great in fact.
Easter was nice, lot of people came, great food, lots of fun, and many unexpected people also came (who usually pass or don't show up), so all in all it was great times to be had. One of my cousins, who I certainly like but have never been very close to said he'll come Friday and visit me again and starts to come over more. I really liked that, he's a fun person. It would go into the category of things that I could have done better (be closer to him). So that's a check!
I'm going to my mom's again today, so another adventure planned for today
I've got to say, I've solved one of my personal mysteries that troubled me for years. Ever since first diagnosed, I was unable to deal with it. I figured that I have to fight, to not give up, and if I sort of accept it, it equals giving up and that I ill die earlier as a results. Sort of logical in a sense but th efeeling itself was strong so I did not dare but keep that position. So then I thought if I'm in a denial and staying in denial is also harmful in long term so where was I? In denial, trying not to give up, not able to accept, I was for sure in constant anger. It was survival.
But now I think differently. I'm accepting this as my battle, that may take my life, but I will not give up, I'm in it to win it. And I will forgive myself if I lose. SO no anger about that, not going to increase the pace of illness by giving up either. In fact, I'm starting to think it's no an illness per se, it is part of me and I just got to keep fight it, like diabetes, I can declare war against it but it probably don't understand my rhetorics anyway. This has resulted into an ability to be between fighting and relaxed state. Kind of like boxers and athletes before their performance, I'm sure they're afraid and scared, but they might take a good nap before entering the ring in a relaxed mind set. To give the best performance. THat's what I'm seeking to do and getting there slowly but surely. I think this will increase my quality and quantity of life. I recommend it to everyone else as well, even if you are not ill. It just means opening up totally and surreneding yourself to life as it comes, removing some of the filters, saying "yes", being truthful to oneself and following your own heart more. I used to follow what I considered rationale, yes it served me well for years, but all of it means nothing when it comes down to this.
One positive more positive thing, I'm decreasing my cortisone intake, so I'm less swollen now. It was to a point where my legs and hands were aching quite a bit and I thought how fat have I gotten but now it's going down fairly fast so I guess I've put on some weight but not THAT much
LIke I outgrew one of my pants. They fit again.edit: minus all the typos.. don't worry, I'm just a lazy writer and my fingers are still in fat mode.
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