Another fight ahead - this time it's for the title!

[Imran Siddiqui]

Supercitizen!! Fight the good fight and beat this cancer down!

[MrFun]

I'm not worried for SuperCitizen. I'm worried for that cancer. It is about to experience the sort of ass-kicking that happens once an eon.

Pekka, show this fuckin' cancer who is BOSS.

[Bugs ****ing Bunny]

It's 5cm. Are you going to let that little pissweasel boss you around? Go punch it in the ballbag.

[BlackCat]

Dammit Pekka, not alle those negative waves



Make a stand and fight



Best wishes for you

[Sava]

sorry pekka
the world is better with you

[Berzerker]

[Alexander's Horse]

he'll pull through

[Pekka]

Thanks everyone

There's some weird feeling of comfort when people I've been chatting with for over a decade now respond. I know you mean everything you've said and so I feel it.

I've been going through a roller coaster ride for some time thinking I can beat it, then looking at statistics, then thinking I can beat statistics and so forth. I've been reading books written by people with similar condition, and they've been fighting and doing a lot of things and at the end when you google the authors, they're all dead. A bit of a let down.

I am not in immediate danger, but I will be in the decision making process of "OK, so what next". It's scary... it's designed for my own benefit but the way it all goes down is quite ... I mean carrying out execution is also a process. People do it all the time. It's very clinical, precise, everyone distances themselves from the actual emotional burden of it. It's just facts and decision trees.

I will be getting more opinions in a month. Prognosis will be the same, but maybe others will suggest other routes for the next step.

My good friend is a training neuro-psychologists, so she gave me bunch of good sources to read (on my request). So I have access to all the good stuff for free, at least for now. It's really expensive so I was really glad to have the opportunity to gain access researchers and experts use. I'm used to going through journal articles so at least I know how to search for interesting stuff, I might not be good at actually understanding what is in them... but I can see what state of art is at the moment. That will give me discussion topics if my doctors are the kind that will talk with me about that stuff. I hope they are.

I'll be going back to work on Monday. I could just leave it all now but I feel like I should pick up where I left last week and just live with the situation as normal as possible. I'm 32... I think if I just stay home I'll die faster. Sending the signal of giving up at any sector I'm afraid will cascade through my body. Maybe it's bull**** but I just won't risk it. I'm a bit worried though, I haven't truly crashed at all. I haven't cried that much. Some tears did appear but that's about it. I think I should have had a stronger reaction.

[Ben Kenobi]

Sadly, I've used my thanks so I can't give Guy one.

Prayers up for you Pekka. If you ever need anyone to ***** to, give me a shout.

[Pekka]

Thanks everyone

I think my best chances is as follows:

1) Make sure to eat and exercise correctly in order to:
- Have the best immune system possible I can at this point
- Reduce the amount of inflammation to the minimum
- Just be in the maximum best health I can to slow down the growth or in case that fails, be at the shape of my life to handle the fight

2) Find a way to reduce stress, I have lots of it
- Lower blood pressure
- Be happier
- Let my body rest for the fight, reduce inflammation

3) Enjoy stuff
- Find my own time to do stuff I enjoy, not just work work work

4) Meditate and do spiritual stuff
- Find myself once again, I'm obviously out of touch of who I used to be and where I come from... at least to the point of getting to know myself again
- Find some inner peace, or at least have moments of silence
- Escape from the busy and noisy world

With these I hope to be in a good physical, mental and emotional shape to be in the better side of the median, which is 7 years with the attributes in my tumor (of which 3 has been used). So I figure I'll go for 15 years, because double is better. Then during that time, we'll come up with a better strategy OR there will be another life extending invention or treatment available. If not, then at least there will be time to study what the best experiment would be and roll the dice on that. And if that fails, win with placebo!

That's my plan so far. I'm not quite sure if it's good or not, but that's what I've got. I sure won't try to shoot below the median and die off in a year or so. That plan would suck.

[Sava]

be sure to donate sperm to a spermbank so future genertations will have supercirisens

[Pekka]

Not sure, Sava. I mean... what if its in the genes or something? Too much of a risk. I already have two small children, that's enough for me...

Anyway, I still haven't gotten a new appointment. I just found out that my doctor is actually the only doctor of this sort (brain cancer) in the damn region. She has like 300 patients. Give or take (pun intended).

So I don't expect to get any attention what so ever. The medicine she talked about we should try actually does nothing to my illness. Nothing what so ever. It might make more sense to not get any poison. Radiation is super extreme for the brain.

[PLATO]

Pekka, I am saddened by your condition, but uplifted by your attitude. If anyone can beat this, it is you.

You are in my prayers.

[Pekka]

PLATO, thank you, I need all the prayers I can get. The truth is... when you look at things, you might as well just be cured or at least have your life prolonged by God. Why not?

I've decided to have fun - more fun for what time I have left. Not neglecting the family of course. Fun together. We should travel more. See the world a bit. We should also do sports. I decided to start a video blog for my kids. When they are a bit older, then they have video so they can see who I was. I don't think it's creepy. Not like I'm going to do "TADAAA! This is me talking from the deads!!". More like... since I can't talk to them in a way I could talk to them when they are 14, 16, 18, what ever... I can do it now and know the get to see it. I've already arranged for a technical AV pro to lay out the way I need to do it so in 10 + years the video is still available and they can actually watch it. It's not actually a trivial task. But I'll get help for that.

Travel, yes... lots of things I want to do. I have this axis of what to do, on the other cup weighs in money. I'm the bread winner still now so I can, right now, leave my family with enough money for them to live a year off of it and pay off the mortgage from it (for a year). I can extend that to 2 years if I focus more and work smarter and ensure I get some of my investments back now. If I'm lucky, I could guarantee that. That gives me a feeling of safety. Life isn't about money, but as a father, when you know you can't protect your small kids, and you can't win the bread for them anymore... that is some of the most depressing things ever. So I can do that better. I've been thinking of doing this when I was first diagnosed in 2010.

But now? I feel like we should have more fun and I should also have some my own fun. I'd spend some of that money, I'd still be able to leave some... and if I live like few more years, I'll be able to make it back. I think it's important. Why would I be this martyr who in his last days will be only working just to ... you know. Why not live more?! I'm not talking about crazy stuff. I'm having my midlife crisis right now. I'm not going to buy a car, but maybe I'll get a cheap motorcycle, I've been dreaming of it for years. I've had the money too, but I never wanted to spend it. How about it? A bike for dad? I think so! Plus, with the bike, I actually get 90 minutes more time to be home (the commute is KILLING me every single day!!). I think it's fun, it's a dream, and plus it actually provides us more time together.

Also, I think I need to see my friends more. Play music, spin some records... yes, good times If I live ... even 2 more years without being totally hospitalized, I think I can live more than I would in 10 years if I jstu kept going to work and tuck in the kids when they go to sleep. I love them, I love life, it's about time to do what it's about instead of accumulating weird things that would.... I mean let's just live with heart and keep rationale on board but just less cynical and pessimistic. Yeah... and while at it, God might save me too.

[SlowwHand]

We love you, Pekka.