Joke Thread

[Cort Haus]

so a duck walks up to a chicken stood at the side of the road...

and he says "Don't do it mate, you'll never hear the end of it"

[Riesstiu IV]

What's the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies.

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

[b etor]

oh no not the dead baby jokes!!!!

[Wezil]

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no bike!"

[Cort Haus]

Except that an $80,000 mortgage doesn't sound very much these days. That joke needs to be index-linked to property inflation. :housepricethread:

[Maquiladora]

The bride was in tears, and so was the cake.

[Hercules]

Man goes into a food takeaway.

'I want a crocodile sandwich and make it snappy'

[LordShiva]

Ahmed and Hamid are both beggars at several motorway services.

Ahmed drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend .

Hamid only brings in 2 to 3 pounds a day. Hamid asks Ahmed how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day.

Ahmed says, "Look at your sign, . It says, "I have no work, a wife and six kids to support."

Britons who see that do not feel as if they have accomplished anything by giving you money.

You will still have no job and a large family.

Now look at my sign."

So Hamid looks and Ahmed 's sign reads:

"I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan "

[Guynemer]

Originally posted by b etor
oh no not the dead baby jokes!!!!

Dead baby jokes are VERY popular in the pediatrics community.




I just heard this (non-dead baby) joke today:

A guy goes to see his doctor. His doctor says, "Look, you've got to stop masturbating."
"Why?" asked the patient.
"Because I'm trying to examine you."

[Wezil]

How can you tell the difference between a dead skunk and a dead attorney on the road?

The vultures aren't gagging over the skunk.

[Kassiopeia]

Originally posted by Maquiladora
The bride was in tears, and so was the cake.

the cake is a lie

[Grandpa Troll]

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
Thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most.
What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working!

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing.
He started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,
so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I
could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster
than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be otherwise?
Pray for forgiveness!!! LOL

[Grandpa Troll]

The NSA is selecting new agents when they finally get it down to the last three contenders for one team spot. Two of the final three are men, the third is a women. The NSA officers call in the first man and say, "In the next room, there sits a person. As your final test, we want you to kill them." And they give him a gun.

"Okay," the guy says, and walks into the next room.

He immediately runs out and says, "I can't do it! That's my wife in there!" So, having failed the test, he is out of the running.

The next guy walks in, and the interviewers say, "Okay, we're going to tell you straight, your wife is sitting in the next room. As your final test, we want you to kill her." And they hand him the gun.

The guy goes pale, but takes the gun and walks into the next room. He comes out ten minutes later shaking his head saying, "I can't do it, I just can't do it..." He is also disqualified.

Finally, the woman walks in. And the officers say, "Ma'am, your husband is in the next room, as your final test, we want you to go in there and kill him." And they hand her the gun.

"Okay," says the woman, and she takes the gun and walks into the next room. The interviewers are waiting outside, of course, when from the next room they hear the sound of gunshots. They look at each other surprised that the woman had done it, but they then hear angry screams followed by the sound of a violent struggle.

They wait, until finally the woman walks out, frazzled and extremely annoyed. She turns to the interviewers and says, "You bastards! You didn't tell me the gun was full of blanks, so I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

[Grandpa Troll]

An old man,! Mr Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My private part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she
replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas."

"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my private part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy.

"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing."

[Grandpa Troll]

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their particular religion.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.

"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation!"

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a crick. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's Holy Word, and praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "You fellows don't even know what trouble is until you try to circumcise a bear."