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  • #31
    Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of course,
    the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the
    biggest house adjacent to the course.
    > >
    > > The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to
    go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive
    is going to cost us."
    > >
    > > So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm
    voice said, "Come on in."
    > >
    > > When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass
    was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its
    side near the broken window.
    > >
    > > A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke
    my window?"
    > >
    > > "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
    > >
    > > "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You
    see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand
    years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.
    I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last
    one for myself."
    > >
    > > "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and
    blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my
    life."
    > >
    > > "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can
    do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young
    lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
    > >
    > > "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every
    country in the world," she said.
    > >
    > > "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be
    safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
    > >
    > > "And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"
    > >
    > > "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with
    a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your
    wife."
    > >
    > > The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we
    both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
    > > She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're
    right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what
    about you, honey?"
    > >
    > > "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same
    for you!"
    > >
    > > So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest
    of the afternoon enjoying each other. After about three hours of
    non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes
    and asked, How old are you and your husband?"
    > >
    > > "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
    > >
    > > "No Kidding." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still
    believe in genies?!"
    Hi, I'm RAH and I'm a Benaholic.-rah

    Comment


    • #32
      Resimay


      Deer Sir,

      I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

      I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well.

      Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited

      I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

      I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

      hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.


      Sinseerly,

      Peggy May Starlings


      PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.
      .
      .
      .




      Employer's response:......


      Dear Peggy May,

      It's OK honey, we've got spell check
      Hi, I'm RAH and I'm a Benaholic.-rah

      Comment


      • #33
        I will let someone else post before I continue
        Hi, I'm RAH and I'm a Benaholic.-rah

        Comment


        • #34
          A man complains to his wife, "You never tell me when you have an orgasm."

          His wife replies, "Well, you're never home."
          Those who would give up Essential Liberty to purchase a little Temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety. - Ben Franklin
          Iain Banks missed deadline due to Civ | The eyes are the groin of the head. - Dwight Schrute.
          One more turn .... One more turn .... | WWTSD

          Comment


          • #35
            One day the Attorney General decides to find out just exactly which agency is the best in the nation at catching criminals - the FBI, the CIA, or the NYPD. So as a test, he takes a representative from each out to a forest, sets a rabbit loose in the forest, and sends them one at a time to go get it.

            The FBI agent goes first. An hour later, he returns with no rabbit, and says, "Well, I found the rabbit, but it turns out that he decided to turn state's evidence so we had to put him in the witness protection program." The AG says "Bull****, you never found that rabbit."

            So the CIA agent goes next. Sure enough, an hour goes by, and he returns with no rabbit. He tells the AG, "Well, we found the rabbit, but he confessed to spying for the Chinese. We turned him, and now he's a double agent spying on the Chinese for us in a deep cover assignment." The AG says, "Bull****, you never found that rabbit."

            Finally, the NYPD cop goes out. 10 minutes later he comes back holding a bear at gunpoint. The bear has had the **** kicked out of him, and is screaming "Alright, alright, I'm a rabbit!"
            Follow me on Twitter: http://twitter.com/DaveDaDouche
            Read my seldom updated blog where I talk to myself: http://davedadouche.blogspot.com/

            Comment


            • #36
              Originally posted by David Floyd
              One day the Attorney General decides to find out just exactly which agency is the best in the nation at catching criminals - the FBI, the CIA, or the NYPD. So as a test, he takes a representative from each out to a forest, sets a rabbit loose in the forest, and sends them one at a time to go get it.

              The FBI agent goes first. An hour later, he returns with no rabbit, and says, "Well, I found the rabbit, but it turns out that he decided to turn state's evidence so we had to put him in the witness protection program." The AG says "Bull****, you never found that rabbit."

              So the CIA agent goes next. Sure enough, an hour goes by, and he returns with no rabbit. He tells the AG, "Well, we found the rabbit, but he confessed to spying for the Chinese. We turned him, and now he's a double agent spying on the Chinese for us in a deep cover assignment." The AG says, "Bull****, you never found that rabbit."

              Finally, the NYPD cop goes out. 10 minutes later he comes back holding a bear at gunpoint. The bear has had the **** kicked out of him, and is screaming "Alright, alright, I'm a rabbit!"
              Hi, I'm RAH and I'm a Benaholic.-rah

              Comment


              • #37
                At a press conference Putin confirms, once again, that in 2008 Russia will be run by a different person. His aide steps in and remarks that after his 8 years of presidency Mr Putin has become a completely different person.
                Freedom is just unawareness of being manipulated.

                Comment


                • #38
                  Shortly after the start of the Iraq war in 2003, Saddam Hussein's minister calls a meeting to gather all the Saddam Hussein look-a-likes and body doubles.

                  "Friends, I have some good news and some bad news," he says. "The good news is, our glorious leader has survived the foolish American infidels' ill-fated attempt to kill him by bombing the palaces."

                  The body doubles all cheer and applaud. The minister quietens them down.

                  "The bad news... he has lost an arm."
                  "lol internet" ~ AAHZ

                  Comment


                  • #39
                    A man inherits an elephant and starts up an exhibition at a circus. There's a sign saying "$100,000 if you can get ALL FOUR FEET of the elephant off the ground at the same time".

                    Some people turn up and try to lift the elephant, to no avail. Some smarter folk turn up and try to roll the elephant onto its back, with no luck.

                    Finally a construction worker comes up, reads the sign, and pays his fee. Pulling out a flat board, he goes round to the back of the elephant and WHAPS THE ELEPHANT HARD IN THE BALLS with the board!

                    The elephant flies straight up and the construction worker claims his money from the amazed proprietor.

                    The proprietor moves to a different city and paints over his sign to read "$100,000 if you can force the elephant's head up and down and side to side".

                    After a few months, the construction worker is back in town and sees the sign. He pays his fee and goes up to the elephant.

                    He takes out his board.

                    "Hey elephant, do you remember me?"

                    The elephant nods his head yes.

                    "Hey elephant, are you happy to see me?"

                    The elephant shakes his head no.

                    The construction worker walks away with another $100k!
                    "lol internet" ~ AAHZ

                    Comment


                    • #40
                      King Arthur goes on a crusade and puts a special chastity belt on Queen Guinevere. The belt has a spring loaded trap that will slice off any intruding digit or bodily member attempting to dishonor the queen.

                      Arthur is gone for several years and comes back to the castle to his queen.

                      He lines up all his male servants and retainers in the courtyard and orders them to lift their robes and drop their stockings.

                      He walks down the line with the Queen's lady-in-waiting, checking every man's genitalia as he does so. Turns out everybody's penis has been cut off by the chastity belt's spring loaded trap.

                      Arthur is enraged and orders them all beheaded. Finally, resting in dismay on his throne, he calls the lady-in-waiting back to him and says to her:

                      "In faith, you and only you have been true to your liege. I will make you castellan, and all within these walls shall do as you bid."

                      The lady-in-waiting bowed deeply and said:

                      "-hank 'hoo veh'wy muc'k, mah' kinnn..."



                      [In case you didn't get it, the answer should be "on the tip of your tongue"... ]
                      "lol internet" ~ AAHZ

                      Comment


                      • #41
                        DF; made me laugh out loud
                        In da butt.
                        "Do not worry if others do not understand you. Instead worry if you do not understand others." - Confucius
                        THE UNDEFEATED SUPERCITIZEN w:4 t:2 l:1 (DON'T ASK!)
                        "God is dead" - Nietzsche. "Nietzsche is dead" - God.

                        Comment


                        • #42
                          A man walks past a bordello and sees a sign saying "SINGING BLOWJOBS".

                          He is intrigued and goes inside and asks for one. The madame takes him to a room where they turn off the lights and soon thereafter a lady comes in and administers to him in the darkness.

                          It is quite possibly the finest fellatio he's ever had, but while she's doing this to him, she starts singing simultaneously. In between the pleasure and the perplexity, he can't figure out how she does it.

                          The next day he brings a flashlight with him and goes to the bordello again. He pays his money and they take him to the dark room. The prostitute comes to him again and he gets a blowjob while she sings.

                          It's so good he almost forgets to use his flashlight. He takes it out of his pocket and shines it wildly, and the first thing he sees in the corner of the room is a glass eyeball.
                          "lol internet" ~ AAHZ

                          Comment


                          • #43
                            What's the difference between a magician's wand and a police tazer?

                            A magician's wand is for cunning stunts.
                            The police tazer is for apprehending criminals.

                            * ~ * ~ *

                            What do senior citizens wear under their clothing?

                            Depends.

                            * ~ * ~ *

                            What sort of file do you need to make a hole this big: -- .

                            ...into a hole this big? -- O

                            [Answer: a pedophile.]

                            * ~ * ~ *

                            The tragedy of Canada is that they could have had British culture, American technology, and French cuisine.

                            Instead, the poor buggers ended up with American culture, French technology, and British cuisine.
                            "lol internet" ~ AAHZ

                            Comment


                            • #44
                              Originally posted by Alinestra Covelia
                              A man inherits an elephant and starts up an exhibition at a circus. There's a sign saying "$100,000 if you can get ALL FOUR FEET of the elephant off the ground at the same time".

                              Some people turn up and try to lift the elephant, to no avail. Some smarter folk turn up and try to roll the elephant onto its back, with no luck.

                              Finally a construction worker comes up, reads the sign, and pays his fee. Pulling out a flat board, he goes round to the back of the elephant and WHAPS THE ELEPHANT HARD IN THE BALLS with the board!

                              The elephant flies straight up and the construction worker claims his money from the amazed proprietor.

                              The proprietor moves to a different city and paints over his sign to read "$100,000 if you can force the elephant's head up and down and side to side".

                              After a few months, the construction worker is back in town and sees the sign. He pays his fee and goes up to the elephant.

                              He takes out his board.

                              "Hey elephant, do you remember me?"

                              The elephant nods his head yes.

                              "Hey elephant, are you happy to see me?"

                              The elephant shakes his head no.

                              The construction worker walks away with another $100k!
                              Hi, I'm RAH and I'm a Benaholic.-rah

                              Comment


                              • #45
                                Originally posted by The Vagabond
                                At a press conference Putin confirms, once again, that in 2008 Russia will be run by a different person. His aide steps in and remarks that after his 8 years of presidency Mr Putin has become a completely different person.
                                Happy Putin
                                THEY!!111 OMG WTF LOL LET DA NOMADS AND TEH S3D3NTARY PEOPLA BOTH MAEK BITER AXP3REINCES
                                AND TEH GRAAT SINS OF THERE [DOCTRINAL] INOVATIONS BQU3ATH3D SMAL
                                AND!!1!11!!! LOL JUST IN CAES A DISPUTANT CALS U 2 DISPUT3 ABOUT THEYRE CLAMES
                                DO NOT THAN DISPUT3 ON THEM 3XCAPT BY WAY OF AN 3XTARNAL DISPUTA!!!!11!! WTF

                                Comment

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