Joke Thread

[Cort Haus]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cursed her.

Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for £5 million."

"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

[Alinestra Covelia]

[Ari Rahikkala]

Originally posted by Alinestra Covelia
It's so good he almost forgets to use his flashlight. He takes it out of his pocket and shines it wildly, and the first thing he sees in the corner of the room is a glass eyeball.

... I don't get it

[Kontiki]

What's in the place where the glass eyeball would otherwise be?

[rah]

Here's a slightly better version of the fbi cia lapd joke.

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are
the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give
them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has
to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of
extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest,
killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no
apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten
bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'

[Lord Avalon]

A motorcycle enthusiast is over at his friend's house. "You know, I've been wondering about something for a long time," he says. "How do you keep your bike so shiny all the time?"

"That's my big secret," his friend replies, "but since you're a such a good buddy, I'll tell you. I always carry Vaseline with me. Whenever it rains when I'm out with my bike, I put Vaseline all over the painted areas, and it protects them from the moisture. Later I rub it off with a cloth, and it keeps the bike looking great. As a matter of fact, I just bought a whole bunch of Vaseline today - you want a container?"

The guys says, "Sure, thanks! But now I have to go. I'm supposed to have dinner with my girlfriend over at her parents' house. I've never been there before, and I don't want to be late."

So he puts the Vaseline in his pocket, hops on his bike, and speeds over to see his girlfriend. When he arrives, she is waiting for him on the front porch.

"Listen, honey," she says, "there's something you should know about my family. We have a strange custom at dinnertime. The first person who speaks at the dinner table has to do the dishes."

"Oh, OK," he replies, "thanks for the warning."

They go inside, and he's not at all prepared for what he sees next. As they walk in, he sees dishes piled up in the hallway. Going through the living room, there are dishes piled up on the couch, on the coffee table, and even on the TV. When he gets to the dining room, he can barely get to a chair, due to all the dishes on the floor.

At this point, realizing the situation he's in, he isn't about to say a word about the dishes, or anything else for that matter. So he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.

They sit there eating quietly, and when dinner is done, they all sit there silently, napkins on their laps. No one says a word. After about 15 minutes, the guy starts getting antsy. "I'm going to get her dad to say something," he thinks.

So he grabs his girlfriend, throws her onto the table, and has sex with her right in front of her parents. Nobody says anything. So he grabs the mother, throws her onto the table, and does her right in front of everybody. Again nobody says anything.

Suddenly, there's a crack of thunder. The guy jumps up and takes the Vaseline out of his pocket. The father throws his napkin on the table and says, "ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT!! I'LL DO THE DISHES!!"

[ColdPhoenix]

A woman is in labour and it's a difficult birth, so much so that she passes out at the end. When she comes around the doctor is standng by the bed with a serious expression on his face.

"What happened" asked the mother.

"Well, I've got some good news and some bad news." replied teh doctor, "The bad news is that your baby is a ginger."

"No!" screamed the mother, "The shame!! What's the good news?"

"Well". said the doctor, "it's dead..."

[Wezil]

.

[LordShiva]

A bear walks into a bar and says, "I want a gin and............... tonic"

The bartender asks "What's with the huge pause?"

The bear says, "I'm a bear."

[Cort Haus]

A horse walks into a bar.

The barman says "why the long face?".

[Kontiki]

A man walks into a bar.

"OUCH!"

[Alinestra Covelia]

Joe Pesci walked under a bar.

...

That's it.

[LordShiva]

[Lord Avalon]

There is a new commandant at a base of the French Foreign Legion. The captain is showing him around. After the tour the commandant looks at the captain and says, "Wait a minute. You haven't shown me that small blue building over there. What's that used for?"

The captain says, "Well, sir, you see that there are no women around. Whenever the men fell the need for a woman, they go there and use the camel - "

"Enough!" says the commandant in disgust.

Well, two weeks later, the commandant himself starts to feel the need for a woman. He goes to the captain and says, "Tell me something, Captain." Lowering his voice and glancing furtively around, he asks, "Is the camel free anytime soon?"

"Well, let me see," replies the captain. He opens up his book. "Why, yes, sir, the camel is free tomorrow afternoon at two o'clock."

"Put me down," says the commandant.

So the next day at two, the commandant goes to the little blue building and opens the door. Inside he finds the cutest camel he's ever seen. Right next to the camel is a little step stool. He closes the door behind him and moves the stool directly behind the camel. He stands on the stool, drops his trousers, and begins to have sex with the camel.

A minute later the captain walks in.

"Ahem. Begging your pardon, sir," he says, "but wouldn't it be wiser to ride the camel into town and find a women like all the other men?"

[Mrs. Tuberski]

A man shopping for a parrot walks into a bird store
the clerk says i have this parrot, best thing about him is he is bi lingual
The man says no way
The clerk says sure let me show you
Pull on the parrots left leg
After he pulled the left leg the parrot says Como esta?
the guy says ok he speaks spanish
the clerk says pull is left leg
When done the parrot replies How are you?
the guy in awe then says i wonder what will happen if i pull both legs
the parrot replies
I fall down pendejo!!