Joke Thread

[Grandpa Troll]

Originally posted by Mrs. Tuberski
A man shopping for a parrot walks into a bird store
the clerk says i have this parrot, best thing about him is he is bi lingual
The man says no way
The clerk says sure let me show you
Pull on the parrots left leg
After he pulled the left leg the parrot says Como esta?
the guy says ok he speaks spanish
the clerk says pull is left leg
When done the parrot replies How are you?
the guy in awe then says i wonder what will happen if i pull both legs
the parrot replies
I fall down pendejo!!

Mui Buen

[Grandpa Troll]

Taking Mrs.Tubes lead on Parrots....

A Roman Catholic Priest walked into a bird store and as an owner of 2 male Parrots, wanted some companionship for his birds, without any mating going on. His birds studied the Bible, quoted the Bible and each had Rosary Beads on there Claws.

He saw two birds in a single cage, and inquired to the clerk about them.

The clerk stated they had foul mouths and when they spoke, they said "Shes a whore" to one another, and followed it in unison to the others tuning in with "Come Git some".

The clerk stated no one had wanted these foul mouth animals.

The Priest ponderwed and thought, his birds could be a great witness to these two.

He took them home and placed the four birds in the same cage.

The Male birds started in quoting the Bible and clutching the Rosary Beads.....

The female birds started in as the Priest left them to get acquainted.

When the female birds repeated the sayings, one male Parrot said to the other, "Hey Joseph, throw the damn beads down, our prayers have been answered!!"

[Nikolai]

A friend of my father often have long SMS talks with him where they compete on having the last, best word. Last time, my fathers friend won with this message:

I'm never wrong. Or, no, that's not right. Once in a discussion in the 80s, I said you were right. And that was, as we know, wrong.

[Cort Haus]

An octopus walks into a bar and says 'I can play ANY musical instrument you like'.

The English bloke gives him a guitar which he plays better than Hendrix.

The Irish fella gives him a piano which he plays better than Manzarek.

The Scotsman throws him a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles about for a few minutes and the scotsman says "what's wrong - can ye no play it?". The octopus says "play it? - i'm gonna f**k her brains out once i get her pyjamas off"

[Grandpa Troll]

Redneck Hunters

Two rednecks were out hunting. As they were walking along, they came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approached it and were amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter said, "Wow! That's some hole! I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?"
The second hunter said, "I don't know, let's throw something down there and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter said, "There's this old transmission over here. Give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".
So they picked it up and carried it over, counted one, and two and three, and threw it in the hole.
They were standing there listening and looking over the edge and when they heard a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turned around they saw a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole, and jump in headfirst.
While they were standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walked up.
"Say there", said the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter said "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
The old farmer said "Why, that's impossible! I had him chained to a transmission!"

[Grandpa Troll]

BAPTIST COWGIRL

A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my sisters though."

[Grandpa Troll]

REDNECK 9-1-1 Call

A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He does't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.



The other redneck starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone and calls 911.



He frantically blurts out to the operator,
"O my gawd! Help! My friend just died. He's Dead! What can I do?"



The operator, trying to calm him says,
"Take it easy. I can help. Just listen to me and follow my instructions. First, lets make sure he's dead." There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!!

The redneck comes back on the line and says,
"OK, now what?"

[Alinestra Covelia]

A lion is sleeping in the jungle. A monkey comes across the sleeping lion and decides to have some juvenile fun. Quickly, it runs up to the lion's rear end and starts humping it passionately.

The lion wakes up with a very uncomfortable feeling in its bum. It spins around and sees the monkey running away, hooting and gibbering with its arms in the air.

The lion runs after the monkey, who gets ahead a little ways and puts on a moustache and glasses and starts reading a newspaper.

The lion sees this stranger.

"Excuse me, have you seen a monkey pass by here?" he asks.

The monkey speaks in a low voice.

"What, you mean the one who bummed the lion just in the clearing over there?" asked the monkey.

The lion panicked.

"Aw crap!" the lion said. "Don't tell me it's in the newspapers already!"

[LordShiva]

A man and his wife were invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party after all. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice girl he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife moved on up to him and being a rather seductive woman herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little romp.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had.

He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

[Alinestra Covelia]

Two cows are sitting in a field. One cow says "Moo...."

The other cow turns to it and says "For Chrissakes man you always say that!"

[Riesstiu IV]

Adolf Hitler was conducting a General Staff meeting, when somebody sneezed.

"Who vas zat!?" shouted Hitler, whirling around from a wall map of Europe. Nobody said anything.

"I see," he said, "I vill haff 10 of you shot. Und maybe zen you vill tell me who schneezed, ja?" A Gestapo agent took 10 people out of the room. Shots were heard, then silence.

"I vill ask again," yelled Hitler, "who schneezed?" Again, nobody said anything.

"Very vell," he said, "I vill haff anosser 10 of you shot!" The Gestapo agent escorted 10 more people out of the room and executed them.

"For ze very last time," screamed Hitler, "who schneezed?"

Finally the guilty officer could stand no more. He stood up and said, "It vas me, mein Führer. I am ze vun who schneezed."

Hitler slowly approached the shaking officer and said, "Gesundheit."

[Cort Haus]

1st DJ : "Going to the cinema tonight?"
2nd DJ: "Why, who's the projectionist?"

[LordShiva]

Originally posted by Cort Haus
1st DJ : "Going to the cinema tonight?"
2nd DJ: "Why, who's the projectionist?"

[Alinestra Covelia]

Originally posted by LordShiva
"... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

You may not believe it, but there is a provision in the Model Penal Code that directly makes it a crime for a man to have sex with a woman by means of pretending to be her husband.

I forget whether it's first degree rape or second degree rape but it's definitely there.

[Cort Haus]

An Atheist in the Woods

An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees!"
"What powerful rivers!"
"What beautiful animals!"
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.


At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."