Joke Thread

[Grandpa Troll]

Getting Married
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
dating
>for
>over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one
little
>
>thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger sister.
>
> My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight
> miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly
bend
> down when she was near me, and I always got more than a
pleasant
>
> view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never
>did
> it when she was near anyone else.
>
> One day "littl e" sister called and asked me to come over to
>check
> the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she
> whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that
>she
> couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to
>me
> just once before I got married and committed my life to her
>sister.
> Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
> She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want
one
>
> last wild fling, just come up and get me."
>
> I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the
> stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties
and
> threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment,
>then
> turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened
>the
> door, and headed straight towards my car.
>
> Lo a nd behold, my entire future family was standing outside,
all
>
> clapping! With tears in his
> eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy
>that
> you have passed our little test..... we couldn't ask for a
>better
> man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
>
> And the moral of this story is:
>
>
> It's best to always keep your condoms in your car.......it could save your life one day.

[Grandpa Troll]

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy
class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery
table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it Is
necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is That
you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an
example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the
butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth."

Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students
freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns
sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When
everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The
second most important quality is observation.

I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my Index finger. Now learn to
pay attention."

[Grandpa Troll]

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson,
>>>died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since
>>>you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the
>>>world, your reward is that you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven."
>>> Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang
>>>out with God."
>>>
>>>St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
>>>God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who
>>>invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?" Arthur said, "Yeah, that's
>>>me...."
>>>
>>>God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something
>>>that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run
>>>without a
>> road?"
>>>
>>>Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me,
>>>but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
>>>
>>>God said, "Ah, yes." "Well ," said Arthur, "professional to
>>>professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
>>>
>>>
>>>1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion
>>>
>>>2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
>>>
>>>3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much
>>>
>>>4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
>>>
>>>5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
>>>
>>>"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
>>>God
>>>went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and
>>>waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and
>>>God read it "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God
>>>said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding
>>>my invention than yours.

[Grandpa Troll]

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through
She leans over and says, "I just did a silent fart, what do you think I
should do?"

He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid.

[Grandpa Troll]

Each Friday night after work, Bubba
would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison
steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were
Catholic....And since it was Lent, they were
forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled
venison steaks was causing such a problem for the
Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and
suggested that he become a Catholic. After several
classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass, and as
the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said,
"You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but
now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved,
until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma
of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the
neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard ,
clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he
stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small
bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled
over the grilling meat and chanted: You wuz born
a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you a
catfish.

[Grandpa Troll]

Larry and Steve wanted to go out drinking; they only had $2.00 between them. Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and spent the $2.00 on one large sausage.

Steve said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Larry replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

They went into the pub where Larry immediately ordered two double shots of Jack Daniels. Steve said, "Now you've lost it! Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money to pay for this!"

Larry replied, with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!" They downed their drinks. Larry said "OK! I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get on your knees and put it in your mouth."

Said and done, the bar man noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out, forgetting about charging them for the drinks.

They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth bar, Steve said, "Larry - I don't think I can do this anymore. My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"

Larry said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third bar.

[Grandpa Troll]

I reckon thats enough for now, until someone else posts some

Gramps

[Wezil]

[Grandpa Troll]

A famous Northern United States Lawyer was hunting at a bird camp where a fee was paid and you could keep all the birds you could shoot.

This Yankee Lawyer, never having hunted these fields in Arkansas, got a bit turned around, saw a quail and began blasting away.

One of the birds fell just on the other side of a fence, where the land owner was approaching on his Massey Ferguson Tractor.

The loud mouthed Yankee started in, "Thats my bird, thats my bird"

Before the landowner got a chance to even say anything, the Yankee was headed across the fence.

"Now wait a minute fella, that thar is my fence and your on my property to boot" offered the farmer.

"I will sue your azz and take everything you own and tie it up in litigation" spewed the lawyer.

The farmer, old and boney, scratched his bald head. "We down here dont like courts much in resolving our disputes, no sir, we got what what we call a three kick rule."

The Lawyer, smugly asked "what does this mean?"

The farmer stated "Well, mister fancy lawyer, we each get three kicks until one of us gives"

The lawyer smirked, heck, he worked out 6 days a week, ws in great shape and was about half the old geezers age, spoke "Sure old fella, why dont you go first"

The farmer quietly and slowly meandered up to the Lawyer, his first kick caughtthe lawyer hard in his genital are, causing tears to well up in his eyes as he was speechless in pain.


The second kicked nearly took the lawyers nose off his face and did jar some teeth loose. Spitting blood, the lawyer rolled over on the ground.

The third kick caught him in the spleen almost knocking him unconscious.

The lawyer stood, slowly, almsot gaining composure, hot with anger, told the farmer'I am gonna kick your azz, its my turn"

The farmer, smuggly replied, "No, its ok, keep the darned bird" and slowly climbed back on his tractor and drove off.

[Grandpa Troll]

I went to see the nurse and was devastated when she told me I'd have to stop masturbating.

"Why do I have to stop? Is there something wrong?"
"I don't know yet, but unless you stop then I won't be able to examine you."

[Grandpa Troll]

One day in the deep woods, a Bear was taking a restrrom break.

A small furry rabbit hooped up, started doing the same.

"Hello little rabbit" said the bear.

The Bear continued, "Mr. Rabbit, that has to be the finest fur I have ever seen on an animal. Please, tell me about it."

The rabbit, excited that this magnificent beast would take time to talk to him, began to allow his left foot to thump away with excitement, responded with Joy!"Its furry, yes, shiney indeed and the best thing about it, nothing sticks to it!"

"Really?" asked the bear, to which the rabbit nodded in agreement.

The bear bent down, grabbed the rabbit behind its head, and proceeded to wipe his butt with it, smuggly replying "Good!"

[Grandpa Troll]

In Los Angelas we all know the police have a reputation.

One day three college kids were speeding down the highwat when a traffic cop pulled them over.

He walked up to the driver, and asked him for his license and as the driver started to produce the requested document, the officer pistol whipped him and as he was laying there bleeding from his head wound, the officer said "That was for speeding"

Then as the two others in the car watched in horror, the officer walked to other side of car and asked the passenger in front seat for the vehicle registration. The passenger fumbled and after about 20 seconds offered the requested document to the irate officer.

The officer used his night stick and wore the passeneger out, stopping to tell him the reason, "You were too slow"

Then without warning and without provacation, the officer peppered sprayed the innocent passenger in the rear and punched him several times in face, leaving him battered on the ground.

The paseneger muttered barely audible "Why"

The officer snickered, I was granting you your wish. If I would have let you go, you would be telling your buddies in the front seat, I wish the cop would have tried that mess with me!!

[Lonestar]

Two deuterium atoms are walking down the street. The first one goes "Damn! I lost an electron!".

The second one goes "are you sure?"

The first one: "I'm Positive!"

[Grandpa Troll]

Bubba at the Revival

Bubba goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the
preacher asks anyone with needs

to come forward and be prayed over.

Bubba gets in line and when it's his turn the preacher says, "Bubba, what
you want me to pray about?"

Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear and the other hand on top
of his head and prays a while.

After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, "Bubba, how's your
hearing now?"

Bubba says, "I don't know preacher, it's not until next Wednesday."

[Grandpa Troll]

An 80 year-old man goes for a physical.
>> All of his tests come back with
>> normal results.
>> The doctor says,
>> "George, everything looks great.
>> How are you doing mentally and emotionally?
>> .Are you at peace with God?"
>>
>> George replies, "God and I are tight He knows I have poor eyesight,
>> so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to
>> the bathroom, poof! the light goes on.
>> When I'm done, poof! the light goes off."
>> "Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
>> A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife "Ethel," he
>> says, " George is doing fine!
>> But I had to call you as I am in awe of his relationship with God. Is
>> it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on
>> in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"
>> "Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims.
>> "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!