Tweet
Hi Michelle:
Yeah, that sounds like he's a bit too far on the other side of things. The important thing is you talked about it! The easiest advice is to suggest seeing a marriage counselor. This challenge is VERY common, and you shouldn't feel like you're in this boat alone.
Having said that, maybe you could lay some ground rules: my wife and I actually, for a time, scheduled time for sex. This had to do with the fact that we have two young children and were just letting their needs take over completely, and it brought us to the brink. Of course, to have sex when kids are around means you have to focus more on getting them to bed on time, etc. It was mechanical a bit at first but gradually became a much healthier habit.
So, I'd suggest you guys pick 3-4-5 nights a week where sex is scheduled. Sounds corny, but trust me. Even if you just end up in a quiet space, relaxed, and talking, that's a plus. He might be surprised how much more lessened the need for porn becomes.
The other ground rule I'd try is to affirm with him that while you don't object to his viewing porn as a normal outlet, the time should be scaled back to make more time for the sex schedule. Also, he should hear, if he hasn't already, that being curious about perverse photos (animals, etc.) is one thing, but returning to it over and over could be a sign that he should talk with a sex counselor ... if for no other reason than to hear from a professional how troubled he should or should not be by it.
The final thing I would suggest is to share a porn session with him. It's kind of like a parent letting a kid smoke that first cigarette: some of the 'danger factor' of looking at porn is taken away when your wife accepts it with you, and the danger factor can be addicting itself. In the best case scenario, the following goals would be met:
1] He'd spend a lot less time looking at the stuff.
2] You'd spend a lot more time together as a couple.
3] You'd come to view porn itself as neither good nor bad but as a tool that, like all tools, can either build up or tear down.
Yeah, that sounds like he's a bit too far on the other side of things. The important thing is you talked about it! The easiest advice is to suggest seeing a marriage counselor. This challenge is VERY common, and you shouldn't feel like you're in this boat alone.
Having said that, maybe you could lay some ground rules: my wife and I actually, for a time, scheduled time for sex. This had to do with the fact that we have two young children and were just letting their needs take over completely, and it brought us to the brink. Of course, to have sex when kids are around means you have to focus more on getting them to bed on time, etc. It was mechanical a bit at first but gradually became a much healthier habit.
So, I'd suggest you guys pick 3-4-5 nights a week where sex is scheduled. Sounds corny, but trust me. Even if you just end up in a quiet space, relaxed, and talking, that's a plus. He might be surprised how much more lessened the need for porn becomes.
The other ground rule I'd try is to affirm with him that while you don't object to his viewing porn as a normal outlet, the time should be scaled back to make more time for the sex schedule. Also, he should hear, if he hasn't already, that being curious about perverse photos (animals, etc.) is one thing, but returning to it over and over could be a sign that he should talk with a sex counselor ... if for no other reason than to hear from a professional how troubled he should or should not be by it.
The final thing I would suggest is to share a porn session with him. It's kind of like a parent letting a kid smoke that first cigarette: some of the 'danger factor' of looking at porn is taken away when your wife accepts it with you, and the danger factor can be addicting itself. In the best case scenario, the following goals would be met:
1] He'd spend a lot less time looking at the stuff.
2] You'd spend a lot more time together as a couple.
3] You'd come to view porn itself as neither good nor bad but as a tool that, like all tools, can either build up or tear down.
it doesnt have much affect except for my mental state of mind, but I will definatly suggest what you have said.
Hey, congrats on getting the kids to bed before 7. Holy Cow. You might have other challenges in your house, but you're setting the pace on kiddie bed time. We're still pretty horrible on that.
Comment