My problem with porn (need some advice)

[shellym]

Hi I am new here and happened upon your questions and answers to 'why do men look at porn' my fella and i were arguing about this last night, i have read and been told many times not to try and understand why, but i still find myself looking for the answer.

I know that me asking him to never look at it again is unreasonable, this is the only relastionship where i have had to deal with porn, my first hubby was in the army away alot and it was never something he or i did. I did know and do know that my hubby now likes it ALOT, he knows i have issues with it (insecurity, jelously etc etc) he did says he would stop looking but cant do it. I have downloaded many dvds so maybe we could share it (this has not happened yet and i copied them over 6 months ago).

When he looks at porn it is very secretive, he has lied about it and sneeks around to do it. Now im not saying if he was veru open about it and in my face that i would all of a sudden be fine with it but maybe i could get used to it!

Thoughts on this so far please

Next issue to ponder if you will.... as i am curious to know why he is sooo desperate to be able to view it, i want to know why, he tells me he is more than happy with our sex life (i am 28 he is 35 i want more than he can give) he tells me he finds me attractive and so its none of the usual.. she wont give me what i want, he looking for new move etc etc.. then why does he?????

He says its coz he like to look at women, he swears he does not get turned on and is worried about watching it with me because i would get turned on and want sex eveytime and hes not up to it?

I am seriously confused.. i dont want to try and change him, if he needs this i want to give him itm, but by the same token it IS hurting my feelings, it DOES make me doubt myself and his attraction for me.

I just dont get it !!!!!!

Please any thoughts are gratefully received.

Michelle

[DinoDoc]

[Japher]

You know what they say; if you've seen one woman naked, you want see them all.

[Lorizael]

Jealousy isn't the appropriate response to this problem. Men don't look at pornographic material the same way they look at their significant other. Men look at women in porn as objects. It is unfortunate, but true.

Porn is something that visually appeals to males, and activates very base and biological urges. It does not take the place of sex, because sex is an all together different experience than masturbation.

[Fake Boris]

[chequita guevara]

shellym,

95% of men look at porn. The other 5% are lying. Don't ask why, just accept it. Kinda like how we don't like to talk much.

Your feelings are your own, and you have every right to them, but so does he. Where it should be a problem is if you aren't getting the sex you want because he's getting his rocks off to porn.

As to why he doesn't want to watch it with you, that sounds kinda weird. He's afraid you'd want too much sex?


Anyway:

[DinoDoc]

Ha ha! che and Lorizael taking a DL seriously.

[Provost Harrison]

So where's the link? I'm very disappointed...

[yin26]

Men are hard-coded for wanting as many sexual encounters as they can get before being killed off by lions (or cancer, etc.). Women are hard-coded to select the best mate and maintain a stable, protective relationship to raise the offspring. In reality, of course, modern society allows us all to fall anywhere along this scale. Some men want nothing more than a single partner and never look at porn. Some women sleep around with men like crazy and feel no regrets.

That said, I personally believe it's entirely normal for a man to use porn as an outlet for his primal nature. You should NOT feel threatened by it in the sense that you must somehow compete with airbrushed bimbos who do sexual acts for money. You are not a prostitute or a porn star, and, trust me, your man does not want you to be. Again, it's just in a man's nature to be able to engage in sex or sexual fantasies, get his release, and move on. As long as he doesn't carry this to an actual fling, you're fine.

However, secrecy and hurt feelings are obviously not doing anybody any good. Here is my advice: Share some porn viewing with him. You could put some preferences on it. For example, my wife prefers some of the softer stuff...not just 15 minutes of genitals slamming each other. She accepts this part of my nature and even joins me in it when I ask.

In return, however, I agree not to be secretive. I also agree in return to show her more of the kind of interaction she enjoys, like dates at nice restaurants, watching some of her favorite TV programs together, TALKING! (bleh! ).

By the way, things that are NOT understandable would be e-mail relationships, chatting on-line with women, etc. Once it goes beyond enjoying anonymous images of paid porn professionals and into actual relationships, then there's a serious problem. Until then, enjoy the labor and the rewards of embracing this part of the male psyche!

[Jon Miller]

The secretive issue relates to childhood feelings. Porn is an addiction. Be that as it is, all guys (who aren't gay/asexual) enjoy looking at girls (including girls naked).

I guess I don't know what to suggest but to try and bring it out into the open (which it seems like you are doing). Then the two of you can decide what (if anything) you want to do about it.

Jon Miller
(recovering porn addict)

[Datajack Franit]

I suspect that watching porn is better than wasting money on asian hookers

[Q Classic]

...Well, at least be glad he's not watching gay porn.

[Lorizael]

Originally posted by DinoDoc
Ha ha! che and Lorizael taking a DL seriously.

I just wonder how a woman worrying about her man's porn addiction stumbled onto Apolyton...

[Provost Harrison]

Originally posted by Datajack Franit
I suspect that watching porn is better than wasting money on asian hookers

Well I guess you'll just have to call me wasteful then

[MrFun]

Why would anyone ever think that porn is problematic?