I'm split up with my wife agian.

[Kidlicious]

I'll negotiate for decision making power in a divorce agreement. I judge might not want to give that to me. I don't think she'll care too much about it.

I also mainly just want a custody arrangement so that she can't pull this concealment crap again. I guess joint custody will take care of that, huh?

[Mrs. Tuberski]

One thing that worked for me before my divorce was final was I sat down with my ex husband and wrote out an agreement about custody. We then had two witnesses sign it and us as well and that took care of the concealment crap. The joint custody so to speak allows decison making for the child while in your custody. Reading through my divorce agreement your ex can make decisons that you dont agree with while the child is in her custody. Most serious medical decisions must be agreed upon. If your not able to be reached for those then she can make them on her own. and so on and so forth. Both parents are given the same legal rights as far as decision matters.

[chequita guevara]

Originally posted by Kidicious
I also mainly just want a custody arrangement so that she can't pull this concealment crap again. I guess joint custody will take care of that, huh?

It won't stop her from taking him to Mexico. Legally it would, if the authorites caught her before she crossed the border. Once she's over the border, if you can't find her, your kid will be gone.

[Kidlicious]

We came to an agreement on the divorce. Joint custody. I get my son on the weekends. We'll see if she can keep her nose clean. If she can't I'll go from there.

Oh and I've been recording phone calls which you can use in court here in California. Now I have some stuff to let the police and courts listen to to reveal her lies.

[Whaleboy]

Nice one Kid, sounds like you gotta bide your time and remember if you're recording calls (still do that) not to let your guard down... let her make her mistakes.

[Spiffor]

Originally posted by Kidicious
We came to an agreement on the divorce. Joint custody. I get my son on the weekends. We'll see if she can keep her nose clean. If she can't I'll go from there.

Oh and I've been recording phone calls which you can use in court here in California. Now I have some stuff to let the police and courts listen to to reveal her lies.

But as usual... Don't rush to the courts. Keep these records until their use is warranted, and of course with the guidance of a lawyer. Glad to see something could have been worked out. Maybe it'll avoid a costly and very sad trial.

[Mrs. Tuberski]

Way very cool. Glad to see that the woman wanted to try and help your kid. As I have stated before bide your time get your ammo and then go for the most if you have to. Remember all of this is supposed to be in the best intrest of the child. Not the parents. The child should never be used as a tool. If there is one thing I can say is that women can be resonable however they are more emotional and will fight to the death. I wish you luck as you continue your quest.

[Sikander]

Still don't have a lawyer, and now you're happy to let your meth addicted wife have primary custody? Something isn't adding up.

[Kidlicious]

Wow! Check this out. I filed for divorce in 2003 and served her orders. Neither one of us went to court. Now I find out that all I have to do is file for a default judgement and I would get full sole custody.

The thing is that I found this out when we went to a facilitator to see about making an agreement.

If I don't want sole custody we can file a custody stipulation that would override the custody orders of the divorce. And then I could file the default judgement and execute the divorce.

The thing that I have to consider is that my son wants to live with mom, and that I don't think she is doing drugs right now. I think she might have just gotten in with a bad croud when we were seperated before. It's kind of hard to tell because she isn't honest about what is going on with her, and she's very sneaky about that kind of thing. On the one hand, I don't want to make my son unhappy by taking him away from his mom, but on the other hand I don't want to blow the one chance that I have to save him from a person who may very well return to her destrutive behaviour.

Here are my options.

1) File for default judgement and take sole custody of my son.

2) Go with the custody agreement as agreed on.

3) Demand more custody for myself, like 6 months with her and 6 months with me.

4) Do nothing for right now and see how things go and decide about the custody in a few months.

[Saras]

Yea, what Sikander said

[Spiffor]

Originally posted by Sikander
Still don't have a lawyer, and now you're happy to let your meth addicted wife have primary custody? Something isn't adding up.

From what I understand, her wife has been trying to stop meth, with some success.

[Kidlicious]

She doesn't act like she's been doing meth. She just acts like her regular crazy self. But she never even admits to being hooked on meth even though I know she was, so she doesn't say she is trying to stop using.

[:) Smiley]

If #1 has full chance of success, go for it.

[Mrs. Tuberski]

If it were me go for the full custody and allow the kid to stay with mom when he wants to, that gives you all the power and shows that you want the kid to be with his mother as long as she is sober. But if she messes up you can take him out of the enviorment.

[Mr. Harley]

Kidicious - go for the default judgement. THEN, if she continues on good behavior, let him stay with her alot of the time.

However, be careful. Very often the better parent is not the more "fun" parent. Setting firm limits with consequences, putting the child to bed on time, making time to read books instead of stare at TV, etc. are often less "fun" but much more important.

You can always give her full custody once she proves she can stay clean. Being clean does not equal staying clean. I'm just reading between the lines, but it sounds like she has major problems with impulse control. That means that circumstances, surroundings, social group, and support play a major role in how her life unfolds. She is NOT self-directing.

I don't like talking about "keeping control", etc. Because of my childhood, I find it anathema. However, in your case you have no choice. Do not let societal expectations - he really likes to be with his mom, you are just his father, etc. determine your actions. Take advantage of the counseling services at your college, and have professionals help you.

Remember, though, just like in any field, being in mental health does not mean the counselor has an ounce of common sense, or can get past societal expectations him/herself. Having availed myself to counseling, at most a third are good, maybe about the same adequate, and about a third can make things worse due to incompetence - inabilty to listen - prejudices, etc. You must, for the best interest of your child, evaluate the provider at the first visit and decide if they are a good fit. Be brutally self-honest, just because they say what you want to hear can actually indicate they are not competent, it depends on the situation.

The best of luck, and God bless. Do not let your impulse rule what you do, keep your cool, go with the lawyer, and get custody. That may be the shock that it takes your wife to permanently clean up her life. Once you get custody, take advantage of counseling and try to get some joint for the two of you as a couple, or the three of you as a family.

Sometimes, once people get past the drugs, bad social circle, et al they really can clean up their life. Do not expect to get back together with her, even if you emotionally want to. You will have to evaluate who she is at the moment and where she is going, not who she was - where she might go. Mrs. Tuberski may be able to share some insights.

As a heads up, and I had to do this at age 29. Evaluate why you got together with her. You obviously made a mistake. Why? Do you like party girls, woman who initiate having sex, women who are hot, etc. Before I asked my wife to get married, I carefully watched her interaction with children mutliple times. This time I was going to make sure that the lady I got together with loved kids like I did. She's been a very good mommy for our little girl.