A Gimp horror story for Halloween

[SnowFire]

Never one to pass up an opportunity, Rah raised a flirty eyebrow and passed comment. "I'm glad to see that my ankles are so appealing. However, you'll find I taste even better further up....."

The madwoman look up and grinned at him. "Really? ****! Thanks for letting me know, Mister.". Then she sank her teeth firmly into his shin. Rah howled in agony and, after a brief struggle, managed to beat her off with his tennis racquet. She wriggled away under her bed and leered at him. "Know what's wrong with your game, Mister? You've got no balls."

You know, I'm fairly certain that lines like that are illegal in some countries... God Bless America for the right to write lowbrow double entendres of this scale. Good thing we broke away from those silly Brits.

[Provost Harrison]

Yes, of course, Laz will end up in jail for saying that over here

[H Tower]

Originally posted by SnowFire
Good thing we broke away from those silly Brits.

thats a stupid thing to say since Laz IS a Brit. Go troll somewhere else

keep it up Laz!

[SnowFire]

No, you've got it all wrong, H Tower. I'm lacking in wit, not in brains. Our friend Trappist is British as the day is long, and he often raises his cup of hot cocoa in teary admiration of the Queen, longing for the great old Empire days of yore. Quite obvious from most of his writings, ya know.

[Caligastia]

Originally posted by SnowFire
No, you've got it all wrong, H Tower. I'm lacking in wit, not in brains. Our friend Trappist is British as the day is long, and he often raises his cup of hot cocoa in teary admiration of the Queen, longing for the great old Empire days of yore. Quite obvious from most of his writings, ya know.

[H Tower]

Originally posted by SnowFire
No, you've got it all wrong, H Tower. I'm lacking in wit, not in brains. Our friend Trappist is British as the day is long, and he often raises his cup of hot cocoa in teary admiration of the Queen, longing for the great old Empire days of yore. Quite obvious from most of his writings, ya know.

what's your point? that has nothing to do with the free speech you proclaim in america vs. lack of free speech in england.

[Provost Harrison]

Believe me SF, that isn't his 'official line'

[Bugs ****ing Bunny]

Part 4

Though the concussed Rah's vision was blurred, as the knife-wielding lunatic bent towards him he still managed to view his life flashing before his eyes with perfect clarity. His first day at boarding school, his first energetic beating by a schoolmaster of dubious sexuality, his pet ferrets, the wonderful day when he successfully caught his groom in a home-made mantrap, his first kiss, his first slap (received seconds after the first kiss) and that strange day he experienced after Tibbsy "Frogger" Dingleberry-Firth spiked his pomade with a mescalin derivative. All this was reflected in the twelve inches of Sheffield steel descending towards his torso.

In a blur of motion, and with an ear-splitting "IAIIIIIHH!!!!" the young female inmate became airborne. With a speed that was barely human, her leg kicked out, her booted foot aimed squarely at Buffy's groin.

When it was a fraction of an inch from Siddiqui's love spuds, time suddenly stopped and caught all three in an elegant freeze-frame tableau. Then the point of view shifted right around the action, giving a smooth 360-degree sweep around the airborne nutter in mid-kick. This is the bit that will nail the Special Effects Oscar once I've shifted the film rights to this sucker.

Time restarted. The boot connected with a sickening thud, and the unfortunate Siddiqui was lifted bodily off the ground by the impact. He slammed into the wall, and fell to the ground, out cold. With no small sense of horror, Rah noted that Buffy now appeared to have three Adam's Apples. Shaking the stunned fugue from his head he staggered upright and stared at the woman, who was now lighting a *** and smugly inspecting her fingernails.

"Who the bloody hell are you?" he managed.

"Name's classified, I'm afraid. Defence of the realm, and all that. Codename's "Devilmunchkin", if that's any help."

"Not really. I take it you're not a patient here?"

She grinned. "You're a quick one. I've been undercover- been watching old Squeakers for weeks to find out what happened."

"Sorry" said Rah, rubbing his bruised bits. "I suppose that in saving my life you've blown your cover. All that hard work wasted...."

"Not really" she replied. "He got chatty and told me everything this morning. I think he was trying to impress my knickers off. Detailed maps and everything."

"Good God. That was a stroke of luck, wasn't it?"

"It certainly was" she said. "If he hadn't told me everything I needed, I'd have let him kill you.". She ripped off her tattered and stinking rags to reveal an eye-popping patent leather catsuit beneath. "Shall we go?".

*************************************

[Provost Harrison]

Ooooh, the tension mounts

[devilmunchkin]

[Bugs ****ing Bunny]

So do I post another episode tonight, or let you peasants sweat it out until tomorrow?

[DinoDoc]

Depends on how sadistic you are.

[Hueij]

Originally posted by Lazarus and the Gimp
So do I post another episode tonight, or let you peasants sweat it out until tomorrow?

Hey! It's still early in the evening, I'm free tomorrow and for our Ameriko friends it's still in the afternoon. So there...

[Bugs ****ing Bunny]

Aw, bless. Someone's just given this thread a "one star" review.

[Bugs ****ing Bunny]

Part 5.

Dawn. The sleeping world of daytime awakens, whilst the nocturnal night-shift yawns and potters off to bed. Among night-time's most fascinating fauna is the common hedgehog, one example of which was patrolling the border roads. A voracious hunter of invertebrate life, it prowls the hedgerows in search of tasty worms and beetles. One commonly-noted phenomenon of the hedgehog's anatomy is that the skin of it's back is so tough that if the hedgehog is subjected to a crushing downward force, it's digestive tract is fired out of either its mouth or its anus like toothpaste from a tube. This was demonstrated in a spectular manner as the unfortunate creature went under the Bentley's wheels.

"What do you know about the Transcendental Order of the Immortal Wombat?" asked agent Devilmunchkin.

"They're believed to be the semi-public wing of an Illuminati off-shoot. Styling themselves on the Freemasons, they recruit suitable members of the public and, through a series of ceremonial indoctrinations noted for their brain-washing nature, the initiate is slowly dragged into their web of evil. Over the last 20 years they have fought a bitter turf war with the Scorpion Tong for global control of the white slave trade. Their favourite means of assassination is a curare enema and they're scared of acorns."

The agent shot Rah a pointed look. "You're bull****ting, aren't you?"

"Yes. Sorry. I assumed everyone knew and I didn't want to look thick."

She sighed and passed Bulldog a leather-bound book. Since she carried no baggage and wore a skin-tight catsuit, this simple act would cause Rah sleepless nights for years to come as he would ponder where it had come from. "Read this. It should provide a few pointers."

"What's the point?" asked Rah. "Look, I'm sure this might all be very exciting to you, but I'm only here to find out what's going on in the Offe-Topyc, and if you already know the answer then let's stop arsing about and go for a kebab instead."

"Well, firstly those deranged Wombatters are clearly planning something. They're well-versed in the Black Arts and we think they're fooling about with the Gayliberal Codex."

"What the hell's that?" asked Rah.

"An ancient curse. If unleashed, it creates the delusion that an ideal society must consist of ordered care for every individual within it, and that the role of government is to drive and control such an ideal through state-controlled welfare measures funded by taxation. Are you all right?"

Bulldog was retching violently. "The sick bastards!" he gasped.

"They also want the right for men to be able to lawfully do things to each other's bottoms too."

Rah pondered. "Well I suppose there's no harm in that sort of thing provide all participants belong to the same Rugby Club" he conceded. "You should have seen what we got up to at the annual Old Harrovians First XV bash last Michaelmas. "Bunty" Harrison was crapping billiard balls for days after."

"Yeeeeeeesssssss....... There is one other thing you may be interested in. It's not just the Wombat cultists who are in there. If Buffy's information is correct, you may find yourself face-to-face with your old Nemesis."

"Great Scott!" barked Rah. "Surely you can't mean....."

"Yes!" replied Devilmunchkin, acutely aware that the conversation was lapsing into parody.

"Ernst Stefu Blofeld!"

***********************