A Gimp horror story for Halloween

[Imran Siddiqui]

Oooh, final episode tomorrow.

Remember... in song .

[DinoDoc]

Which song?

[Provost Harrison]

Isn't it getting tense

[Imran Siddiqui]

Originally posted by DinoDoc
Which song?

The extravaganza to end the story with .

[DinoDoc]

Will you dance with devilmunchkin?

[Imran Siddiqui]

I hope so

[Bugs ****ing Bunny]

One day early......

Part 10

It had been ten years earlier that Rah's brother, codenamed "Ming" ("Bob" to his friends) had brought back that strange amulet. Whilst he'd fought the Black Dragon Tong, he had swiped the twisted piece of black glass from their secret altar. The Tong had claimed that the amulet contained the concentrated essence of chaos, but to Ming it had simply been a makeshift (and typically late) birthday present for his brother. At the time Rah had been pissed off that it hadn't been the set of golf clubs he'd asked for, but he'd worn it anyway. Sometimes he'd played with it at night, wondering what would happen if he broke it open and released the smokey vapours just visible inside.

Now, as the colossal cthonic monster loomed over him, his hand found the amulet once more. There was a brief battle of conscience, depicted by the comic little angel and devil sat on opposing shoulders. However within seconds the little devil had the angel firmly by the balls and was beating it's head repeatedly against the wall. Bulldog attempted to come up with a suitably pithy and enigmatic set of last words, but was forced to settle for "Oh sod it. Come and have some then, you slag!". Then snapped open the amulet.

The faint wisp of smokey vapours sank down to the floor and disappeared between the crack in the stone. The dreadful chanting started to falter, and the distracted Mr Fun glanced around. Then a distant vibration started from far underground.

Mr Fun had come from the far deep, but some things are hidden far deeper. Some things are just too terrible to see the light of day, but they can still be brought forth. The vibration became a drumming, and the drumming became an avalanche of noise as the sound of millions upon millions of running footsteps surged upwards. Then the voices began...

"Hä Hä, we äre cömiiiiing to get yöu siiiiiiiilly peöple! We cömiiiiiiiiiiing!!!"

.....and the floor shattered and exploded upwards as the invaders swarmed out.

A blur of motion flashed by. It was Blofeld and he was running like a cat pursued by a rabid Rottweiler sporting a strap-on. "You bastard, Bulldog!" he yelled.

"What did I do?" asked Rah.

"The Finns! The Finns are coming!"

Then Rah's vision was cut off by the millions of rally drivers, lantern-jawed central defenders with stupid hair, and Linux geeks in crap shirts that were pouring through the great chasm. They swarmed all over Mr Fun who roared and flailed impotently before getting severely trampled underfoot and disappearing from sight. The Wombatters ran like hell in the face of a marauding horde of Laplanders wielding large axes. Rah was torn from the altar and found himself face-to-face with the manically grinning spiritual godking and messiah of the Finnish people.....

"is gööd, yes? is öffe-töpyc öttök höme? ok?"

......then, in accordance with yet another rule of bad fiction knocked out by the overworked for the benefit of the undermanding, the walls closed in and Rah blacked out. Like a girl.

************************************

The sky above was clear and bright. In fact, it was the sort of view not normally associated with the area around the Offe-Topyc. Rah pondered this view, then ran his post-regaining consciousness personal audit.

PHYSICAL
1- Absence of any immediate life-threatening situations (attack by bears, etc...)?- Check.
2- All relevant limbs and organs still in place?- Check.
3- Am I sharing a bed with anything particularly embarrassing that I may have to sneak away from to avoid having to make conversation with?- Nope.

MENTAL
1- Major neurological functions in place?- Check.
2- Absence of strange alien brain-leeches controlling my every thought?- Check.
3- Sensation of brief mortality and impending doom?- Check.
4- Mild and inexplicable fetish concerning cowboys in lederhosen?- Check.

Then he sat upright. The Offe-Topyc was still there, but it somehow looked less elementally weird than before. Agent Devilmunchkin was sat nearby, eating a pie.

"Ah. Welcome back, Rip Van Winkle"

Bulldog Rah stared around him in panic. "The Finns! What have I done!?"

"Yes, that was a bit weird. That ottok character popped out about half an hour ago. As far as I can make out, he was saying that they've decided to put their inevitable global domination and universal empire of evil on hold temporarily, because they've discovered the Offe-Topyc and none of them want to leave it. They've spent the rest of the day having some massive argument that would be meaningless to anyone without a Finnish translator and a gynaecology textbook."

Rah thought hard for a suitably heroic course of action. Then he gave up. "Fancy a pint?" he asked.

"Thought you'd never ask."

************************************

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

Markos Gianonandonandonandonandon- abandoned his secret plans of Offe-Topyc domination and instead attempted to corner the world market in novelty steins. He married a Cypriot model and built a huge message (visible from outer space) that read "The Elgin Marbles are a load of old crap anyway".

Dr Strangelove- invented a revolutionary new cure for insomnia involving the ingestion of vast quantities of industrial wastes from the petrochimical industries and moved to Florida to spend more time with his money.

Old Scrotum- is believed to be just hanging around.

The 14th Earl of DinoDoc's gout became so severe that his foot swelled to mountainous proportions and caused climatic changes in Apolytonian weather. He now arranges skiing holidays on his own instep.

Buffy Siddiqui- entered himself for the Turner Prize and won. He will soon be launching a new range of wallpapers featuring his own bodily emissions.

Agent Devilmunchkin- made a rudimentary time machine and was last seen heading off to a grassy knoll in Dallas bearing a rocket-launcher and a determined expression.

Boris the Gatekeeper- made a huge collection of life-sized effigies of street beggars out of wax, putty and coat-hangers and placed one on every street corner in western Europe. He is now attempting to bring them to life in order to create an army to fight the middle classes.

Mr Fun- went back into the Stygian depths and took up pottery. He later published his memoirs in a limited edition bound in genuine byakhee-skin.

Ernst Stefu Blofeld- became too evil to be a criminal mastermind, and was forced to become a bus driver instead.

"Bulldog" Rah- is currently caught in a nasty sand-trap on the 17th at Gleneagles.

"The Gimp"- is knackered and storied out, and is going to take another extended break. Happy Halloween, my bunnies.

[rah]

Bravo, Bravo.


RAH
Still in that damn sandtrap. Look, it's starting to snow.

[Boris Godunov]

I feel I didn't get half of the inside jokes, but nonetheless...bravo.

[rah]

Just when I thought you might be running low on ideas,
out comes öttök. Classic.

and
"4- Mild and inexplicable fetish concerning cowboys in lederhosen?- Check."

RAH

[Immortal Wombat]

1- Absence of any immediate life-threatening situations (attack by bears, etc...)?- Check.
2- All relevant limbs and organs still in place?- Check.
3- Am I sharing a bed with anything particularly embarrassing that I may have to sneak away from to avoid having to make conversation with?- Nope.

I'm almost certain that's not a direct quote from somewhere else...

[rah]

It does sound like it could have come from my college days.

1 and 2 could be directly related to #3.

RAH

[DinoDoc]

The 14th Earl of DinoDoc's gout became so severe that his foot swelled to mountainous proportions and caused climatic changes in Apolytonian weather. He now arranges skiing holidays on his own instep.

I love it!

[devilmunchkin]

THAT WAS AWESOME LAZ!!!! you rule

[DinoDoc]

This deserves to be on the first page for Halloween.