"I don't know if I'm in love with you any more..."

[Agathon]

Hope it works itself out soon. You seem like a pretty decent and even tempered guy to me and you don't deserve this. Having said that, such people are better placed than most to deal with such things.

You are better off either way, it's the waiting and uncertainty about a decision that is the worst rather than what actually happens - insecurity is the #1 happiness killer IMHO.

If you do decide to split then it's reasonable to think that it wouldn't have worked; on the other hand, if she stays and goes through with it, that more likely says that there is a stable future to the relationship.

Meanwhile, it is hard not to (human nature), but try not to worry about things that you have little power over. This should be a general rule for everyone to live by, even though we can't live up to it all the time.

That's what I did when my Dad was dying and other members of the family were worrying and trying to second guess everything - in the end it is wasted energy for the most part.

And PA - you, sir are a ****ing ******* for saying that.

[Skanky Burns]

****.
Know how it feels.

[Kuciwalker]

Originally posted by Guynemer
Four years.

...

man, that sucks serious @zz

[Sikander]

Originally posted by dv8ed
Coming from the other side of it--most people, when really depressed, will start to feel this way even if they truly love the person they are with. There's often also a tendency to push the people who care about them away; if they no longer care about themselves, then being around people who do care about them hurts. It may well be linked to that, and have little to do with you. Was the idea of counseling for the two of you, or her alone?

Firstly, I'm truly sorry Guy.

Secondly, my first impulse was to think along the same lines as dv8ed. I'm familiar with it because I myself have pushed people away because my own depression was so overwhelming, including a girl who I had been wooing for over a year and had just started dating. I was just so depressed that I couldn't see myself pulling it off, despite every objective indicator telling me that she was finally mine. I hurt her, and eleven years after the fact still kick myself for throwing away that relationship I worked so hard to have in the first place.

I'm now trying to think what (if anything) would have allowed me to hang in. I suppose if Gabrielle (the aformentioned hotty) had somehow shown me that there was no way I could sink low enough for her to not want to be with me I might have relented. My fear was of dissappointing her, of having someone who I thought so highly of seeing me at my lowest. Perhaps your fiancee is also concerned that she will disappoint you. Being a doctor's wife (and moreso a resident's wife) is tough and challenging, especially in addition to starting another job and moving etc. A lot of stressors at once can push someone into a semi-suicide like this.

Do the counseling and see if she is serious about trying to work it out, or seems to have her mind made up and is going through the motions. Get the best counselor you can find and listen to their impressions. Good luck with this, and I hope it works out, as you seem to genuinely care for her.

[Bosh]

Well just an upcoming wedding is enough to drive people nuts without all the other stuff on your plate its basically your last chance to second-guess so a lot of second-guessing naturally happens. A friend of mine fought all the time with his fiance right before the marriage and after that (and a very nice honeymoon) they were fine. What with the move and family problems on top of that I can see that sort of thing happening even if there isn't a long-term problem with the relationship. Just stick in there and weather it the best you can I guess.

[Drake Tungsten]

Sorry to hear this, Guy. I have a feeling that things will turn out all right; I hope I'm correct. Best of luck.

[asleepathewheel]

good luck.

hang in there, guy.

[Ogie Oglethorpe]

Depression is terrible.

I hope for her sake she finds a way out of the psychological hole.

For your sake, keep in mind the counselor's advice for you as a couple but also for you to cope as well. It's tough when you love someone and something like this comes up. You may want to think about your own private counseling to cope with the situation as well.

Best of luck.

[mrmitchell]

Try all you can to help her, and your relationship...

Best of luck to you.

[FrustratedPoet]

Good luck.

Whatever happens in the end, I hope it works out for the best for both of you.

[devilmunchkin]

go to the couselor..
though..and i say this from experience...i wonder if someday this extreme hurt will cause your own feelings to fade. it did with me..my first "love"..we were pretty much engaged...then he pulled the carpet from under me.. and i was devastated. eventually, he came back and i tried it again with him..but things weren't the same. eventually everything for him died in me and it did all start with that one big bang.
i hope that doesn't happen to you (although i am glad it happened to me) if you love her as much as i think you do.
all i can say is go to the couselor..be sure to get your own feelings off your chest....hang in there..take one day at a time.

[Solly]

"And PA - you, sir are a ****ing ******* for saying that."

Someone had to say it and be realistic.

[East Street Trader]

It is a hard thing to hear. You have my sympathy.

Maybe the counselling will help. And maybe putting the plans for a wedding on hold will take some of the stress out of the situation.

For what little it is worth my experience of women is that if you are now active and enthusiastic about the things that need to be done to achieve your move that will put you into the best possible light with her. Immediately after my wife told me that she did not wish to live with me any more I went through a period where I was very active in sorting out all the things that needed to be done to disentangle our affairs and for her to set up a new home. And that led to us having what can best be described as an affaire which lasted for about two to three years while we were arranging the separation and immediately afterwards.

Maybe she felt better after making her decision and acting on it but I rather think she was just reminded about what she had seen in me in the first place.

Anyway it certainly made me feel a bit better about things.

Maybe the best thing to do about your move is to invite her participation (in home hunting and so on) and to say that if she finishes up deciding you are not such a bad guy and coming too all well and good but if not, well you will at least be miserable in a bit more comfort after you move thanks to her help.

I'm not sure if it assists to say it but your lady is far from alone in acting as she is. When long lasting relationships are brought to an end it is virtually always the woman who makes the decision to end it. I don't know what is lacking for them and they do not know that themselves. But it seems something often is.

Perhaps it is nothing more than that a a man likes comfortable and familiar clothes which he has worn many times whereas a woman likes clothes which are unfamiliar and new.

It is certainly not rooted solely (or even very much, I think) in the behaviour of men. You do see women splitting up with men who treat them badly but you also see women sticking by such guys. While there are plenty of cases where a woman kicks a partner into touch when the guy has done nothing other than try to be loving and considerate.

Looking back on my own marriage I have concluded that I did not initiate new things enough - I did not surprise her. So I should have done more to spice up our social life, inviting new people round and fixing up outings and so on. But whether that would have been enough for her not to have got fed up with our life together I don't really know.

Good luck, anyway. It is a man's part to woo a fair lady. And, happily, their hearts often soften towards us. So stay cheerful and maybe take my tip - look for a chance or two to surprise her.

[DanielXY]

Some Reasons why she could have sayed something like this:
- You pushed for marriage but she doesnt want to get married -> dont marry
- She feels you are not bringing enough in the relationship and subtle blackmails you to be more nice and stuff -> move on and dont call her again
- She wants to leave the relationship but be nice about it (oh you are such a nice guy, but my feelings for you have changed ... yadda ... lets be friends yadda yadda) -> move on and dont call her again

[Urban Ranger]

As it was said, she was honest with you. Not a luxury Skanky and I had. However it will turn out, best of luck to you.

Also, what Verres said.