Bad Days for My Family's Health

[Ben Kenobi]

Japher:

Trust me on this one. For the sake of your sister, she should not have an abortion.

There are a whole slew of health complications for the woman. She will increase her risk of breast cancer by at least 30% assuming that she has no other risk factors, such as other family members who have had breast cancer. The abortion could also damage her fertility if something goes wrong.

How hideous would it be that in trying to prevent suffering, you cause her a great deal more?

She is not required to have an abortion, for any reason. Thay just say that because they want you to make the quick and fast decision.

First off, tell your sister to wait at least a week or two before making the decision. Something like this needs time.

The doc told her the kid might live to be a year old, but would never leave the hospital... gaurenteed.

IMO, the abortion is required to prevent the suffering.

A year, eh? Some women never get that long with their children. All life is suffering Japher, even if the child were healthy. None of us have any guarantees whether we will even be here tomorrow.

[East Street Trader]

Having you and the rest of her family there for her is a very good thing for both your grandmother and your sister at such times.

What you get to strive to do is to give as much sympathy and love as you can without intruding.

By which I mean that you try not to let your own worry and stress add to their problems.

Decisions on matters like these are intensely personal. The best thing for a close family member to do is to listen a lot but to offer few, if any, opinions. If pressed it is OK just to say what you think is best done but baldly - not supported by argument.

There is an exception. The relationship between husband and wife is one in which each relies deeply on the opinion of the other. In a sense you are one person. So even the strongest minded spouse will, in extremis, look to the other for guidance.

But not so a sister or a gran.

So if you find yourself driven to have a view about how it would be best for your sister or gran to act don't advocate those views.

Which does not mean you cannot simply express your own emotions.

It sounds as though you are reconciled to your grandmother's decision. But if that is not true and you need her to stick around for your sake it is perfectly OK to ask her to hang on to life a bit longer as you need her. That is not intrusive. It is just doing what a grandson does.

I find it hard to imagine that you have any similar enmotional interest of your own to express about your sister's pregnancy. Views on abortion tend to have a strongly emotional basis but it is abundantly clear from your posts that the emotion you feel is simple love and concern for your sister.

And that is expressed by sympathy and listening; being there for her as the expression goes.

[Adalbertus]

Japher,

My thoughts are with your family and you.
Old people tend to die and what I often found very comforting is that given a certain age, they have had their fill of life and they can part in peace - My own late grandmom once told me that after the death of her husband she felt her life somehow finished and complete. And she was in good health and not sick of her life.

The problems in your sister's pregnancy are far worse.
I don't know if you can do much more than giving your sympathy and understanding. It is important that your sister (and you) don't develop a feeling guilt for something which is basically beyond your power. And the small secondary problems which might come from stress - they are small secondary problems.

But in case too stron tensions arise between your sister and her husband try to suggest professional help. From what you wrote here, I think they need each other.

Good luck to all of you.

[SpencerH]

Originally posted by Ben Kenobi
Japher:

Trust me on this one. For the sake of your sister, she should not have an abortion................

I dont think it's possible to express my disgust with these comments so I wont try.

[Solver]

Japher,

I'm sorry for your sister .

The decision is quite terrible, but I think that an abortion is in place. Save the suffering for the poor kid - not only he won't live for more than a year, he will actually spend his short life in suffering.

[Boris Godunov]

Sorry to hear. Hope things work out for the best in both situations.

My father's sister died last weekend, actually, so I can understand the sentiments.

[Japher]

The child is being aborted...

I am pro-choice, and even if this child had downs I would be against the big A... but, the situation here would cause more harm than good if she attempted to take it to term and I think this is the right decission.

Boris, sorry to hear about yer aunt...




I have been forced to rethink an item I try to avoid; abortion... Yet, my wife and I are beginning to think of having children and we need to think about this issue as well.

Thanks for the support.

[Boris Godunov]

She made the right choice, absolutely. Very unfortunate situation, though. I'm sorry.

I never met my dad's sister--she was rather severely mentally retarded herself, and spent most of her life in an institution in Ohio. She was not expected to live past 20, given a heart defect she had. She died at 57.

My dad couldn't go to the services, and his parents wouldn't go (I've yet to get an explanation for this), and I think he's feeling some residual guilt, since he hadn't seen her in well over 10 years and had just been toying with the idea of visiting her again when he got the news. She wouldn't have recognized him, though. She couldn't distinguish between her father, who died in 1954, and the man my grandmother married a year after that.

[JohnT]

Japher, I'm so sorry.

[MrFun]

Re: Bad Days for My Family's Health

Originally posted by Japher
On Friday my Lil' Sis found out that her unborn child is not developing properly. It's intestines, and probably other stuff, are developing outside of the child. She goes to see a specialist today.

Also on Friday my Grandma learned that she has Bone Cancer, the same thing that took her late husband not too long ago. She goes to see an oncologist this week.

The cancer sucks, but since my Grandpa died my Grandma has been just buying time waiting to die as well. Ironic that she'll die of the same thing he did... Oh, she has decided to forgo treatment if they offer to her. Basically, she is ready to die and has been since my grandpa died. It's a long story, but he was her reason for living.

The one that really irks me is my lil' sis. She has a history of mental problems stemming from her lack of ability to deal with stress and heartache. She's been on every anti-depressant medication ever mentioned on these boards. She got off of them about 1 year ago when she got married. She is a very clingy person needing to give love (not sex)at all times. Losing a child will definitly affect her in a negative way, more so than it would most people.

Basically, I just wanted to share my angst, as it helps to talk about it to ppl who are more rational than my parents. Yet, I was also wondering what you'd all would do if you were in my sisters situation. Would you consider abortion? She's just over 4 mos along.

Personally, I want to here what the specialist says. Yet, I don't think prognosis will be good, and I also think that an abortion would be worse for her than a still birth or even death in the NICU.

What would you do?

All I can say at this point is that you have my sympathies.

[Ben Kenobi]

I dont think it's possible to express my disgust with these comments so I wont try.

Every one is true. Every single one. IN fact I could say much more on this subject.

Japher:

You said your sister is emotionally fragile. How then would losing a child be less harmful to her?

[Boris Godunov]

BK, I've normally felt you were a pretty decent fellow, if misguided, but if you dare turn this into an abortion debate, I'll have to concede you're a right insensitive bastard.

This isn't about abortion, it's about some very unfortunate events in Japher's family. Back off and save your religious agenda for someplace else.

[Guynemer]

Originally posted by Ben Kenobi
Japher:

Trust me on this one. For the sake of your sister, she should not have an abortion.

There are a whole slew of health complications for the woman. She will increase her risk of breast cancer by at least 30% assuming that she has no other risk factors, such as other family members who have had breast cancer. The abortion could also damage her fertility if something goes wrong.

How hideous would it be that in trying to prevent suffering, you cause her a great deal more?

She is not required to have an abortion, for any reason. Thay just say that because they want you to make the quick and fast decision.

First off, tell your sister to wait at least a week or two before making the decision. Something like this needs time.





A year, eh? Some women never get that long with their children. All life is suffering Japher, even if the child were healthy. None of us have any guarantees whether we will even be here tomorrow.

That is absolutely disgusting, Ben.

Have you ever been inside a NICU? Have you seen children born with their organs on the outside of their bodies? Have you ever seen a child with Trisomy 18?

Not to mention the fact that your breast cancer statistic is complete and utter bull****.

But worst of all, you drag your politics into Japher's suffering. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.



I am truly, truly sorry for your pain, Japher.

[Drake Tungsten]

But worst of all, you drag your politics into Japher's suffering. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Oh God, he wasn't even the first one to do it in this thread...

[Tingkai]

Sorry to hear about all the troubles. It's bad enough when illnesses strike, but then to have to make a decision like your grandmother and sister did, that's brutal.

How are you handling eveything?