Either Church or No Marriage!

[Nubclear]

I dunno. I just don't think this "marriage" would ever work out.

[Japher]

The thing is, I am happy with what she does, she is just not happy with what I do

That is a problem, and a matter of respect. She wants you to repect her faith by not respecting yours... Very bad for a successful marriage. You gotta watch out for them asian women... All fun and games until the get their claws in ya.

[FrostyBoy]

I'm willing to take the challenge

[chequita guevara]

Just boink her 'till she can't think straight so she knows what she'll be missing if she screws this up.

[Tiamat]

As one who is going through the "growing pains" of first year marriage....I can tell you this is going to be a problem for you and I would have to agree with JohnT. You need to have something in place stating that she can't take you to the cleaners over religious differences.

Trust me it is hard enough adjusting to living and being married to someone let alone trying to have to deal with your already diverse cultural issues and add religion on top of that......well it's just a bit scary I realize you think that since you've been together for 3 years that this will work itself out, but my husband and I were together off and on for 13 years and lived together and knew and know each other quite well.....but we still have issues and things that we have to deal with and work on. Luckily for us nothing as big as religion. That's a HUGE stumbling block to overcome.

You really need to come to some type of agreement or compromise before you get married......not just stop arguing about it. As you said by her own admission this is something that's been bothering her for 3 years but she just hasn't said anything about it. Believe you me as a woman I'm telling you this argument will rear it's ugly head when you least expect it. We tend to stew on things and let them fester and grow and then finally say something and when we do it's like Mt. Saint Helens blowing up and it will be the down fall of the marriage.

As well as if she is harboring this against you and doesn't speak of it how long do you think she will allow her resentment to grow and then she will take it out on you or what's worse on your children. Daddy doesn't want to go to church with us, he's a heathen and he's going to hell. How do you think that's going to effect your kids to know that they and mommy are ok, but daddy is going to burn in hell for all eternity.

There ya' go! That should really fuc* your kids up but good.

[germanos]

Don't marry her.

Unless she decides a secular marriage and your love is enough for her.

[Pekka]

Agreed. This thing will be argued forever, and you'll be a target of continuous converting and 'why don't you' etc forever and difference between you, if you don't work it out. BUT I believe it can be worked out, after all you want to marry, so obviously it's not impossible.
And besides, after arguments, you get to have hot after-arguing-about-religion-sex. THat's the hottest form of sex. And you know there's a positive side to this. If you submit and agree with her and do what she wants though it takes your time and patiense, you can have counter demands, like 3somes and wild things!

[MichaeltheGreat]

Originally posted by JohnT
Dump it on her. Tell you how you feel, and that's that. If she decides to leave you for her church, thank God (no joke intended) that she can't claim alimony/half your assets... cause this issue is NOT going to go away, not if she remains as devout as you claim she is.

Yeah, it's hard. But better hard now than impossible-to-get-out-of later.

Exactly. If this is as key of an issue to her as it likely is, then it's not going away, ever, and there's not a lot of room for compromise, unless you're willing to meet her 95%.

It's not a "because she's a woman" thing, it's a core value thing - there are some things on which people just won't (and shouldn't, to be true to themselves) compromise on.

[:) Smiley]

Would you say over the 3 years she has gotten more or less religious? If less, keep waiting, if more, call it off.

[Barinthus]

I told her lastnight that I won't change who I am - I don't think that is the right thing to do in this situation.

I remember reading this somewhere, I thought it was a good tidbit. It went something like this... 'The way I figured it, his habits before we dated are his and I can't do anything about it. However, anything that comes up afterwards, I have all rights to try to change.'

In other words, apparently since you made it clear that you're not a church-going fellow to her few years ago, she can't pull this thing over you. Sitting around and hoping that you or anybody else would change is, well, silly.

Ah, whatever you both decide, good luck. For myself I know if I decide to give church a chance for the sake of the marriage, after a while I'd start to resent it. Once resentment sets in, kiss that marriage goodbye.

[DanS]

I think some here are too ready to flush this engagement. Y'all are addressing it now, so why not see where the discussion goes over the next couple of weeks?

I have several good friends who have been able to work out strongly-held religious differences in a marriage. It wasn't easy for them, for sure. Lots of communication and compromise from both sides. I also have good friends who flushed a relationship over religious differences and seem happy with having done so.

[Ben Kenobi]

snoopy:

The only part of church I like is when the pastor preaches, I like this because I like to learn.

So have you learned everything there is to know?

I'm very suspicious about the 10% tithings. I can't see why God would need money.

Rather than a lack in faith and trust in God, it's the opposite. What the pastor should be saying is that God loves a cheerful giver. You give not because you think it to be a burden, but as a way of giving thanks to God for the blessings you recieve. Everything, your life, your heath, your station, you owe to God and his blessings.

If you were truly faithful and trustful of God, you would give EVERYTHING you have away, just like Jesus said in the bible

The ten percent does not come from an arbitrary decision from the church auditors, but rather the bible.

Lev 27:32

"The entire tithe of the herd and flock--every tenth animal that passes under the shepherd's rod--will be holy to the LORD."

While we don't have most of our wealth in animals, the 10 percent has remained. No one says don't give more, but the 10 percent serves as a guideline. Rather, you should give what you feel comfortable, and not worry about how much other people are giving.

One thing I don't like about the preaching is that the pastors make out that they must be right because God is talking through them. I disagree with this.

Agreed. However, who's to say that you have interpreted the passage correctly? If you think something is not right, speak to the pastor and ask him why he said what he said. Now, any good pastor will show you why you ought to believe what he says, by citing scripture as evidence of his position rather than just saying, I am the pastor, you should believe.

Now, if you still don't agree with the pastor, talk to someone you trust and ask them what they thought about this passage. Chances are if the pastor is not doing his job, you will not be the only one with concerns.

"Don't go to Church in suits this Sunday, go in rags".

Well said.

DanS has said some of us have been to hasty. I guess I'm projecting some of my difficulties with my girlfriend, especially when it comes to differences in faith. If you feel she is worth the trouble, keep talking with her and see what comes. Don't bottle it all up, and throw it away because it is easier now. You need to sort out these issues, to whatever satisfaction you can derive.

If you cannot go to her church, see what you can do with another congregation. Find one that will satisfy both of you.

[East Street Trader]

You are getting muddled about the act of going to church and the separate matter of believing all those things which the members of that church believe.

This lass thinks she wants to marry someone with the same beliefs as she holds herself.

If you will forgive me, your posts read a bit young. If you and your girl friend are mid twenties or older then by all means keep trying to resolve this.

But if, as I suspect, one of you or both of you is a bit younger then there is no great need to be in a rush. Carry on with the relationship as it is for a while and see how things develop. The difference in religious zeal has not stopped you from developing the relationship this far and I doubt it will stop you developing it a bit further. And while that continues, some perspective may well develop on exactly how significant the disparity in religious conviction really is.

So just stop discussing this point for now and get on with having fun together.

If you do that but things stand much as they do now in a year's time then maybe it will then be time to confront this as a make or break thing.

But my guess is that the way the relationship develops more generally will, in practice, turn out to be what actually matters long before that length of time had passed.