Either Church or No Marriage!

[Dinner]

Ok, key points are: she's a Chinese Christian (Singaporean to be exact). I am finding them to be christians to the extreme - like, insane extreme.

The most fundimentalist religious people are always the converts.

Any way is this something that's been building for a while or did it come out of the blue. If it came out of the blue then she's likely miffed about something else and she's using this as an excuse. If you really don't care about going to church or not and you just don't like her church then tell her you'll gladely go to church with her but only if you both get to decide upon which church you will attend. That should sound like an attempt to compromise & with luck she'll back off.

[Theben]

Ok, key points are: she's a Chinese Christian (Singaporean to be exact). I am finding them to be christians to the extreme - like, insane extreme.

Unless you are also extreme, there will be numerous conflicts about it in the future. It does seem you two love each other, but unless you can reach a compromise that you can live with for the rest of your lives, you should break up.

[MRT144]

this is actually one of the reasons my parents got divorced

[orange]

don't change who you are. You shouldn't become something you're not just to appease her. She should love you for who you are or not at all. I'd put my foot down!

[Koyaanisqatsi]

My fiancee went to a restrictive church when we first met, too. We had a discussion about it before we started dating, though, and came to the conclusion that we could date even if I didn't go to her church, as long as I was a Christian (which I was, by my definition, if not by the definition of her church.) If she had said otherwise, though, I would not have even started dating her. Not so much because I didn't want to go to her church, although that would have been a deal-breaker as well, but because of the mindset it would have shown her to hold. If she had believed that her way was the only way it could possibly be, then odds are a relationship wouldn't be that great anyways. No room for compromise kind of kills the fun of being with somebody.

Her church wouldn't have let us get married unless I was a member of it or another similar Christian sect, too. She's since left it, though. Which is good, because, although I am a Christian, I object to churches in general, and particularly churches like hers.

(Oh, I have to add this link, too. I was looking for a link to her church, and apparently they've got a new Flash opening which is rather........ah.............impressive. Yeah. Impressive.

Calvary Chapel Bangor

As far as that church goes, all I can say is that any church founded in the 60's in California is a little suspect...)

[Japher]

Women marry men thinking they will change
Men marry women thining they never will

Marriage should not be about sacrifice, and that is what she is asking you (Sn00py) to do. Marriage is about compromise, something my wife needs to learn, and unfortunately there is no real compromise in matters of faith, especially when she is forcing hers upon you.

I agree with Theban; you should break up.

Yet, I only have no knowledge of your relationship, so I could be wrong. Still, if you are even asking this, then it is not ment to be.

[Dinner]

I knew a guy who went to Calvery Chapel when I was in high school. He was a nice enough fellow but rather on the fundimentalist side of the religious spectrum. The Calvery seems to be a bit cult like in the way it tries to monopolize it's member's time. I mean that guy I knew went to Church like four or five days per week with all of the yougth groups, bible studies, activity groups, and what not.

[Sava]

wow... I had a similar dilemna... there are a million other girls they aren't worth sacrificing your principles over.

I wouldn't even hesitate.

[Jon Miller]

Originally posted by Oerdin
I knew a guy who went to Calvery Chapel when I was in high school. He was a nice enough fellow but rather on the fundimentalist side of the religious spectrum. The Calvery seems to be a bit cult like in the way it tries to monopolize it's member's time. I mean that guy I knew went to Church like four or five days per week with all of the yougth groups, bible studies, activity groups, and what not.

if that is what he wanted to do socially, than that is fine

church has a lot of social components

Jon Miller

[Koyaanisqatsi]

Upon reflection, my fiancee finds it somewhat cult-ish too, but more because they try to control your mind and every waking thought than because of the multiple weekly meetings and such.

[Nubclear]

Either she accepts you for who you are, or she doesn't and you break up. And it looks to me like she's not quite doing the former

Also, remember kids: Prenup's are a must for any marriage.

[CerberusIV]

You are a man. You have to decide. Make your mind up and then give her the options based on your decision.

I know that sounds harsh but if you don't do it now you are the one who will spend the rest of your life compromising. Be selfish! It's your life so decide.

[FrostyBoy]

Well I bet we will be talking about this tonight for quite some time, so I will let ya's know how things end.

I REALLY hope that she humbles herself more from the church and finds peace in the rest of the world aswell, she is of course Singaporean and that is something they are not good at, but something they do look for. I don't seek to change her, but if she wants help, I want to help her.

[JimmyCracksCorn]

Is she right or am I right?

Women have long memories, and have the ability to make your life a living hell. With this in mind, provided you think she's worth it, just do what she says.

Edit: But of course you can work on "humbling her" from now on, but I would say for the time being just go along with it.

[Ben Kenobi]

Rough to have this come up AFTER the engagement.

I told her I am neutral about going to church. I told her that I don't mind church at all and I wouldn't mind it if I went there with her, but I am not actually wanting to go there for my own purposes.

The reason she's pushing this so hard is that she fears if you do not want to go to church that you will eventually come to resent going with her. Would you be willing to stand behind her your whole life?

I had to be in her church just to be allowed to marry her

It really does work best, to come from the same or similar backgrounds. Fewer arguments over which church to attend, and how you would raise kids.

I have gone to church for many months, but it is now starting to repeat itself, and I can see now what church really is. I don't see a NEED for it.

That's not a very good reason not to go. Church is not just about the lesson, but also about how to apply the lesson. It's also about the fellowship, as well as an opportunity to worship. You need all these parts in a church, which makes the purpose much different from a school. You should not just be going to recieve, in the form of lessons, but also to give back to the church.

It's like School, you can go there to learn Mathematics, but you don't NEED to, you could learn Mathematics elsewhere. I just don't see Church as being extremely important. But my Fiance does and she wants me to aswell.

So where else would you find a church-substitute? All by yourself? That's not going to work because it helps to have others for support and guidance.

I have to agree with her. She knows you do not like her church, so without a need in yourself, you will not likely keep going with her once you get married and busy.

I think it's best to call of the engagement, unless you can work out another churh that will be suitable to both of you.