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**Japher** · April 29, 2003, 18:40

"If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?"
George Deacon.

"I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album."
Rita Rudner.

"In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it."
Dave Thomas.

"When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, "There's just something about you that pisses me off."
Stephen King.

"Thank God I'm an atheist."
Luis Bunuel.

"Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind."
Albert Einstein

and one last one for Lawrence of Arabia

"When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself."
Peter O'Toole.

**monkspider** · April 29, 2003, 18:45

**SlowwHand** · April 29, 2003, 18:49

I swear to Drunk, I'm not God.

**Ben Kenobi** · April 29, 2003, 18:52

Believing doesn't mean you have to give up a sense of humor.

Very clever slowwy.

**SlowwHand** · April 29, 2003, 18:53

Thanks.

On the sixth day, God created the platypus.
And God said: let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.

**Gangerolf** · April 29, 2003, 18:56

"If Mohammed won't go to the mountain, then bring the mountain
to Mohammed"

ha-ha

**Plan Austral** · April 29, 2003, 19:03

Every time a jew farts, God and the angels dance.
Martin Luther.

**Ming** · April 29, 2003, 19:05

Re: Religious Quotes

Originally posted by SlowwHand
Jesus Saves... Passes to Moses. Shoots... He SCORES!

Here in Chicago... it was always:

Jesus Saves... and Bobby Hull scores on the rebound

**Inverse Icarus** · April 29, 2003, 19:09

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has
endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use
-Gallielo

not a joke, but i like it

**Kontiki** · April 29, 2003, 19:26

Alright, certainly not a quote, but a cute joke nonetheless:

Jesus, Moses and an old man are playing golf. Jesus tees off first and slices the ball onto the edge of water hazard. He calmly walks across the water, gets into a good position, and takes his next shot.

Moses tees off next. He too slices the ball, but it goes right into the water. He walks up to the edge, parts the water, and plays his next shot.

The old man tees off last, and he too slices his ball toward the water. However, just as it's about to land, a fish jumps out and swallows the ball. A bird then swoops down, catches the fish and flies over the green, where it drops the fish. The ball pops out and rolls right into the cup.

Jesus says: Dammit dad! Stop screwing around and play golf!

**Boris Godunov** · April 29, 2003, 20:51

Jesus returned home after a journey and was met by his friend Moishe, the cloakmaker. Moishe says, "Jesus, your robe is sure taking a beating. Let me make you a new one."

"That is very kind of you," Jesus replies.

Moishe makes a beautiful robe, and Jesus wears it the following week. By the end of the week his robe looks very ragged; Moishe again offers to make another one. But the next week, Jesus returned with his robe looking ragged once more. Moishe says, "Look, I don't mind making robes for you, but I would like for you to help me out. After all, we're both men of the cloth, so to speak."

"What do you have in mind?" asks Jesus.

"I'd like for you to promote my robes when you speak to these large multitudes," says Moishe. "That way I can cover my costs for these robes I'm making for you. We could even go into business together. How about 'Moishe and Jesus' for a business name?"

Jesus furrows his brow briefly and offers, "How about 'Jesus and Moishe?"

They discuss the merits and benefits each would bring to the business for several hours. For several hours, it goes back and forth: "Moiseh and Jesus, Jesus and Moishe, Moishe and Jesus..."

Finally, Moishe says: "I got it! How about 'Lord and Tailor'?"

**Boris Godunov** · April 29, 2003, 20:52

Jesus and Satan got into an argument over which of them was the better computer programmer. Finally God got tired of the bickering and told them that he would judge a contest between them. They each had four hours to write the best program they could, and then God would decide the winner.

Well, they both got right down to business, and wrote lines and lines and lines of code. But just before the four hours were up there was a flash of lightning and a tremendous clap of thunder. The lights flickered, the power faltered, and both computer screens went dead.

When power was restored, God declared that time was up and asked to see the results of their work. Jesus flipped on his computer and displayed the most elegant program you could imagine, with beautiful architecture and wonderful syllogisms, triumphs of multimedia sound and pictures -- all kinds of bells and whistles.

God asked Satan what he had created, but Satan said, "I've got nothing, absolutely nothing. My program was twice as good as that, but I lost it all when the power went out. Jesus must have cheated. How could he still have such a great program?"

God replied, "Everybody knows -- Jesus Saves."

**Uncle Sparky** · April 29, 2003, 22:01

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
Woody Allen

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
Woody Allen

This may be the most dangerous link ever posted here...

God Quotes - The Quotations Page

http://www.quotationspage.com/subjects/God/

**HolyWarrior** · April 30, 2003, 21:58

The Far Side had some of the best religious humor

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