Mikes story

[unscratchedfoot]

I figure Mike's letter is answered by Jess's parents who give him the sad news that she has joined the Russians and become the leader of a nasty KGB death squad. Jess enjoys her work very much. Mike is recruited by the Brits to go and put a stop to the butchery Jess and her henchmen deal out. In the end, Mike goes down in a hail of grapeshot and is reduced to a small pile of pulp.

I bet this will be the closest prediction yet!

[ChrisiusMaximus]

God damn it unscratchedfoot Ive got to completley rewrite parts 5,6 and 7 now. Have you been looking at my rough drafts,

[bassman]

Originally posted by unscratchedfoot
I figure Mike's letter is answered by Jess's parents who give him the sad news that she has joined the Russians and become the leader of a nasty KGB death squad. Jess enjoys her work very much. Mike is recruited by the Brits to go and put a stop to the butchery Jess and her henchmen deal out. In the end, Mike goes down in a hail of grapeshot and is reduced to a small pile of pulp.

I bet this will be the closest prediction yet!

She's become the Russian Mata Hari and Mike will have to seduce her to the Brits side a la James Bond!

[ChrisiusMaximus]

Shaken not stirred, not quite what I had in mind but it sounds a whole lot more fun than unscratchedfoot's prophecy.

[ChrisiusMaximus]

PART 5 A Change Of National Policies.

In the months following the cessation of hostilities between England and Russia, there had been much diplomatic manouvering going on. Publicly every nation condemned Russia's unprovoked attack on the unsuspecting British cities, and the vile atrocities of which they stood accused. Privately most nations traded with them such is the lure of wealth, and the nature of politics.

Even six months after the wars end, Catherine The Great still refused to acknowledge British envoys of the new democratic government of the "United Kingdom Of Great Britain" and the "Commonwealth Of Former Colonies".

The election had been a landslide, and the democratic front was now the ruling party, and its first Prime Minister the right honourable Sir Timothy Hughes MP had been sworn in.

In its first public debate the goverment launched the white paper "The State Of The Empire". Every community throughout the British territories were consulted and polled on the issues for change to the constitution and national policies.

the following is a list of the immediate changes that were implemented as a result of the process.

1/ All existing colonies to be granted independance and the right to self govern. Miliatary and Naval protection will be provided by the mother country for as long as this is required.

2/ The creation of a new commonwealth of nations initially comprising England and the former colonial states. Membership was to be offered to other nations at a later date, and upon meeting certain criteria.

3/ Parliamentary Elections to be held every seven years to help to maintain this new democracy.

4/ The Royal family was to be maintained by the state, and were to become ambassadors for the country, and theguardians of tradition and heritage.

5/ The existing war department to be closed and two new ministeries set up in its place, The ministery for Naval Affairs, and the Ministery for Land Based defenses.

6/ New ministeries set up for Health, Education, Trade, Science, Production, Culture and foreign affairs.

7/ A new treasury department for the planning and implementation of the national budget, and the collection of taxes.

8/ A massive nationwide building and modernisation programme, each city was to have its own Officer of Construction responsible for overseeing the building, upgrading and maintenance of all amenity buildings.

That first Christmas after the war almost nine and a half months ago was a bitter sweet time for Mikes family.It was Christmas Eve and the Richards were just arriving home from midnight mass. Not the digs they had moved into when they had first arrived in London, but their new Kensington townhouse. Probably the most fashionable residentrial area of London.

Jack had been a foreman on the naval academy, and his natural ability to supervise a major project and his flair for man and resource management had assisted in the completion of the Maglellans Journey two months ahead of schedule. This was rewarded by the Queen and Jack became Londons first Officer of construction. Many thought that the PM had personally appointed Jack because of his family connections.

Mikes life was also about to change quite radically, aged fifteen now he asked his parents to permit him to attend the new miliatary academy at Sandhurst, where he hoped to become an officer in the British forces. Mike had been offered a place at the accademy, this was a great opportunity for him, the son of a stonemason.

Jack was somewhat upset that Mike was not going to be the next generation of the Richards family to be a stonemason , but he knew this was an opportunity not to be missed for his son. As the family prepared to celebrate christmas and there new found good fortune,
they received the news of the plight of the people of Bristol.

English diplomats had finally managed to get to speak to the Russian leader, and had news of the ethnic cleansing carried out by Russian forces in the field, and it was now most likely that all were dead.

Mike also, after months of sending letters to Leeds in the hope of finding out if Jess was still alive had not received any news, and was now beginning to lose hope.

PART 6 Reparations

To be posted on completion but I may take a break for a couple of days. Many thanks for all the support you have all shown me.

[ChrisiusMaximus]

Well come on people is part 5 any good or not. Please let me know what you think.

[vovan]

Thirsty for feedback, are we, Chrisius?

Well, here goes then: honestly, after all the predictions, the actual story seems a little lacking in action and twists. It is, of course, above average, but really does not rise to the excitement of the previous parts. It might be just me, but I really found it pretty boring to read the numbered list of changes made to the country. I guess part of the reason is that my english teachers have always despised "laundry lists"...

But I do think you can write much better, and the name of the next part looks very promising. So, I am looking forward to the next installment.

[steamthunk]

On the one hand, it was interesting to see how an Englander organized even a fictional UK but on the other hand it wasn't quite clear how such things really impacted on the characters in the story at the moment.

Do you have any maps of your game? I'd be interested to see what the world looks like if you do.

[Nym]

Originally posted by steamthunk
Do you have any maps of your game? I'd be interested to see what the world looks like if you do.

I agree.

[bassman]

You know this lot - two posts without blood and they're hollering for war!

The 'laundry list' problem can be solved by having your characters discuss the changes.

"Jess, what's all this fuss about a new government?"

"Here, Mum, I'll explain it to you - again!"

Sometimes, though, that can turn into a lot of dialog that doesn't drive the story forward, and may even obstruct it. Then your characters just become talking heads. Television and bad movies are full of this.

The problem is that the average citizen doesn't deal with government and history on a daily basis, unless it affects them directly.

"Why the hell do have to pay all these new, bleeding taxes?"

"It's the new government, Dad. All those new ministries, you know."

"Yes, dear, and the money from the colonies isn't coming in as much, now that they're all free."

Etc., etc., etc.

Keep up the good work, Chrisius. Looking forward to part 6.

Now if I could just get unscratchedfoot to put money on his bet...

[ChrisiusMaximus]

Thanks everyone for the feedback, I think I rushed that last part a little but the info in the list is relevant to the story to come. Im going to post a map for you, but its not from a game. I have not actually based this story on a particular game, its obviously based on my knowledge of civ3 but also inspiration from other stories Ive read here.

I probably wont post the next part till midweek, I want to make sure its right before I post.

[ChrisiusMaximus]

Map of world prior to Anglo Russian war. The unclaimed territory is a group of tiny islands and nonone knows of them as of yet. Ive shown them now to save me posting another map later.

[vovan]

Well, Chrisius, don't overestimate my criticism. I'm not necessarily "hollering for war," And I did read through the most recent part of your story. It's just that the way you set it up is less interesting or exciting to me than the presious ones.

I don't think it is necessary that all the changes to the country be shown as a dialogue, but there are, I think some possibilities of presenting this information to the reader in some form other than a numbered list. Maybe in the form of a newspaper article, or a report by some official to the local governor of one of the colonies that they have been granted freedom - including, as a matter of fact, the other changes in the government. Or maybe a public address by the first prime minister. You know, that type of stuff. That way you would maintain an illusion of action, while presenting static information

Then again, I am no writer, so that "advice" could as well be a bunch of useless stuff

[ChrisiusMaximus]

Ive been rained off today at work so I managed to write part 6 sooner than anticipated.

PART 6 Reparations
The Democratic Front looked set to win their second term in office, there first six and a half years in power had been the most profitable period in British history. It had been a massive gamble to grant independance to the colonies, but had proved to be a real success. On the one hand it prevented other nations from saying that England was occupying their continent, and on the other hand it had given a huge increase in trading revenues throughout the new commonwealth.

Sir Timothy Hughes MP was standing for reelection, in his parties manifesto it described how with new technology and discoveries under their leadership the size, range and power of the Royal Navy had greatly increased. Furthermore all divisions of Musketmen had been retrained to use the new weapons called rifles and an extra 30 divisions had been created and trained.
These new weapons were said to be far more accurate at greater range and were much easier to reload with the revolutionary bullets for amnunition.

One thing the English had learned from the war with Russia was to stop selling technological know how to other nations. The United Kingdom was the richest, most advanced and most powerful nation on both sea and land.

Mike now aged 21 was walking with his father, it was a fine summers morning and both men felt at ease with the world. They were heading for the docklands to a political rally to hear cousin Tim speak.

"Look there Mike!" said Jack "its our old digs where we stayed all those years ago,"now one of Londons wealthiest men.

"My word, dont it look small hey Pa," said Mike.

"Not half, I dont think your Mum would want to come back, well not now any way. Ah here we are lets hear what he has to say,"replied Jack.

"Friends I come here today to tell you why you should vote for us, you all know of my parties achievements in government over the last almost seven years.Why would any of you want to vote for our opponents, The Republicans want to increase your taxes and place many new restrictions on your freedoms, while the All England party want to revert to system of power sharing with the monarchy. I say we dont want to go backwards and we dont want to stand still and be shackled. What we want is more, more progress, more wealth and more power."Spoke Sir Timothy to the cheering crowds.

"Hes a great! man he really has done us proud," Jack said to Mike.

"He certainly has Pa!, did I tell you Ive got to go and meet him after my passing out?" Mike asked.

"Friends we are on the verge of a revolution in our nation, one that will change the ways in which we think, and will revolutionise the way we do the things of our everyday lives. This will be an Industrial Revolution! and there will be more jobs, higher wages and lower taxes."

"Hooray!, Hooray!" shouted Jack trying to be heard above the crowd.

"Yes thats right lower taxes! how? well we pledge to initiate a nationwide program to build a new railroad network to service every city in the country. This is forcasted to greatly increase growth and trade revenues that we will give back to you the people" continued the Prime Minister.

"Fancy a pint lad?" Jack asked Mike.

"Yes why not" replied Mike and they headed off to the pub.

Mike had spent the last six years of his life intensivley training to become a high ranking officer in the British armed forces. In his heart still burned the hatred for the Russians who had killed his first love Jess, at least he assumed she had been killed has there had never been any word from Leeds. He had travelled all over the world to the former colonies whilst on exercise, and had been to every nations capitol city except for Moscow and Salamanca. Relations were still strained between the two nations. He had now finally come to the end of his training and was to receive his first commission from the Queen at Windsor in two days time.

"Hello Mum were home!" shouted Mike down the hallway.

"About time too" said Betty "Ive had your dinner ready for over an hour."

The Richards were very wealthy now and had domestic staff to run the household, but whenever Mike was home on leave Betty would always cook his favourite meal.

"Ah great! lobby me favourite, hiccup" said Jack slightly drunk.

"I see youve been to the pub then, oh well never mind, like father like son," said Betty "now go and wash up while I put your dinner out."

While they were eating Jack asked Mike "so why does the PM want to see you then Mike?"

"Im not really sure, but I think its got something to do with the Russians!" said Mike.

"Oh my god! theres not going to be another war is there Son?" said Betty quite alarmed.

"No Mum, well I dont think so" said Mike, "its all a bit hush hush at the moment but the government has been holding secret talks with the Russians for nearly a year now.

"Secret talks, what sort of secret talks?" asked Jack.

"You must promise not to repeat this to a soul!, I only know this because Ive been cousin Tims translator during the talks. We have demanded the return of Leeds to British sovereignty and the evacuation of the cities built in the former New England territory plus the sum of 50 million pounds sterling in reparations for the atrocities committed by the Russian army." Mike explained, "Or we will initiate trde embergos with all other nations and the commonwealth against their country."

"Sounds mighty dangerous to me Son!" said Jack.

"Not really Pa! see the Russian army is combined of the outdated Musketmen with calvary and cannon, and although large in number there pitiful navy would never manage to get passed our fleets sailing off the Russian coast."

"But whats this got to do with you, I, I dont want you to get hurt, why have you got to get involved."

"Quiet down woman!, dont get so worked up, hes a grown man not a boy," snapped Jack.

"I know, I, I, Im sory," sniffed Betty.

"Its alright Mum, dont worry I know how to look after myself. Now come on lets forget all about this, I dont know when Ill get my next leave."

Two days later Betty and Jack watched with pride as the Queen awarded Mike his new commission. He only had a moment to say goodbye to them before he was taken to meet with the Prime Minister.

Jack and Betty headed for home, on the way Jack told Betty about his new venture. He was setting up his own business to tender for the contracts to build the new railroads, he knew the work would not start until after the elections in three months time. His bank manager had agreed to put up the money to get the business started on condition that a subsidary company be set up along side to run the actual railway or at least part of it.

"Im doing it for our Mike," he said "and his children."

"Theres no chance of that Jack!," said Betty, "he will never marry. He cant let go of Jess's memory, only a miracle like finding her alive will ever see us become grandparents."

"Hmm, perhaps your right" said Jack sadly.


Part 7 The Meeting.

If you caught the first part of this then you will probably wonder why I only posted part of it, my dinner was ready

[vovan]

Very nice. And the name of the next part looks pretty intriguing (even though it seems to give away the plot a little bit)