New quotes for the new server please.

[Dauphin]

quotes should be in this form

[code[i][/i]]
quote without " or '
  -- source (if there is one)
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[/code[i][/i]]

  -- MarkG
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[FrustratedPoet]

@ Crunchy.

Thanks Markos, I'd kinda forgotten about that from last time. I'll convert some of mine (the shorter, funnier ones) sometime soon.

[Dauphin]

I hate people who think it's clever to take drugs...like custom officers.

  -- Jack Dee
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Yeah, I come from a long line of performers and actors. It's called the dole queue.

  -- Jack Dee.
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[Alex]

God is not dead but alive and well and working on a much less ambitious project.

           -- Anonymous, Graffito
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Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

          -- E. B. White
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Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is competently programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest.

           -- Isaac Asimov
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Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

              -- Rich Cook
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Half of the American people have never read a newspaper. Half never voted for President. One hopes it is the same half.

              -- Gore Vidal 
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[Abstract art is] a product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered.

             -- Al Capp 
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Death is nothing to us, since when we are, death has not come, and when death has come, we are not.

            -- Epicurus 
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A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.

            -- H. L. Mencken 
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And malt does more than Milton can
To justify God's ways to man.

            -- A. E. Housman 
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He who has a thousand friends has not a friend to spare,
And he who has one enemy will meet him everywhere.

            -- Ali ibn-Abi-Talib (602 AD - 661 AD), A Hundred Sayings
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Misogynist: A man who hates women as much as women hate one another.

              -- H. L. Mencken 
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I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

              -- Rita Rudner
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Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

              -- Anonymous
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If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

              -- Scott Adams 
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So little time and so little to do.

              -- Oscar Levant 
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We shall find peace. We shall hear the angels, we shall see the sky sparkling with diamonds.

              -- Anton Chekhov 
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Did I do it right?

[St Leo]

All generalisations are false, including the one I just made.
 -- Oscar Wilde
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We are trying to hide behind Daikatana. If and when they ship, we are probably screwed.
 -- Charlie Wieder, Duke4Ever
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Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum videtur.
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The assent of conscience, the pleasant feeling of 'at peace with oneself,' is of the same order as the please of the artist in his work -- it proves nothing at all.
 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
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Programming in Basic causes brain damage.
 -- Edsger Wybe Dijkstra
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Software is like sex; it's better when it's free.
 -- Linus Torvalds
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Hell is other people.
 -- Jean-Paul Sartre
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Reader, suppose you are an idiot. Now suppose you are a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.
 -- Mark Twain
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The First World Grouphug took place 1939 to 1945.
 -- Lucidor
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Thank you, floor, for not collapsing under the weight of my genius.
 -- Gimpy, Undergrads
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The greatest happiness is to vanquish your enemies, to chase them before you, to rob them of their wealth, to see those dear to them bathed in tears, to clasp to your bosom their wives and daughters.
 -- Genghis Khan
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I love the thought penis enlargement spammers put into the demographics. Before I started to use procmail et al on my email accounts I was being offered to add 4 inches daily.
The question is, 4 inches to what? I'm female!
 -- Anon, slashdot.org
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You must learn FORTRAN to understand why GOD is real... ...unless previously declared as an integer.
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If you can't do it in assembly language, it isn't worth doing.
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It is precisely when humour is offensive that we need it most. Comedy should provoke; it should blast through prejudices, challenge preconceptions. Comedy should always leave you different than when it found you.
Sure, humour can hurt and even alienate, but the risk is better than the alternative -- a steady diet of innocuous, childproof, flavourless mush.
Demand to be challenged, to be offended, to be treated like thinking, reasoning adults and raise your children to be the same. Don't let a comedian, a network, a congressional committee, or an evil genius take away your freedom to laugh at whatever you want.
 -- Duckman, Joking the Chicken
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Unfortunately, man is no longer evil enough.
 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
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All ideals are dangerous: because they debase and brand the actual; all are poisons, but indispensable as temporary cures.
 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
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They hypocritical show with which all civil institutions are whitetwashed, as if they were products of morality - e.g. marriage; work; one's profession; the fatherland; the family; order; law. But since they are one and all founded on the most mediocre type of man, as protection against exceptions and exceptional needs, it is only to be expected that they are full of lies.
 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
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...gods like to see an atheist around. Gives them something to aim at.
 -- Terry Pratchett
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Space will be colonised - although possibly not by us. If we lose our nerve, there are plenty of other people on this planet. The construction crews may speak Chinese or Russian - Swahili or Portuguese.
 -- Robert A. Heinlein
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She's the most beautiful anti-Christ I've ever seen.
 -- Ajax Duckman
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I demand of you, and of the whole world, that you show me a generic character ... by which to distinguish between Man and Ape. I myself most assuredly know of none. I wish somebody would indicate one to me. But, if I had called man an ape, or vice versa, I would have falled under the ban of all ecclesiastics. It may be that as a naturalist I ought to have done so.
 -- Carolus Linnaeus
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Tragedy struck today in Sector 9 as Rebel terrorists blew up the Death Star, killing thousands. The Rebel Alliance, a group of anti-Empire fanatics, has claimed responsibility for the terrorist act. Fortunately, Lord Vader escaped without harm. Our hearts go out to the families of the victims.
 -- NewsRadio 52
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The Geek is the mammal. Everyone else is a dinosaur. The internet is the meteor. Any questions?
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There are three kinds of intelligence: one kind understands things for itself, the other appreciates what others can understand, the third understands neither for itself nor through others. This first is excellent, the second good, and the third useless. 
 -- Niccolo Machiavelli
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A.D. 1348: The ILOVEYOU virus kills over half the population of Europe. (The other half was not using Outlook.)
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A.D. 1478: The Catholic Church partners with doubleclick.net to launch the Spanish Inquisition.
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A.D. 1611: Mattel adds Galileo Galilei to its CyberPatrol block list for proposing that the Earth revolves around the sun.
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A.D. 1769: James Watt patents the one-click steam engine.
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A.D. 1799: Attempts at discovering Egyptian hieroglyphs receive a major boost when Napoleon's troops discover the Rosetta stone. Sadly, the stone is quickly outlawed under the DMCA as an illegal means of circumventing encryption.
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A.D. 1901: Italian inventor Guglielmo Marcoli first demonstrates the radio. Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich immediately delivers to Marcoli a list of 335,435 suspected radio users.
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A.D. 1945: In the secret Manhattan Project, scientists working in Los Alamos, New Mexico, construct a nuclear bomb from Star Wars Legos.
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If the American people really tire of democracy and want to make a trial of Fascism, I shall be the last person to object. But if that is their mood, then they had better proceed toward their aim by changing the Constitution and not by forgetting it.
 -- H.L. Mencken
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Over the centuries, mankind has tried many ways of combating the forces of evil...prayer, fasting, good works and so on.  Up until Doom, no one seemed to have thought about the double-barrel shotgun. Eat leaden death, demon...
 -- Terry Pratchett
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Al Gore has completely awed and humbled me. Last spring, Matt Groening and I went to the Vice Presidential residence in Washington, D.C. to record him for his appearance on Futurama. As you can imagine, it was completely surreal to see the Vice President of the United States screaming about the universe collapsing - especially since he really got into his performance, and was throwing himself down on the couch as he acted out his desperate lines. Luckily, he was a great sport about the whole thing and made us feel very much at ease…otherwise, it would have been overwhelming. 
 -- David X. Cohen about Futurama
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Once again the US is spending millions to oust a puppet they spent millions to get into office. They'll spend millions on the cover-up to hide having spent those millions and even more millions to discredit members of the media who report otherwise. It's a good thing they print their own money.
- Cornfed, Clear and Presidente Danger
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In a thousand years, there will be no men and women, just ****ers, and that's fine by me.
 -- Trainspotting 
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If you ask me, the Galaxy is going to pot!
 -- Isaac Asimov
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From such beginning, an alternative explanation of the universe came into being. It didn't involve gods, at least directly, so it didn't find much favour with the priestly class. Some of their descendants are still trying to stamp it out, even today. The traditional priesthoods (who then and now often included some very intelligent people) eventually worked out an accomodations with this godless way of thinking, but it's still not popular with postmodernists, creationists, tabloid astrologers and others who prefer answers you can make up for yourself at home.
 -- Terry Pratchett
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A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, "Do you keep widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" 

She puts her hands on her knees, leans forward, and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit." 
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That ought to civilize the quote db.

Edit: Aaargh, "w-a-n-k-e-r" has nothing to do with sex!

[Dauphin]

God does not play dice with the universe: He plays an ineffable
game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the 
perspective of any of the other players to being involved in an 
obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch-dark room, with 
blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you 
the rules, and who smiles all the time.
 
   -- Terry Pratchett

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[St Leo]

Sure, 90% of science fiction is crud. That's because 90% of everything is crud.
 -- Theodore Sturgeon
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I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.
 -- VP Dan Quayle
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To be really medieval one should have no body. To be really modern one should have no soul. To be really Greek one should have no clothes.
 -- Oscar Wilde
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Down with oxygen!
 -- Chris DeWolf
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SimCity inspired Civilization in a way. The first prototype of Civilization that I did was a real-time game like SimCity, in that you placed cities and moved things around, but cities grew without you. You basically seeded the world in a kind of SimCity-esque way. Instead of zoning, you seeded things, and you said I want a city over there, and why don't you do some farming over here. What I didn't like in that version of Civilization is that you did a lot more watching than you did playing. So SimCity, Empire, Railroad Tycoon, and the Civilization board game were the different ingredients that we stirred together to get to Civilization. 

Civilization was a fantastic experience. Some games are a struggle to get together, and once we turned the corner and got away from the real-time SimCity-style game and made it turn-based, it really came together. It was fun from the beginning, and it just got more and more fun. I think in hindsight, it really drew on probably more of me than any other game. I played a lot of board games when I was a kid; I'd read a lot of history - I just found out I could put more and more stuff in that game. It was a big vessel that could hold the Romans, and it could hold riflemen, and it could hold airplanes, but the problem was I didn't know where to stop. It was great that all the stuff I thought was cool when I was a kid - in going back in history to World War II and the Roman Empire and then Napoleon and the Civil War - could be put it in this game. The original game actually went further into the future. It had paratroopers and aegis cruisers, but the problem was there was never a good stopping point. You could always invent some new technology, and I finally said all right, we're going to cut it off at World War II. 

The original game was twice as big. Another rule I call the 'Civilization Rule': Don't make the map too big. The concept of Civilization was the history of the world, so you have to have a big map. The original map was twice the size, and the game just bogged down. Part of the pacing of a game is this relentless progress. We finally turned it around to where the map was smaller, time progressed more quickly, and the game felt epic, even though it moved pretty quickly. So that was another rule: More is not necessarily better.
 -- Sid Meier
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Please. The U.S. is full of idiots. Britain is full of idiots. Everywhere is full of idiots. Stupidity is the one, great cultural universal. I try not to let something as petty as nationalistic fervor get in the way of the fact that stupid people annoy me, regardless of where they were born.
 -- Daniel Iwerks
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Russian military strategy number 5: When in doubt, annex Finland.
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Really long threads are the psychological fingerprint of a newsgroup.  Take comp.sys.ibm.pc.game.war-historical, for instance.  The unexpected thread-length champion from a couple months ago in that group was, of all things, someone asking which is the best computer simulation of the Battle of Midway.  I think it reached 297 posts before I lost track.  Now, there certainly aren't 297 different Midway games, although I could imagine 297 different people posting the same response just to hear themselves talk. Instead, the thread spiraled into irrelevance via a discussion of naval strategy.  Like, what would Yamamoto have done if he had been a dwarf cleric.  That's actually a trick question, since dwarves can't be clerics.
 -- Bruce Geryk
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Male tropical fish show fighting readiness when they see the red markings of other males of their species. They also get agitated when they glimpse a red truck out the window. Humans find themselves sexually aroused by looking at certain arrangements of very small dots on paper or celluloid or magnetic tape. They pay money to look at these patterns.
 -- Carl Sagan
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Duct tape is much like The Force.  It has a light side and a dark side and holds the Universe together.
 -- Klaatu
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The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
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And be on guard against the good and the just! They would fain crucify those who devise their own virtue -- they hate the lonesome ones.
 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
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More fun.

[Immortal Wombat]

Alex:

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

-- Anonymous
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Life is a sexually transmitted disease: with 100% fatalities.

              -- Anonymous
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[Kuciwalker]

Reach for the stars and you'll burn your hands.

- skywalker

[Ben Kenobi]

If only it were all so simple! If only there were evil people somewhere committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart? 

-Alexander Solzhenitsyn
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The simple step of a courageous individual is not to take part in the lie. One word of truth outweighs the world.

-Solzhenitsyn
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Do not pursue what is illusory - property and position: all that is gained at the expense of your nerves decade after decade and can be confiscated in one fell night. Live with a steady superiority over life - don't be afraid of misfortune, and do not yearn after happiness; it is after all, all the same: the bitter doesn't last forever, and the sweet never fills the cup to overflowing.

-Solzhenitsyn
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It is enough if you don't freeze in the cold, if thirst and hunger don't claw at your insides. If your back isn't broken, if your feet can walk, if your arms bend, if both eyes can see, and if both ears can hear, then whom should you envy? And why? Our envy of others devours us most of all. 

-Solzhenitsyn, [i]Gulag Archipelago[/i]
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It is not the level of prosperity that makes for happiness but the kinship of heart to heart and the way we look at the world. Both attitudes are within our power . . . a man is happy so long as he chooses to be happy, and no one can stop him.

-Solzhenitsyn, [i]Ivan Denisovich[/i] 
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[Ben Kenobi]

We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive. 

C.S. Lewis
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If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair. 

C.S. Lewis
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Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, "What! You too? I thought I was the only one!" 

C.S. Lewis
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Eros will have naked bodies; Friendship naked personalities. 

C.S. Lewis
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Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable. 

C.S. Lewis
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[Ben Kenobi]

I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers.

-Mahatma Gandhi
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One needs to be slow to form convictions, but once formed they must be defended against the heaviest odds.

-Mahatma Gandhi
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The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.

-Mahatma Gandhi
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What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans and the homeless, whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or the holy name of liberty or democracy?

-Mahatma Gandhi
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We must become the change we want to see.

-Mahatma Gandhi 
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It is unwise to be too sure of one's own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err.

-Mahatma Gandhi 
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I am prepared to die, but there is no cause for which I am prepared to kill.

-Mahatma Gandhi
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[Ben Kenobi]

Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. 

-MLK [i]Letter from a Birmingham Jail,[/i]
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If a man is called to be a streetsweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the host of heaven and earth will pause to say, here lived a great streetsweeper who did his job well. 

-MLK
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I refuse to accept the view that mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism and war that the bright daybreak of peace and brotherhood can never become reality. I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word. 

-MLK
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Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.

-MLK
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In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

-MLK
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[Frozzy]

I'll repost my MSS quotes then...

We are not afraid of the Americans.  Allah has condemned them.  They are stupid.  They are stupid" (dramatic pause) "and they are condemned.
  -- Mohammed Saeed Al-Sahaf, Iraqi Information Minister
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Lying is forbidden in Iraq. President Saddam Hussein will tolerate nothing but truthfulness as he is a man of great honor and integrity. Everyone is encouraged to speak freely of the truths evidenced in their eyes and hearts.
  -- Mohammed Saeed Al-Sahaf, Iraqi Information Minister
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Bush is a very stupid man. The American people are not stupid, they are very clever. I can't understand how such clever people came to elect such a stupid president.
  -- Mohammed Saeed Al-Sahaf, Iraqi Information Minister
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[Maquiladora]

Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
  -- Peter Kay
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