'I'm so bad at Civ IV that'...

[Brutus66]

At the start of each game, I get a pop-up that tells me that the people of my capital are rightfully asking to join the barbarians.

Whenever I grant independence to an offshore colony, the leader is always Marshal Petain, who immediately collaborates with my enemies.

Montezuma typically wins a domination victory in 3000 BC.

My cities celebrate "We Welcome Our New Aztec Overlords Day".

The first Great Spy I settle is invariably Kim Philby, and I always get Rodney Dangerfield for an Entertainer.

My most successful Great General is George Custer.

My science rate starts at -50%, causing my researchers to forget the advances I began the game with. Ten turns in, and we're stuck trying to figure out "The Secret of Fire".

My UU is the SUV, but I never get the oil resource, so I have to give all my gold to my biggest enemies.

[tedge20]

. . . my military advisor is Don Rumsfeld.

. . . I attack myself for harboring weapons of mass destruction . . . before I can build nukes, of course!

. . . my first city improvement is a white flag.

. . . my cultural advisors are Paula Abdul, Randy Jackson and Simon Cowell.

. . . instead of universities, I can only build correspondence courses.

. . . every time I meet a scout, he says, "My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die!"

. . . I don't get a science advisor, I get a Scientology advisor!

[Brutus66]

Originally posted by tedge20
. . . my cultural advisors are Paula Abdul, Randy Jackson and Simon Cowell.

At least yours aren't Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Toby Keith.

[tedge20]

Originally posted by Brutus66


At least yours aren't Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Toby Keith.

Of course not! Britney is one of my Great Artists, directly responsible for destroying the Rock 'n Roll wonder. Paris keeps spending all of my gold on leather goods from the Romans. "Toby Keith" is the name of my first Great Redneck. You see, since I can't conquer anyone, my people eventually start intermarrying, and after so many generations a Great Redneck is born. It gives you the options of discovering the Country Music tech, rushing the building of a Trailer Park, or creating the Plastic Pink Flamingo Corporation. Receiving a GR also triggers a Golden Age of Mullets.

[Julian Delphiki]

..in my game AI leaders managed to come with AP resolution: "You are banned from the game since you're so bad that we rather play against each other", and this was tutorial

[rah]

..the barbs come into my territory and leave without pillaging or attacking since it's not worth the effort. They then go an pillage/attack a real civ.

[Blaupanzer]

... every university I build puts the city into instant revolt. Then the cities join the most despotic of my neighbors, claiming it's their intellectual duty.

[Lord Avalon]

Originally posted by The Priest
my UU is a cheese-eating surrender monkey

...and you're all out of cheese.


...I had a great artist with a negative culture bonus: his idea of art was throwing s**t at the wall; his idea of expanding cultural borders was pissing around the city (well, it did keep the wolves, bears, etc away); the city he was in demanded to join another civ - any other civ, please by all that's holy, we're begging you!

[Theben]

Originally posted by tedge20

Of course not! Britney is one of my Great Artists, directly responsible for destroying the Rock 'n Roll wonder. Paris keeps spending all of my gold on leather goods from the Romans. "Toby Keith" is the name of my first Great Redneck. You see, since I can't conquer anyone, my people eventually start intermarrying, and after so many generations a Great Redneck is born. It gives you the options of discovering the Country Music tech, rushing the building of a Trailer Park, or creating the Plastic Pink Flamingo Corporation. Receiving a GR also triggers a Golden Age of Mullets.

[Addled Platypus]

...my golden age is the great depreesion

[Addled Platypus]

...my golden age is the great depression

[Theben]

It was funnier the 1st time.

[PohlSE]

...the only religion I can found is Scientology.

[Brutus66]

Originally posted by PohlSE
...the only religion I can found is Scientology.

Bet I know who your Great Prophet is...

[PohlSE]

...the only corporation I can found is ACME.