Something To Think About While You Wait....

[Last Conformist]

From my quotations file:

The most perilous moment for a bad government is when it seeks to mend its ways. Only consummate statecraft can enable a king to save his throne when, after a long spell of oppression, he sets out to improve the lot of his subjects.

-- Alexis de Tocqueville


"Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done."

-- Carl Friedrich Gauss, while working, when informed that his wife is dying



"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."

-- Thomas Watson (1874-1956), Chairman of IBM, 1943


"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."

-- Ken Olson, president. chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp.


How about this for a headline for tomorrow's paper? French fries.

-- James French, executed in an electric chair


Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

-- Thomas Jones


The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries.

-- Winston Churchill


The reasonable man adapts himself to the world. The unreasonable man persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. It follows that all progress depends on the unreasonable man.

-- George Bernard Shaw


A fanatic is a man that does what he thinks the Lord would do if he knew the facts of the case.

-- Finley Peter Dunne


Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it.

-- Brian Kernighan


Good fences make good neighbors.

-- Robert Frost


"Until tonight, I didn't believe I was crazy, but now I know better."

-- Last Conformist (on his trip to Amsterdam)


I am not so lost in lexicography as to forget that words are the daughters of earth, and that things are the sons of heaven.

-- Samuel Johnson, Preface to Dictionary (1755)


Hostility towards Microsoft is not difficult to find on the Net, and it blends two strains: resentful people who feel Microsoft is too powerful, and disdainful people who think it's tacky. This is all strongly reminiscent of the heyday of Communism and Socialism, when the bourgeoisie were hated from both ends: by the proles, because they had all the money, and by the intelligentsia, because of their tendency to spend it on lawn ornaments.

-- Neal Stephenson


Raffiniert ist der Herr Gott, aber böshaft ist er nicht.

-- Albert Einstein


"Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens."

-- Schiller


"To turn any object into a piece of art you just have to make it useless."

-- Jean Baudrillard


"The competent programmer is fully aware of the strictly limited size of his own skull; therefore he approaches the programming task in full humility, and among other things he avoids clever tricks like the plague."

-- Edsger Dijkstra


History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.

-- Sir Winston Churchill


We're physicists. We don't do common sense.

-- Peter Bleackley


"Common sense is what tells you the earth is flat".

-- Ferenc Valoczy


Never! We would not give you a cup of water if you were drowning in a desert"

-- Mao


Verbogeny is one of the pleasurettes of a creatific thinkerizer.

-- Peter da Silva


"That's the interesting thing about being the president. Maybe somebody needs to explain to me why they say something, but I don't feel like I owe anybody an explanation."

-- President George W. Bush


"A language is a dialect that has an army and a navy."

-- Max Weinreich


One Word to write them all,
One Access to find them,
One Excel to count them all,
And thus to Windows bind them.

-- Mike Champion


God goes to the doctor and says "Doc, when I was younger, I used to be able to make a rock so big that I couldn't lift it. But these days, nomatter how big a rock I make, I lift it with no trouble. So my questionis - have I gotten *more* omnipotent, or *less*?"

-- Douglas Hofstaedter


Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.

-- Eleanor Roosevelt


"Jealousy, selfishness, and being a self-hating human can cause early death."

-- R' Yehoshua` (rough translation)


People commonly use statistics like a drunk uses a lamppost: for support rather than for illumination.

-- Mark Twain


When I die, I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror, like his passengers.

-- unknown


"There is much pleasure to be gained from useless knowledge."

-- Bertrand Russell


Life is complex. It consists of real and imaginary parts.

-- Yoon Ha Lee


"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders."

-- Hal Abelson


If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

-- Fran Lebowitz


"Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives."

-- Charles Fisher


"Democracy substitutes election by the incompetent many for the appointment by the corrupt few."

-- George Bernard Shaw


"Greater love hath no man than this, to lay down his friends for his life."

-- Jeremy Thorpe, British Liberal Party leader in the 1970s


"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new."

-- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)


"Who ordered that?"

-- Isidore Rabi, on the discovery of the muon.


"There is no rule of law until the Mafia needs lawyers."

-- Stephen Holmes



"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

-- Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player


"One thing foreigners, computers, and poets have in common is that they make unexpected linguistic associations."

-- Jasia Reichardt


"Guns don't kill people; Physics kills people."

-- Dr. Richard Solomon.


There are 10^11 stars in the galaxy. That used to be a huge number. But it's only a hundred billion. It's less than the national deficit! We used to call them astronomical numbers. Now we should call them economical numbers.

-- Richard Feynman


"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before. He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way."

-- Kurt Vonnegut in "Cats Cradle"


Even as the finite encloses an infinite series
And in the unlimited limits appear,
So the soul of immensity dwells in minuta
And in the narrowest limits, no limits inhere
What joy to discern the minute in infinity!
The vast to perceive in the small, what Divinity!

-– Jakob Bernoulli


An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes, which can be made, in a very narrow field.

-– Niels Bohr


God exists since mathematics is consistent, and the devil exists since we cannot prove the consistency.

-– Morris Kline


Black holes are where God divided by zero.

-– Steven Wright


A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

-– Paul Erdös


Mathematicians are a species of Frenchmen: if you say something to them they translate it into their own language and presto! It is something entirely different.

-– Johann Wolfgang Goethe


Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

-– John von Neumann


Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.

-- Mark Twain


"Suppose you are a Congressman. And suppose you are an idiot. But I repeat myself."

-- Mark Twain


"My loathings are simple: stupidity, oppression, crime, cruelty, soft music."

-- Vladimir Nabokov


"On Monday man may be hysterical with doom, and on Tuesday you will find him opening the Doomsday Bar & Grill and settling down for another thousand years of terrifying queerness."

--E. B. White



"What luck for rulers that men do not think"

-- Hitler


"it is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong"

-- Voltaire


"Patriotism is a pernecious, psychopathic form of idiocy"

-- George Bernard Shaw


All men are ignorant - only the subject differs.

-- Oscar Wilde


"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."

-- Voltaire


"All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident."

-- Schopenhauer


"It is often forgotten that (dictionaries) are artificial repositories, put together well after the languages they define. The roots of language are irrational and of a magical nature."

-- Jorge Luis Borges, Prologue to "El otro, el mismo".


The fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.

-- Carl Sagan


Strategy is the art of making use of time and space. I am less concerned about the later than the former. Space we can recover, lost time never.

-- Napoleon


The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.

-- Somerset Maugham


"Victory has a thousand fathers, but defeat is an orphan."

-- John F. Kennedy


“God seems to have a special place in his heart for drunkards, idiots and Americans.”

-- Bismarck


Only the dead have seen the end of the war.

-- Plato


Our Father which art in Crawford, hallowed be Thy name. Thy re-election come. Thy will be done in Ohio, as it was in Florida. Give us this day our daily media circus and massive White House coverup, and forgive us our debts, as we foreclose our debtors. Lead us not into Massachusetts, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the power, and the glory, and the FCC, for ever.

-- Pontiuth Pilate (about President George W Bush)


"Those who cast the votes do not matter. Those who count the votes are those who matter."

-- Joseph Stalin


A little learning is a dangerous thing; drink deep, or taste not the Pierian spring: there shallow draughts intoxicate the brain, and drinking largely sobers us again.

-- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)


"But speaking here in my capacity as a polished, sophisticated European as well, it seems to me the laugh here is on the polished, sophisticated Europeans. They think Americans are fat, vulgar, greedy, stupid, ambitious and ignorant and so on. And they've taken as their own, as their representative American, someone who actually embodies all of those qualities."

-- Christopher Hitchens on Michael Moore


"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy."

-- Spike Milligan


"Science is like sex. Sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it."

-- Richard Feynman


God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of his own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players, to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.

-- Terry Pratchett


To the meaningless French idealisms of Liberty, Equality, and Fraternity, we oppose the German realisms of Infantry, Cavalry, and Artillery

-- Prince Bernhard von Bulow, German Chancellor


In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, bloodshed — but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love, 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.

-- Orson Welles


You keep talking about your soul like its something you want to hold on to. Let it goooo baby. Once the soul's gone, you've got all this extra room for chocolate and ice cream. You'll never miss it.

-- Starchild


I'm drunk, hence I'm allowed to be hypocritical.

-- Whaleboy


I never cease to be amazed by the fact that, no matter how bizarre your position on anything, there is always somebody in America who agrees with you.

-- Joseph Flatula

[-Jrabbit]

OK, I admit there are a few good ones in that group.

It's not so much the existence of quotes-while-waiting that I object to.
It's the quality of the thing that matters.
When I first came to Poly, I loved the quotes. But I just got sick to death of the database.

Maybe Poly needs a Quotes Editor to keep it fresh...

[mrmitchell]

All good quotes.

[Kuciwalker]

Did Nazi Germany and the USSR join force in attacking another country?

-- Urban Ranger


It is not an ethical application of learning to attack a specific politician. You don't have to have learned a bloody thing to attack politicians. If that were so, Sava would need several doctorates.

-- Elok


Eternity is a damn long time.

-- Spiffor


don't think PETA are really extremists. They just take an extreme aproach in their activism.

-- General Ludd


Oh please Pax [Africanus], don't try to paint me out as a ignorant kid who plays computer games all the time.

-- Fez


Fez: And you are a Nazi.

Whaleboy: In a delightfully Jewish, Marxist, libertarian, anti-patriotic, pacifist way.


If they installed a T.V. in church I'd go. Preferably 2 wide screens on the either side of the cross thingy with teh guy on it.

-- Tehban

[Arnelos]

From my quote list:

“Men willingly believe what they wish.”

-- Julius Caesar


“Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.”

-– Confucius


“Believe those who are seeking the truth; doubt those who find it.”

-- Andr Gide


“Not to know what has been transacted in former times is to be always a child. If no use is made of the labors of past ages, the world must remain always in the infancy of knowledge.”

--Cicero


“I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.”

--Galileo Galilei


“To make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe.”

--Carl Sagan


"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls."

-- Matt Cartmill


"Every day, on seven continents, in crowded little theaters called laboratories, there is played out the repeated formula plot of a melodrama: The ruination of a beautiful hypothesis by an ugly fact."

-- Unknown


"It is easier to be critical than to be correct."

-- Benjamin Disraeli


“Censorship, like charity, should begin at home, but unlike charity, it should end there.”

-- Clare Boothe Luce


“Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don't think.”

-- Author Unknown


“Majority rule only works if you're also considering individual rights. Because you can't have five wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for supper.”

-- Larry Flynt


“Truth is not determined by majority vote.”

-- Doug Gwyn


"In a state-run society the government promises you security. But it's a false promise predicated on the idea that the opposite of security is risk. Nothing could be further from the truth. The opposite of security is insecurity, and the only way to overcome insecurity is to take risks. The gentle government that promises to hold your hand as you cross the street refuses to let go on the other side."

-- Theodore Forstmann


“Math is catching a black cat on a black floor.
Physics: same but in a pitch black room.
Chemistry: same but the room is crammed with black furniture.
Philosophy: same but with no cat in the room.
Marxist philosophy: same but with frequent cries "Caught it!""


“A man's hatred is always concentrated upon that which makes him conscious of his bad qualities.”

-- Carl Gustav Jung


“People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character.”

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson


“We are here on earth to do good for others. What the others are here for, I don't know.”

-- W. H. Auden


“Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.”

-- Douglas Adams


“He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster.”

-- Friedrich Nietzsche


“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.”

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson


“To dare to live alone is the rarest courage; since there are many who had rather meet their bitterest enemy in the field, than their own hearts in their closet.”

-- Charles Caleb Colton


"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

-- Albert Einstein


"The release of atomic energy has not created a new problem. It has merely made more urgent the necessity of solving an existing one."

-- Albert Einstein


"Truly, that which makes me believe there is no inhabitant on this sphere, is that it seems to me that no sensible thing would be willing to live here."
"Well, then!" said Micormegas, "perhaps the beings that inhabit it do not possess good sense"

-- Voltaire (in Micromegas: A Philosophical History, 1752)


“It is well that war is so terrible, or we should get too fond of it.”

-- Robert E. Lee


"[D]iversity is the raw material on which selection operates. There seems to be, then, a reason--at the heart of population genetics and evolution for small semi-isolated groups as the sub-structure of large populations, for xenophobia, ethnocentrism, [and] territoriality.... So [the] next time you hear a raving demagogue counseling hatred for other, slightly different groups of humans, for a moment at least see if you can understand his problem: He is heeding an ancient call that, however dangerous, obsolete, and maladaptive it may be today, once benefited our species."

-- Carl Sagan ("Shadows of Forgotten Ancestors", 1992)


"Television is the first truly democratic culture - the first culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want. the most terrifying thing is what people do want."

-- Clive Barnes


“People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war or before an election.”

-- Otto von Bismarck


“Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice Doggie!" till you can find a rock."

-- Wynn Catlin


“I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget.”

-- Benjamin Disraeli


“Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable.”

-- John Kenneth Galbraith


“A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground.”

-- H. L. Mencken


“Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.”

-- Ronald Reagan


“The Vice Presidency is sort of like the last cookie on the plate. Everybody insists he won't take it, but somebody always does.”

-- Bill Vaughan


“Under democracy one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule-- and both commonly succeed, and are right.”

-- H.L. Mencken, Minority Report, 1956


“Treat the media as you would any other watchdog. Stay calm, be friendly, let them sniff your hand, and never turn your back.”

-- Amy Sprinkles, Public Information Officer, City of Grand Prairie, Texas


“Congress is so strange. A man gets up to speak and says nothing. Nobody listens - and then everybody disagrees.”

-- Boris Marshalov


“I must acknowledge, once and for all, that the purpose of diplomacy is to prolong a crisis.”

-- Mr. Spock, Star Trek


“It's important to remember that just because there are crooks, zealots and morons supporting a position, it does not automatically follow that the position is wrong.”

-- Jan D. Wolter


“It's a very sobering feeling to be up in space and realize that one's safety factor was determined by the lowest bidder on a government contract.”

-- Alan Shepherd


“Every two years the American politics industry fills the airwaves with the most virulent, scurrilous, wall-to-wall character assassination of nearly every political practitioner in the country--and then declares itself puzzled that America has lost trust in its politicians.”

-- Charles Krauthammer


“Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.”

-– Aaron Levenstein


“An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.”

-- Laurence J. Peter


“Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.”

-- Hector Berlioz


“We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.”

-- Phyllis Diller


“A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.”

-- Robert Frost


“In the fight between you and the world, back the world.”

-- Franz Kafka


"The avalanche has started, it is too late for the pebbles to vote."

-- Kosh, "Believers" (From Babylon 5)


"The universe is driven by the complex interaction between three ingredients: matter, energy, and enlightened self-interest."

-- G'Kar, "Survivors" (From Babylon 5)


"You know, I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, wouldn't it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them? So, now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe."

-- Marcus Cole, "A Late Delivery from Avalon" (From Babylon 5)


“I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.”

-- Winston Churchill


“We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead.”

-- James E. Day, former U. S. Postmaster General


“Nostalgia: When you find the present tense and past perfect.”

-- Unknown


“I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.”

-- J. Edgar Hoover


“In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”

-- Douglas Adams


Why God Will Never Get Tenure At Any University
1. Only published one book.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
5. Some doubt He even wrote it Himself.
8. He did not get permission from any review board to work with human subjects.
9. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning all the subjects.
12. It is rumored that He sometimes lets His Son teach the class.
13. Although He only has 10 requirements, His students often fail His tests.
14. He expelled His first two students for learning.
15. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

-- faculty members at Kansas State University and instructors at Allen County Community College


“I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.”

-- Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts (from Saturday Night Live)


“Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.”

-- Carl Zwanzig


“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament], 'Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.”

-- Charles Babbage


“I used to think I was poor. Then they told me I wasn't poor, I was needy. Then they told me it was self-defeating to think of myself as needy. I was deprived. (Oh not deprived but rather underprivileged.) Then they told me that underprivileged was overused. I was disadvantaged. I still don't have a dime. But I have a great vocabulary.”

-- Jules Feiffer (1965)


"Sir, I do not know whether you will die on the gallows or of the pox."
-- Earl of Sandwich
"That will depend, my lord, on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."
-- John Wilkes


“There are some things that are so serious that you have to laugh at them.”

-- Niels Bohr


“At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.”

-- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985


"In answer to the question "are you a geek" one guy replied: "I carry a differential-equations problem-solver and a periodic table in my wallet. What do you think?" "

-- from The Economist, 3/29/97


“The young always have the same problem-- how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have now solved this by defying their parents and copying one another.”

-- Quentin Crisp


“A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.”

-- Woody Allen


“I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?”

-- Jean Kerr


“When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, you think it's only a minute. But when you sit on a hot stove for a minute, you think it's two hours. That's relativity.”

-- Albert Einstein


“It is vain to say that enlightened statesmen will always be able to adjust their interests. Enlightened men will not always be at the helm.”

-- James Madison


“Change is inevitable -- except from a vending machine.”

-- Robert C. Gallagher


“Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right!”

-- Salvor Hardin, Foundation (by Isaac Asimov)


“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”

-- Carl Sagan


“There are two kinds of truths: small truth and great truth. You can recognize a small truth because its opposite is a falsehood. The opposite of a great truth is another great truth.”

-- Niels Bohr


“The academic community has in it the biggest concentration of alarmists, cranks and extremists this side of the giggle house.”

-- William F. Buckley Jr.


“Men occasionally stumble on the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.”

-- Winston Churchill


“The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.”

-- F. Scott Fitzgerald


“Nobody believes the official spokesman... but everybody trusts an unidentified source.”

-- Ron Nesen


“Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.”

-- Dennis Wholey


“If fascism comes to America, it’ll be called antifascism.”

-- Huey Long


"To know the pains of power, we must go to those who have it; to know its pleasures, we must go to those who are seeking it."

-- Charles Caleb Colton (1780-1832)


"[Neville Chamberlain] looked at foreign affairs through the wrong end of a municipal drainpipe."

-- Winston Churchill


(NOTE: This is but a small sampling of what I have. I didn't include any of my partisan ideological quotations, for instance. )

[Bloody Monk]

Here are some collected quotes from Steven Wright...

Steven Wright Quotes

- When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

- Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.

- It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

- I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know where sleep is." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said, "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

- I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

- When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

- Earlier today I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

- One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.

- My girlfriend does her nails with whiteout. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

- I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!

- I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."

- I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. You turn on the record, put the headphones on and learn Spanish in your sleep; during the night the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

- Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

- Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

- There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

- I bought a dog the other day, he_s really smart!...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

- I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

- The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation...go figure

- If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

- If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

- Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

- What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

- I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

- I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me they were cramming for their finals.

- I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use... Toothpicks?

- Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do_ write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

- How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

- If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

- Clones are people two.

- If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

- If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

- Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

- Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

- If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

- If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

- I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

- So what's the speed of dark?

- How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?

- After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

- If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

- I just got skylights put in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

A fellow with a very interesting take on things.

Monk

[MarkG]

i'm certain we had more apolytoners' quotes....

[Andemagne]

Quotes are back. Great! I was missing them
is it true that all those good old quotes are gone? I liked them alot. sad. sad indeed.
they really made me think. some times at least.

[Kuciwalker]

From Agathon's sig:

"That's not internally inconsistent at all." - "Uh... yes it is. That's like saying P implies !P is also internally consistent" - "No it isn't. That'd be 1 = 0. Crazy man! Imagine a circular number line. 1 = -1. So what, if the axioms still hold, all is cool" - Apolytoners debating philosophy.

[Skanky Burns]

I have to say that while funny, the quotes by Polytubbies beat those by famous people quite easily.

[DarkCloud]

Maybe Poly needs a Quotes Editor to keep it fresh...

That's a great idea -Jrabbit!

i'm certain we had more apolytoners' quotes....

I prefer apolytoner quotes to all others- they're *special*

Note: I'll go back and fix the quotes in Markos' format as soon as I can... *grumble*

[DarkCloud]

There, I fixed the quotes in my first post
--
here's a new one that I think you've all heard before:
but I would think that it would be a most appropriate addition to the quotes file


And if you want to just read intersting stuff without spaming, click here:

http://apolyton.net/forums/quote.php

-- MarkG (on the new and revised Quote System)

[Ben Kenobi]

Gotta have Che's quote.

'My karma ran over your dogma.'

Plenty of other quotes if someone wants to go through and quote them.

[joncha]

Here's two I could find quickly:

"Just because I call for the suspension of election results and a military takeover, does not make me a fascist."

-- Fezcarlo

"That's sig material. Unfortunately, it's just not mine."

-- Japher

[Arnelos]

Originally posted by Ben Kenobi
Gotta have Che's quote.

'My karma ran over your dogma.'

I've heard that joke in so many places... I wonder who it might be originally attributed to.