Still alive

[Pekka]

i'm really sorry to hear about this pekka. it must be very hard to take.

Yeah. I'm so sick to my stomach I can't sleep in the bed of ours. It's been violated. Not that I can sleep anyway. I'm very hungry but I cant' eat, it all comes out. And I thought cancer drugs would make me puke.... there are stronger thing than that!

[Pekka]

I talked to my mom for a long time, made me feel a lot better. She does not like the sound of this either but she is a rock for me so I once again realised I have no absolute proof, I have suspicions which are OK to have given the vastness of them, but none of them are 100 %. So it might be a coincidense and thinking about the situation and the outcome I want, what's best for me, the kids and I think ultimately for her as well, I HAVE to give the benefit of a doubt. Unless something comes up, I have to let it go for now if possible. If something does come up, then investigate it, if not, let it be.

She just texted me everything is OK and she's having fun. GOod night. Given the way she left, I actually think it's a good sign. As in she is not cheating me at the moment (at least right now she isn't) and that she really said to me is that "I'm safe, I thought about you and even though I left in a hurry and was cold toward you, I understand why you suspected me of cheating, I can't be mad about that... the situation does look bad for me, I know". I think that is waht she is saying to me, that she has forgiven me about the fact that I asked her about the condoms today and that she got pissed off, but that now when she thinks about it, she understands it.

Also, since she is out with a friend, I'm sure they've talked all about the situation! They're drunk, so bits of truth is talked. Her friend (I know her a bit) is in a special position, since her husband has like very rare and serious disease, I can't even remember what it was but very serious. I guess that's one reason they became friends in school, both had similar situations. I think this is great: now they can share feelings about having ill husbands, and I'm sure they both have same thoughts, feelings, anxiety and experience about our behaviours, so she can see that OK my friend has had the exact same thing. So that's a good thing, I think. Kind of like peer support.

[Pekka]

SO! My solution! I'll write a letter to her (face to face isn't working, I've tried... she feels it is pressuring by now..) about how I feel, no accusations, just about how I feel and what I think about it, and what I'd like to achieve together in the future. But most of all, how I feel. The reasoning is to start with a method of communication that does reach her for sure, work my way up to communicating face to face little by little, just make us learn it together and even with a help of therapist. Just make this the first priority and let her know and feel it really is the first priority. Let's forget this cancer crap, it's not even hugely important.

[Lorizael]

Pekka, your patience and resolve are tremendously admirable.

[rah]

I would expect no less from the supercitizen.

[N35t0r]

Pekka

[Dinner]

Yeah. I'm so sick to my stomach I can't sleep in the bed of ours. It's been violated. Not that I can sleep anyway. I'm very hungry but I cant' eat, it all comes out. And I thought cancer drugs would make me puke.... there are stronger thing than that!

The same thing happened to my mom. The treatment just makes it real hard to keep anything down. She found liquids were easier on her system though and that she could often keep those down so she liked it when I made smoothies or fresh juice. That's a healthy way to get vitamins and nourishment down even when you can't keep any solid food down. Also I agree that you need a to consult a lawyer just to protect your rights as a father and maybe to speak about trust funds (for your kids bu maybe with your father as the trust executor). Its true that if she wants to leave then there is nothing you can do to stop her so it would be best to just accept that fact and it might even turn out better for both you and the kids. That way she wouldn't automatically get the house, you can put the life insurance in the kids names, or maybe have it be part of the trust tying up the house so she can't just sell it. That way, you know the kids would get to grow up in the house and be near their grandfather.

That would be a plus though I know nothing of Finnish law or how such a trust could be structured especially since the house would be community property and the divorce would have to be finalized first unless the two of you could reach some sort of agreement. It is definitely worth talking to a lawyer which specializes in these matters.

[Dinner]

Is your wife cheating on you? Probably, the condoms prove that, but there really isn't much you can do about it other than set up secret cameras in the bedroom or something. Is Finalnd a no fault divorce state where everything gets split 50-50 no matter what? If so then there is no point getting proof of cheating but if Finland does have at fault divorce where she would get less if you proved adultery then set up a hidden camera and let her go about her cheating business then show the tape to the judge and maybe the estate will get split 75-25 in your favor. It all just depends on the laws of your country.

Either way it is best to put her out of your mind and realize she's not the person you thought she was. Not by a long shot.

[Pekka]

Is your wife cheating on you? Probably, the condoms prove that, but there really isn't much you can do about it other than set up secret cameras in the bedroom or something. Is Finalnd a no fault divorce state where everything gets split 50-50 no matter what? If so then there is no point getting proof of cheating but if Finland does have at fault divorce where she would get less if you proved adultery then set up a hidden camera and let her go about her cheating business then show the tape to the judge and maybe the estate will get split 75-25 in your favor. It all just depends on the laws of your country.

Either way it is best to put her out of your mind and realize she's not the person you thought she was. Not by a long shot.

TO be fair, the condoms were unused. SO it MIGHT be they were someone elses, or that maybe someone else had sex in the bed (if sex was had). I know there were more females than males so it's very possible. All I'm saying is that I still love my wife, and even though it looks bad, there's a small chance it isn't what it looks like. And because she is my wife, I want to do to her what I'd want her to do to me, and that is not judge yet. See it through. So that's why I'm not taking it as absolute proof, if more appears, then proper investigation.

I could hire a PI, we have them here. Or I could just hack her stuff. But not until there's more evidence.

Of course this all adds to the urgency of us talking and settling things up once in for all. THere needs to be progress.

I had to ask myself a question today: If she cheated on me, would I forgive her? Yes, I would. In my heart? I'd be sad about it but I would tell her I forgive you and try to move on. If she had a relationship with another man, would I want to know about that? Probably not. Then there would be no future, because she would have chosen that someone else over me, nothing I can do about it. But cheating I might forgive, but I would need to know about it as well. Cheating, as in one time sex affair....

Our laws goes 50/50 by default, so even cheating or a new relationship makes no difference. I don't think she'd divorce me as she'd lose the house on that move.

[Dinner]

Is the house in your name or jointly? If it is in your name could you transfer the deed over to your parents or something so it stays in your side of the family?

This.

If divorce is out and the title is in your name (not held jointly) then move it into your father's name so she doesn't get title to it. Also, consider having the life insurance paid to your father instead of her and making it a trust for the kids when they turn 18. Another way to do it would be to have the life insurance pay off the mortgage payment (or part of it at least) so that the mortgage costs get greatly reduced. Your wife and kids could still live in the house but she wouldn't have the power to sell it out from under the kids.

[Ben Kenobi]

If divorce is out and the title is in your name (not held jointly) then move it into your father's name so she doesn't get title to it. Also, consider having the life insurance paid to your father instead of her and making it a trust for the kids when they turn 18. Another way to do it would be to have the life insurance pay off the mortgage payment (or part of it at least) so that the mortgage costs get greatly reduced. Your wife and kids could still live in the house but she wouldn't have the power to sell it out from under the kids.

Yes, this is doable. Very doable, Pekka.

[DaShi]

SO! My solution! I'll write a letter to her (face to face isn't working, I've tried... she feels it is pressuring by now..) about how I feel, no accusations, just about how I feel and what I think about it, and what I'd like to achieve together in the future. But most of all, how I feel. The reasoning is to start with a method of communication that does reach her for sure, work my way up to communicating face to face little by little, just make us learn it together and even with a help of therapist. Just make this the first priority and let her know and feel it really is the first priority. Let's forget this cancer crap, it's not even hugely important.

Dannubis is right. You have to let the cheating issue go. Your situation means that you have go through things a bit faster than most. So, as you write this letter, think less about how you feel now, but instead about the person you want your children to remember you as. This is likely to be one of the most personal letters you'll ever write to your wife and one of the final records of who you are. This may be a letter that she will show your children someday and say, "This is what your father was like." What do you want such a letter to say?

[Fake Boris]

When I read the first post of the thread I thought to myself "she's having an affair and she's trying to suppress the guilt by eliminating the perceived source".

The rest seems to confirm my initial suspicion.

In the end, as others have said already, the affair doesn't matter at all. This is over already, it's about protecting your rights and leaving something to your kids.

My thoughts are with you, Pekka.

[Pekka]

Still not sure if she is or not, but it doesn't matter. She has still ketp to herself, so that is 1 month out of our bed now. For the last week, I've done everything, woke up with the kids, breakfast, cleaning, laundry, dishes etc... she has kept nagging me how I do it all wrong though. I figured she was angry at me. So I wrote her a letter, about my feelings, how I still love her etc.

She read it today and said, after being quiet for a long time that she has to let me go. THat this (me dying) is too rough for her. That it means she has to leave me now. But that she can stil llive in the house. I said OK. That I'm disappointed, but I still love her and wish she can support me the, she agreed to it but said no closeness, hugs are out of question.

I figured well that sucks, I have to be alone and she just leaves me like that.

Then she made it better, that she needs to look into the future ,and start to date other men. I'm still alive!

THat made me sick to my stomach, I said no, that's gross, it' s wrong and insulting. I said I am still alive while she kept saying how soon I'm going to die... **** I'm actually scared now, outta here.

[Dinner]

Cold. That's just a terrible thing to do to someone. She should be ashamed.