Still alive

[Ben Kenobi]

Go to the sister's house. If she refuses to let you in, tell her you will call the police and that they will force her to let you have your kids back. Then, do just that.

Yep. I would do exactly that. If she wants to have her fun - let her have her fun, without her kids. She's trying to have her cake and eat it too, and that won't fly. Taking the kids from you and then letting her family look after them.

Talk to a lawyer and start throwing bombs, Pekka. In that order. Don't do anything silly, but talk to a lawyer ASAP.

This! I'm sure there's a way to set it up, and make sure you document everything, including her request for 'time to party', while leaving her kids with her family. This is important stuff for a custody dispute.

In this country, father's have no rights. We are NOT equal in front of a judge, this is a known fact.

Which is why you need legal representation and to do what they tell you you should be doing. They will know the lay of the land. Find someone who will fight for you!

[Pekka]

GUys, I need your help, what do you think, am I crazy or not? For a quite long time my wife has behaved differently. Obviously she has developed resentment toward me and acted cold, but there's something else I recently started to suspect. I'm trying to find out if I'm being reasonable or not.
I suspect she has someone else:

Exhibit 1)
A month ago she wanted to have a party at our house with her co-workers, and asked if I could leave with the kdis to my mom's, which we did. Why not? I did not like the idea because the house is brand new and I don't know them adn it was bound to be alcohol fueled party but then again, let her have some fun too. So I said yes.

When we came back, she was not home, she was at a grocery store, and I asked who had slept in my bed (on my side). She said she had slept in it because her female friend (co-worker) Slept on the other side. It all looked a bit muffled up, as in done on purpose. But I though OK, nice of her to give her her own side and sleep on mine. Turned out, that our guest room was also filled with 2 other females, and some male co-worker slept in the sauna room. I said OK, it's a big house, why not stay over, especially if they were drunk. Makes sense to me.

Exhibit 2)
After a day I noticed that my pictures were missing. ALl of her own pictures were on the tables but the one of me when I'm 6 and our familiy picture were put away. I asked why they're not there, and she said "it was on the way of the liquor buffet". I figure OK. But then again, we have LOTS of space, tables etc... and they had a trash bag with cans, and they hadn't drank THAT much booze anyway. So I now think she wanted to get rid of all the painful reminders, because NO guest woudl EVER take family pictures away from the table to put their drink on. She just forgot to put them back.

Exhibit 3)
I was looking for a phone charger and found 2 condoms there that were not mine. Sure, they were unused, but they were not mine. This is a weird evidence and partially makes no sense, but regardless, they are not my condoms.

Exhibit 4)
She's on her phone ALL THE TIME (Facebook, email), and keeps getting messages ALL THE TIME. She NEVER leaves the phone on the table, where she goes, the phone follows. She keeps changing her PIN code, which stayed the same for years but now she has taken keen interest on security. I noticed this on accident as she asked me to look up something on her phone and I couldn't get the PIN right. She is one of those "I don't care that everyone know my passwords". Now she does.

Exhibit 5)
She really hates my guts, and is provoking me. For example, when we were in the car, a song came that I really don't like. THe kids said "let's put on kids music!", and I said "yeah let's do that" to which si replied "This is mommy's favourite song" and turned it louder. I cannot understand this except for a provocation. This morning I asked about a charger (we have 2) so I could have one when she leaves tonight for a night out and she got pissed off. I wouldn't understand why it's a hot topic and she said "You ask for it every single day". I said I'm sorry, no reason to get angry. So this exhibit is deliberately getting pissed off at me for no reason at all. If she has a relationship (or has cheated me), she feels bad about it and wants to hate me before leaving me and retroactively making it OK.

Exhibit 6)
She does not wear her wedding ring anymore. Not necessarily final proof, she has skin problems so she does not wear it always. Regardless I haven't seen it in a long time.

Exhibit 7)
The fun night at our house, tje pary, she never ever told anything about it. I asked (I was genuinely interested) if they had fun, what the night was like... and she said "It was fun", and That is all. 2 words and never anything more. She talked over and over about the first party they had with the same crew, but this one? 3 words. This made me think wow, this is weird. But at this point I never suspected foul play, even though I now knew about the pictures and the beds.

Exhibit 8)
I told her that I'd be at Estonia today and tomorrow. I had to cancel the trip so now she had a night out today. Nothing strange in itself except she kept telling me she is going out with her old friedn from school, who she once helped and now she wants to get otu and buy her drinks for that, as she had promised. Might be a coincidense (the dates). AND she will stay at her sister's as it is more convenient (it's not, factually) to get her place after a night out. Now, I'm disgusted she took the kdis and is going for a night out and getting back more or less drunk. Not even asking me if I wanted to take care of the kids. That aside, if she has a relationship, it's doubly disgusting, it's outright evil ****. This I have no proof of though. Nothing strong, just these little hints. It would be easier for her to let the kids be home for her night out, even if her sister was here and I was not, and then for her to get back here. She takes the SAME BUS from the city to her sister's, that would take her here, like 50 meters away from the front door. And yet this is not as convenient. This was strange to me. Except if you DON'T go to your sister's at all... or go there but very late, I hope she won't kiss the kids with that mouth.

Exhibit 9)
Lately, she has come late from work. Like LATE. She gets off at 9PM and used to come home 9.20 because that's how long the drive takes. Now he comes 10PM, even later. Never says why though. Also, it now happens more often that she has to stay overtime, and can come home way later, like after 12PM. Few days ago she texted me it's overtime again, and in the morning said she came like 12PM, but I know she came later, or at least I think she came later, and I as asleep but I woke up to it. I think it was several hours later when she actually came.

Exhibit 10)
Lots of little white lies I have no idea why she keeps giving.

Exhibit 11)
This morning we went fishing and I had to return to get a towel, the house was blasting the song "I LOVE YOU BABYY..." perhaps the weakest exhibit of them all but I thought it was weird. I've never heard her listening to that.

Exhibit 12)
She is now working out like crazy.

Exhibit 13)
So after all these weird instances, I figured I need to find this out. I had asked her if she had another man, she denied it, but people do lie.. if she wants the house (I know she does), this would be so bad for her in all possible ways she would never EVER admit to it, (having sex in our bed, being with another man while I'm going through rough treatments, etc.) because what would her family think? I mean really, or our friends? Or my mother? Her mother? Of course they'd be disgusted. Her friends would be disgusted. So she will NEVER admit to it. I'm now suspectinh she might have a relationship with someone in her work place, which is sick because everyone there knows my illness so the cheater would perfectly well know... and that it is possible she is saying she needs space and to think things over, perhaps move to another place so she can find otu what she wants in life. What I hear is she doesn't want to give up the house, she doesn't want to reveal the relationship, she wants to wait if I die soon so she can then have her fun with the man and come back to the house. Quite a sick and sinister thing, perhaps this is why I have said to myself "this could never be true", and denied it. Now? I'm not sure anymore. I did ask her about the condoms and naturally she got angry, and said "thanks for trusting me", but that only raised my suspicion more. I think she was not genuinely angry, but more like wanted to throw a dart back, making an emotion that she got angry... I don't think she really was angry, but I might be wrong. Then she had to leave early to the night out and take the kids... we were supposed to have another 2 hours, but we didn't. She was genuinely angry just before leaving, she kept screaming at the kids, even my daughter said "don't yell at me!". I think that was more part of her realising I might be on to her and panic.

So after all these not-very-strong-pieces-of--evidence I finally found myself wanting to do something I thought I'd never do: get her laptop and read her email and facebook, just to find the guy, nothing more. If nothing on few first pages, then I'd the paranoid *******. But I could not find her laptop anywhere. She NEVER takes it away with her. NEVER. Actually I'm th eone who always takes the laptop and it has been a topic always, she never takes it. She had two little bags as well, so laptop was one of the most important things to take all that space. I wonder why she needs it if she's going for a night out? I know, she knows I'd crack it open in no time and find out if there's something to be found.

Or I could be wrong. What do you think? None of this is 100 % proof, and I can't just go charging with accusations, today was a bit rough already.

All I know is I'm feeling horrible, I can't eat, think or sleep. Time has stopped.

[Pekka]

Exhibit 14)

2 days after we came back from my mom's (after their part) she wanted to sleep in another room, she has not come back to this date. She said it is because I snore so much, and I told her OK I'll get one of those mouth pieces and she was visibly not happy about that. During this month, no contact, she once came to hug me and looked sad (I know she was thinkign something else though, probably part of her feeling bad for me process). Nothing else.

She never ever stays up with me, she always comes back from work and "I have to go to sleep" and gets almost angry if I ask her to stay up with me for a while. And NEVER EVER are we having sex or kissing or anything.

[Pekka]

My most sinister feelings tell me even more, she is going to therapy soon, but it's not about us. I asked her, demanded, that we nede to see marriage councelling, or couples therapy, what ever it takes so we can get out of this situation and just like with the mouth piece, she reluctantly said "ok".

I think that, plus therapy is a way she wants to retroactively make it OK, all the things in the past. If she wanted to make us alright, we'd go together, so why is she going alone???? I know she feels broken, so I think she needs someone to say to her it's OK to move away, if there's othing else to be done. It's OK to find new love. It's life. And she needs mental help with it.

I KNOW she has nOT told her mom nothing. I know. Her mom has been here helping me, she could not keep a straight face and let this continue. She would be disgusted even at the moment of "I'm too tired to be with him". Let alone cheating game.

[Pekka]

SO yeah, sinister as in going to therapy so she can have the mental resources to move out and keep her fingers on this house.

Why do I think this is possible? Because it would make sense. Then, a couple of months later, she could say she is now over mourning and has founr a new partner close who comforted her during tough time, (co-worker), and that we had agreed naturally her happiness would come first.

I think this is the actual mos tlikely scenario. I hope it's not, because it's sick. And no one would ever know.... of course I don't want to write this to the kids, they would never forgive her.

Exchibit 15)
This is where it all started:
I asked her when she has good days because I'm about to book our long awaited trip to Paris for the honeymoon we never had... that the kids can go to my moms for that time. She wasn't excited at all (it's her favourite city), and "can't we go somewhere closer... I mean we don't really have the money" to which I replied "this was my gift to you, I know it's your favourite city, and I have the money for it, even spending money, you don't have to worry about anything".

To which she wasn't sure. I was "Really? We never went for the trip and I really wanted us to go and I want to go myself too!"... so she said "I don't know if it's a good idea... I mean shouldn't we wait for your results first?" "What difference would that make?" "ahh, forget about it...it wouldn't".

This is the same night she broke out to me she probably is going to leave me soon. Now? She might have made a Freudian with the "shouldn't we wait for th eresults first" and then going back on it, realising it makes no sense what so ever. ****! I hope I'm wrong!!! This would be too evil

[Pekka]

Exhibits 16 and 17)

She has become increasingly hostile toward my mom and dad as well. She never used to, now she is a bit hostile. I talked to my mom that I think my wife is leaving me and I'm devastated, we talked a bit and she told me that she didn't want to say but she acted weirdly toward her recently, something very unlike of her. LIke she was here late at night, helping me with the kids, and she came from work and didn't even say "Hi" or nothing, just went to the kid's room and told them to sleep (they were not sleeping, so she was tired and a bit pissed off). But she could have said Hi or even something.

Exhibit 19)

Like the work outs, she is posting all these cliche type of things to her facebook page now, like "The past has no power over the present moment", I didn't use to think much of it, but put to a new light it's kind of pissing me off. She even took a new tattoo, meaning that very same thing stating that "I've had a difficult past, but I'm over it now". Now I'm thinking it doesn't mean that we have been through a lot together, but that she is over me now. Sickened by that I am.

Exhibit 20)
She needs a good enemy out of me, so she texted me saying she still loves me but doesn't know at what level and how much. That our kids love me very much, but that I'm not the man she fell in love with, and that I have changed, become aggressive and demanding, probably due to my illness, and that she is very scared of that. I have asked from my friends, mom and others if I have changed, they say no, not really. At least not the way she describes. So I don't get it. I have become older for sure and changed like everyone does. Other than that, I don't know what is scary about me.

[Pekka]

Exhibit 21)

She once told me about an opportunity to work part-time at her current job and not lose much money over it. I said cool, we could be more with the kids (and together), and we wouldn't need outside help so much. In fact I think it's a great idea, so if she wants, she can do it.

Then her boss was being difficult about it and I said "I'll call him if he wants to be an ******* and that he has to keep to his word.."

... so anyway now she tells me she didn't like that I forced her to part-time job, which I don't feel like I did, I admit to saying bad things about her boss but so did she...

So 1) she doesn't lose much money over it, 2) gets to work less and better hours (constant worry), as now it's from 9AM to 9PM, so never really seeing the kids 3) me being at home, we could finally do something togehter.

And I actually WAITED FOR THIS!

Now she says it was a big problem. yeah it's a problem if you have a boyfriend there and now work less and different hours. I don't see much anything else that would make sense.

[Pekka]

Exhibit 22)
She has told me now that she has thought about our relationship for months now (and moving to another place for a month), never mentioning it to me in any way, shape or form. So, she just needs a good enemy now. Or at least an *******, enemy is the wrong word. ******* who just doesn't die!

[Bereta_Eder]

I think it could be and it couldn't be what you're thinking.
It's not a big help but what has happened with the disease is clearly a mega shock to everyone. And everyone reacts differently I guess.
Maybe she did find "comfort" somewhere else because the stress was too much and she couldn't cope (and yes, it is reprehensible)
Maybe she is acting weird because of that big shock; that would actually make sense and explain things that are not easily explainable without "having" to have a relationship.
From what you're writing Pekka, and being impossible of course to have the whole picture, she just looks extra scared and that her mind is scattered so to say, because of the whole situation.
I think when people drift apart trust is one of the first things that usually goes out the window and sometimes this is unfair because it doesn't mean that something bad is happening. Just that they are drifting apart.

[kentonio]

Sorry Pekka, but that first story shows pretty much all the signs that she's seeing someone else. Hiding your pictures, not wearing her ring, always on her phone (and being suddenly protective of her passwords) and being secretive all add up to the same thing.

Really sorry you're having to go through this, you deserve to be treated much, much better.

[dannubis]

Pekka, see a lawyer, not to fight but to protect your rights and those of your children.

Regarding your suspicions: to be blunt here, but you shouldn't torture yourself like that. If she is leaving you nothing is going to change that. The faster you accept this and get into this mindset the better. Instead, put effort in being with your children. That is obviously where you get your positive energy from these days.

[rah]

I'm with dannubis on this one. For me the teller (besides the others mentioned) was that she's working out more.

[lightblue]

Is the house in your name or jointly? If it is in your name could you transfer the deed over to your parents or something so it stays in your side of the family?

[pchang]

Do they have private investigators in Finland?

[self biased]

Pekka, see a lawyer, not to fight but to protect your rights and those of your children.

Regarding your suspicions: to be blunt here, but you shouldn't torture yourself like that. If she is leaving you nothing is going to change that. The faster you accept this and get into this mindset the better. Instead, put effort in being with your children. That is obviously where you get your positive energy from these days.

A billionty times this.