Please don't take this too seriously.

[DaShi]

Are you being an ******* deliberately? Do you miss ben and want to fill in his spot?

I was being an ******* deliberately.

Sorry, Lori, I just wasn't taking your condition seriously.

[Lorizael]

I don't understand how someone can complain that their leg hurts if it wasn't flayed off by a school of angry piranhas.

[DaShi]

I don't understand how someone can complain that their leg hurts if it wasn't flayed off by a school of angry piranhas.

Exactly! This is all I'm saying.

[self biased]

I don't understand how someone can complain that their leg hurts if it wasn't flayed off by a school of angry piranhas.

Luxury. We used to have to get out of the lake at six o'clock in the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of 'ot gravel, work twenty hour day at mill for tuppence a month, come home, and Dad would thrash us to sleep with a broken bottle, if we were lucky!

[Bereta_Eder]

and then, there are some who don't say that it is luxury. :/

[N35t0r]

The answer to DaShi is the same as the answer to BK: STOP READING. Ignore. Do not click to view post. Haven't read a damn thing he said since Xmas, and lemme tell you, it's liberating. You look at the grey block and say, "Hmm, you very likely put a certain amount of effort into being a douche with that post--for reasons I don't entirely understand--and you know what? I'm not gonna read it! Your effort is wasted. Lalala!"

I don't have DaShi on ignore. He isn't BK-bad, and sometimes is funny. Hell, I generally don't mind assholish posts, but when it's an assholish post about a fellow poster's health (on a subject that happens to hit close to home), I like to respond appropiately.

[DaShi]

And I'm glad that you did. If I cross the line, I should be called out.

[Lorizael]

Weeeeee. ****'s good. Totally done with this thread for awhile. I totally made like a breakthrough this week. Stemming from my dumb argument with EBF. Me deciding to quit my job and focus on school. Talking to my therapist today. And me repeating this story to myself the past week, this story that maybe, just maybe, Lori has actually ****ing made real changes in the last 6.5 years, that Lori is not the same goddamn person he's been forever. And like, I think I actually believe this crazy story. Hahaha. Now I just have to tell myself to shut the **** up and keep going whenever I have a setback and my response is to whine about how I never make permanent progress and I always regress and yadda yadda. That's ****ing bull****, and I ****ing know it.

August 2003, I had philosophical revelations that formed the bedrock of all my beliefs (and I made a **** ton of personal changes, some lasting a short while (like conquering my arachnophobia) and others leaving a lasting impression on who I was).

September 2008, I stopped being friends with the EBF and decided I was going to have a goddamn better life.

January 2015, I finally managed to convince myself that I've actually made real progress, and that I'm not the depressed little **** I was in middle school ready to kill himself over some chick. What happens next? We'll ****ing see. It's going to be ****ing rad, though. Weeee.

(Thanks, poly people.)

[Aeson]

This thread has taken a very strange turn.

[N35t0r]

See Lori, you can even make spambots happy

[pchang]

Congratulations.

[Jon Miller]

Weeeeee. ****'s good. Totally done with this thread for awhile. I totally made like a breakthrough this week. Stemming from my dumb argument with EBF. Me deciding to quit my job and focus on school. Talking to my therapist today. And me repeating this story to myself the past week, this story that maybe, just maybe, Lori has actually ****ing made real changes in the last 6.5 years, that Lori is not the same goddamn person he's been forever. And like, I think I actually believe this crazy story. Hahaha. Now I just have to tell myself to shut the **** up and keep going whenever I have a setback and my response is to whine about how I never make permanent progress and I always regress and yadda yadda. That's ****ing bull****, and I ****ing know it.

August 2003, I had philosophical revelations that formed the bedrock of all my beliefs (and I made a **** ton of personal changes, some lasting a short while (like conquering my arachnophobia) and others leaving a lasting impression on who I was).

September 2008, I stopped being friends with the EBF and decided I was going to have a goddamn better life.

January 2015, I finally managed to convince myself that I've actually made real progress, and that I'm not the depressed little **** I was in middle school ready to kill himself over some chick. What happens next? We'll ****ing see. It's going to be ****ing rad, though. Weeee.

(Thanks, poly people.)

It is probably not to late to go to your doctor and show her this:

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/rave-drug-special-k-holds-promise-for-treating-depression-fast/

A physics friend told me taking Special-K made him see an infinite tensor of metal triangular shapes... probably the only 'drug experience' that has sounded interesting to me.

JM

[Lorizael]

i just sent this email to my therapist.

hi lori's therapist,

whenever i reach out to you because i need help, i try to, by writing it out, momentarily achieve some distance from the problem. i can't do that right now. so...

i can get to work. but that's about it. the prospect of losing my job induces fear and shame, which pushes me to read over the words i wrote down and distill enough strength from them to get myself to work. but i don't really want to be here, and i have no interest in just going to work to make enough money to survive so that i can... go to work. what's the ****ing point.

we talked about how there are some things, like writing, that i will be glad i did after i do them. so this idea in my head that there's nothing worth doing is a lie. and that's true for those activities which are part of who i want to be. but it's not true for the vast majority of activities from which i might derive pleasure.

one of the most frustrating experiences for me right now is mustering the willpower to... click play on a ****ing netflix show... enjoying the hour that i spend doing that, and then almost immediately feeling that joy and energy drain away when the show is done and i'm left alone with my thoughts again. i can't distract myself constantly. and if i can barely find the strength to watch tv, what hope is there that i can get myself to do something that requires real effort like editing my short stories.

- lori

i really wanted to never post in this thread again, but i am not okay. i'm back on antidepressants, but they don't seem to be doing anything yet. 2017 was a bad year. now that i'm no longer in school, i really don't know what to do with myself.

[rah]

Wish I had the magic answer for you but there isn't one.
Work to pay the bills. Most people have no choice but to do that because others count on them.
Others don't currently rely on you so you have a reasonable amount of freedom there.
And don't define yourself from what you do for a living. Too many people make that mistake and are lost when that definition disappears.

IF you like writing, do that in your spare time and take pleasure from it.

I know it's not a solution but I wish you well. Keep visiting here, since people here appreciate your humor and insights.

[Lorizael]

Thanks, rah.

And don't define yourself from what you do for a living. Too many people make that mistake and are lost when that definition disappears.

I've been defining myself as a dude with a goal the last few years. That served me much better than my previous identity as some crazy depressed schmuck. Well, I achieved that goal, so now...