Dating a Friend's ex

[Kidlicious]

Actually it's called "having an IQ running into three digits.

IQ has nothing to do with obsessive compulsive behavior.

[self biased]

They are right, your feelings don't matter.

Your friend may or may not have been porking your ex wife, too. May or may not, doesn't mean ****.

End your friendship with them if you can't deal with it. Just remember, he was there for you after your divorce, so if you end it, he was a better friend to you than you are to him.

ACK!

you mean my friend's feelings don't matter? all these years i've been laboring under the false pretense that being a good friend to someone includes not doing things that hurt their feelings, and taking responsibility for when i do?

[Tuberski]

you mean my friend's feelings don't matter? all these years i've been laboring under the false pretense that being a good friend to someone includes not doing things that hurt their feelings, and taking responsibility for when i do?

You mean like ending a friendship because you're butthurt that he's dating your ex?

You have every right to be hurt by it, you don't have the right to expect them to base their relationship on your feelings.

ACK!

[Donegeal]

Get over it. My brother married one of my prom dates and I married his first girlfriend.

[self biased]

nice backpedaling, tuberski.

perhaps i've been exaggerating my position, but in no way do i expect them to base their relationship based on my feelings. They certainly didn't make the choice that i would have.

[Koyaanisqatsi]

you mean my friend's feelings don't matter? all these years i've been laboring under the false pretense that being a good friend to someone includes not doing things that hurt their feelings, and taking responsibility for when i do?

Friendship is not an obligation. If you treat it as such, a lot of things will go wrong. At the times when you are given priority you should treat it as a gift; at the times when you are not you shouldn't get upset about it. Same rules go the other way: if you are nice to somebody you're doing it because you want to be nice to them, not because it's a rule of being their friend. Yes, you should take responsibility when there is a conflict, but what exactly does "taking responsibility" mean to you in this situation? You told them they'd be upset, they did it anyway...unless they hid the relationship or deceived you in some way, they took responsibility. Do you really expect them to lay tribute at your feet for wronging you?

[Bugs ****ing Bunny]

all these years i've been laboring under the false pretense that being a good friend to someone includes not doing things that hurt their feelings, and taking responsibility for when i do?

Depends on how reasonable your feelings are. For instance, if you went "OK, we're great friends- but if you ever convert to Buddhism or eat marzipan my feelings will be hurt and we can never be friends again" you'd get the long, hard stare.

[self biased]

...unless they hid the relationship or deceived you in some way

this, partly. at one point she had said that my friendship with him was more important than them as an item (this was before they became an item). then she went and did the exact opposite of what she preached.

[Koyaanisqatsi]

Unless they continued to hide it beyond the point where they were actually a thing (plus maybe a short period of not saying anything until they were sure it was more than a one-time deal since if they didn't need to upset you they'd try to avoid it)...so? That's not deception, that's just making a statement that turned out to be wrong. Would you rather they stick to a statement that's wrong in the face of the facts on the ground out of an obligation to you?

[OneFootInTheGrave]

WTF

Are you saying that you should have any kind of influence on your friends and your exgirlfriends life ????

Forget it, that isn't your business.

This = eurocom view, and I second it.

On the other hand - remove yourself from them, if it is painful, I hope it can be done.

[Tuberski]

nice backpedaling, tuberski.

perhaps i've been exaggerating my position, but in no way do i expect them to base their relationship based on my feelings. They certainly didn't make the choice that i would have.

Backpedaling on what? I didn't say anything about your friend's feelings.

ACK!

[Aeson]

no ****? my feelings are hurt because my friends decided my feelings weren't important.

From their perspective it would be much the same thing. When you asked them not to pursue their own feelings, you were essentially saying that your feelings are more important to you than their's are. Their response seems to have been ~similar. This is perfectly normal from all sides.

I think you should view this as an opportunity for self improvement and to improve the basis for your current relationship. It sounds like you haven't fully moved on yet, which has implications on your current relationship. How can you give your current love all that she deserves if you are still acting possessive towards a past love?

You need to get over that past to have a healthy future. "Forgiving" (I personally don't think there's actually anything to forgive, thus the quotes) your friend and ex for having a relationship is a good way to go about progressing towards that.

[self biased]

From their perspective it would be much the same thing. When you asked them not to pursue their own feelings, you were essentially saying that your feelings are more important to you than their's are. Their response seems to have been ~similar. This is perfectly normal from all sides.

except i in no way asked such a thing of them.

[Kidlicious]

There are other people they can date. They should know better.

[Aeson]

except i in no way asked such a thing of them.

"i told them that i wasn't really cool with that"

At best, you're talking about a straightforward request that you want them to respect your feelings in the matter rather than follow their own feelings for each other. At worst, you were using a passive-aggressive ploy to make them feel guilty enough not to follow their feelings for each other.

Either case is obviously putting your own feelings ahead of their feelings for each other, regardless of whether you think doing so was justified or not. Man up and accept responsibility for your actions and your feelings. You feel bad because you haven't fully let go of your ex yet. Work on that problem (for the sake of yourself and your current/future partners), rather than trying to obfuscate it by pointing fingers and denying your culpability.