How Many Times Have You Been in Love?

[Al B. Sure!]

Anyway, yall little discussion about women caring about physical looks is BS. Women don't really care about that. Yeah, they can go gaga over a Brad Pitt or something but women are more concerned with status than looks.

Status makes men more attractive.

[Egbert]

Pining for one person is senseless. You do that for a long time and they just keep rejecting you or they treat you like **** because you will do anything for them...

This sums up why you have been getting no where with the chicks. The general idea is to get them to like you, not turning yourself into a doormat with approval seeking behaviours towards her.

[giblets]

Anyway, yall little discussion about women caring about physical looks is BS. Women don't really care about that. Yeah, they can go gaga over a Brad Pitt or something but women are more concerned with status than looks.

Status makes men more attractive.

Or the things that are often appealing to women can also be helpful in acquiring status?

[Cort Haus]

Status is a variable, Al. Along with all the other variables such as looks, money, power, intelligence, charisma, humour, wit, charm, strength, body, sporting ability, eloquence, sensitivity, generosity and many other tangible and intangible ones. Women (perhaps outside of your little universe) are actually different, and do not all seek the same combination and priority of attributes.

Stop being reductionist and assuming that women are all the same, and all one-dimensional. I've never had much in the way of status, and I've never had any problems. And don't say, as I think you've said before, that this means that the women I've been with are not up to much because that's insulting bollocks.

[Traianvs]

Why not see what you can do to repair your relationship?

I mean, I think most people have times when they need to repair their relationship. Often one person has to really go out there to try to make things work (and of course, both people need to put effort into trying to make things work).

JM

Unfortunately no. She has passed the point of no return already. We've talked it through extensively, and it turns out that whatever I do it wouldn't matter anymore. I tried to repair things obviously, but that actually made her feel worse, given the fact that she'd made the decision already. Though she still cares for me, she no longer feels in love with me.

I admit that I'm not the traditional romantic type and as a consequence I didn't pay enough attention to her, I didn't take enough of her feelings into account. On the other hand the reason I liked her was her independence and her strength, but that was just an illusion. The fact that I didn't see this correctly is pretty much why I'm to blame. Bah. But damnit, in things like this women should just be plain and clear about them. It's all one big communication breakdown, and it hasn't got anything to do with our actual love for eachother in my view. But she sees things differently of course.

There's that, and the fact that because she missed 'something' she became 'more open' to others wooing her. Meaning,... that she fell in love with some ****er I know personally, and worst of all it more or less happened in front of my very own ****ing eyes.

I could've changed my ways a long time ago, you know as they say: a year from now you wish you'd started today. As I'm aware right now of everything I should've done differently, it's especially frustrating. The reason I'm not a total wreck right now is because I wouldn't ever do what she did to me here. I'm better and stronger than that.

We live together. It's not like it's particularly easy to find cheap and decent housing around here. It's not like I'm a good earner (working for an NGO now) so I'm pretty much ****ed if I can't find some people to share rent with.

Oh well.

/vent

[Lorizael]

I admit that I'm not the traditional romantic type and as a consequence I didn't pay enough attention to her, I didn't take enough of her feelings into account. On the other hand the reason I liked her was her independence and her strength, but that was just an illusion.

Man, that sounds really ****ing familiar.

[Jon Miller]

Though she still cares for me, she no longer feels in love with me.

It likely wouldn't have worked anyways I think that people generally will come to a point like this in their relationship, maybe after 10 or 20 years even.

The right thing to do is try to rekindle it.

The problem is she wants to leave you, to go to someone else.

And of course, then it can't work.

Sorry.

JM

[Jon Miller]

I have seen times when someone has tried to woo a girl who was completely unresponsive and said that their relationship was over for 2 months, and end up successful.

So if you really do love her, try to change her mind.

It might take a few months or even a year, but it might be possible.

You won't know unless you try.

(what you are looking to do is change what she wants)

(note that many people think that 'oh, I no longer am in love with person, I will leave'... if you and your girlfriend feel this way it won't work for life likely... so I would recommend trying to change that thought)

JM

[dannubis]

Unfortunately no. She has passed the point of no return already. We've talked it through extensively, and it turns out that whatever I do it wouldn't matter anymore. I tried to repair things obviously, but that actually made her feel worse, given the fact that she'd made the decision already. Though she still cares for me, she no longer feels in love with me.

I admit that I'm not the traditional romantic type and as a consequence I didn't pay enough attention to her, I didn't take enough of her feelings into account. On the other hand the reason I liked her was her independence and her strength, but that was just an illusion. The fact that I didn't see this correctly is pretty much why I'm to blame. Bah. But damnit, in things like this women should just be plain and clear about them. It's all one big communication breakdown, and it hasn't got anything to do with our actual love for eachother in my view. But she sees things differently of course.

There's that, and the fact that because she missed 'something' she became 'more open' to others wooing her. Meaning,... that she fell in love with some ****er I know personally, and worst of all it more or less happened in front of my very own ****ing eyes.

I could've changed my ways a long time ago, you know as they say: a year from now you wish you'd started today. As I'm aware right now of everything I should've done differently, it's especially frustrating. The reason I'm not a total wreck right now is because I wouldn't ever do what she did to me here. I'm better and stronger than that.

We live together. It's not like it's particularly easy to find cheap and decent housing around here. It's not like I'm a good earner (working for an NGO now) so I'm pretty much ****ed if I can't find some people to share rent with.

Oh well.

/vent

Yes, everything will suck for a while. How long will be entirely up to you (I took 2.5 years to get over my first girlfriend). Then you will find another (or the same) soulmate and restart. This process is called life.

In the mean time, you have my sympathies.

[MikeH]

Pining for one person is senseless. You do that for a long time and they just keep rejecting you or they treat you like **** because you will do anything for them... then after you finally move on, you start pining for another person and repeating the senseless cycle of being a sucker to these females.

Until you realize, wait a second... I thought this woman was my angel and she wasn't but this one surely is my true angel but no she rejects me... but wait a second... why am I thinking I'm madly in love with this woman when, if history is a guide, when I'm forced to finally move on, I will fall madly in love with the next woman...

And then it hits you that what you think is love is false and that you will be just as happy with any of hundreds of women as with any particular woman you pined over.

You are totally correct that what you are describing isn't love, it's infatuation.

A potential partner is most importantly a friend, someone you get on really well with, enjoy hanging around with, can talk to easily. They are a person with just as many flaws, insecurities and idiosyncrasies as you. And yeah, communication is vital, talk talk talk. And most importantly, listen listen listen. To verbal and non verbal cues. It's obvious when anyone, male or female is unhappy or pissed off, if you are actually paying attention.

[Lorizael]

They are a person with just as many flaws, insecurities and idiosyncrasies as you.

I must be doing something wrong, then, because so far I've met no one with more flaws, insecurities, or idiosyncrasies than I.

[MikeH]

Never been to a Poly meet?!

[dannubis]

You are totally correct that what you are describing isn't love, it's infatuation.

A potential partner is most importantly a friend, someone you get on really well with, enjoy hanging around with, can talk to easily. They are a person with just as many flaws, insecurities and idiosyncrasies as you. And yeah, communication is vital, talk talk talk. And most importantly, listen listen listen. To verbal and non verbal cues. It's obvious when anyone, male or female is unhappy or pissed off, if you are actually paying attention.

While communication is vital, I absolutely disagree with the latter.

[MikeH]

Which latter? This?

It's obvious when anyone, male or female is unhappy or pissed off, if you are actually paying attention.

I stand by that.

[dannubis]

Then why oh why do so many relations fail ?