If You Were Going To Be Another Colo(u)r, What Would You Choose?

[SlowwHand]

I think blue would be OK. That little smurf girl has it going on. I don't know how representative she is of the whole culture, but it's worth a gamble.

[Al B. Sure!]

Who is this little smurf girl that has it going on? Smurfette?

Anyway, did you know that SMURF stands for Soviet Men Under Red Father?

[SlowwHand]

In bizarro world?

And yes, Smurfette.

[Imran Siddiqui]

Well the smurfs do resemble a socialist commune

[SlowwHand]

Smurfs aren't socialists. Don't even try it.

Besides, you're supposed to name your own choice, not be a bigot against blues.

[Guynemer]

Toss up between green and blue, mostly because of all the fine, fine green and blue chicks in various and sundry scifi franchises.

[KrazyHorse]

Why would I want to be another colo(u)r? I'm white.

[Al B. Sure!]

Smurfs were communist.

First of all, the Smurfs shared everything. The food in the Smurf village was stored away in those mushrooms the minute it was harvested and then equally distributed to all the Smurfs throughout the year. No one "farmer Smurf" sold his crop to a "consumer Smurf," or saw his labor exploited by another. It was understood that the crop was for the entire Smurf population, not for the sale or profit of one Smurf alone.

Then there were those jobs each Smurf held. There was Handy Smurf, and Painter Smurf, and Brainy Smurf, etc... Each Smurf had his own specific job and was not allowed to try his hand at any other Smurf's assigned task. There actually was an episode where each Smurf tried to do another one's job, and failed. The moral of the story was apparently "Stick to what you do Best" or to put it another way, stick to what the society has chosen for you, or maybe just "You'll get what you get and like it!" Handy Smurf was always building. Painter Smurf was always painting. Everyone accepted what they were and didn't ask questions.

Some other evidence I've gathered may strain the limits of credibility. Decide for yourself: Papa Smurf wore a red cap. All the Smurfs were the same color and sang the same song everywhere they went - stressing their Smurfy unity. Didn't you catch yourself singing that song as a kid? I know you did. Everyone did. Everyone.

The most compelling evidence that the Smurfs were communists comes from their relationship to the arch-villian Gargamel. If you remember, the only thing that Gargamel wanted the Smurfs for was for his own profit. In the first four or five seasons, Gargamel's master plan was to catch the Smurfs, boil them, and turn them into gold. For some reason, in the later years when the show was dying, they started saying that he wanted to eat the poor blue creatures, but for the most part he wanted to turn them into gold. He didn't care about the Smurfs themselves, their culture, or their well-being. All he cared about was getting gold. His only interest in how to get rich, and nothing, nothing would get in his way.

Gargamel was a capitalist.

The evil antagonist of the Smurfs was the ultimate capitalist, terrorizing the peaceful good little communist Smurf community. It all starts to fit together doesn't it?

Upon immediate reflection, who could find any imperfections in the colony of a hundred or so blue elves? They were never violent, they never swore, and to the best of my knowledge there was never any nudity in the Smurf village. Children and parents alike were lulled into complacency by this seeming Smurf-topia, only to be blinded to a harsher reality. The Smurfs were communists. "Communists?!", you say. It's hard to believe, and trust me, it was hard for me to accept, as all of my most cherished childhood fantasies were smashed to bits. It was only quite recently, whilst I was engaged in a heated discussion about the wide variety of devious strategies Scooby Doo employs to teach children the fine art of bribery (a lesson for another day,) that I flashed back to the days when cartoons were actually more important to me than sex, and I remembered my beloved Smurfs. Once I began to ponder upon the behaviors of the Smurfs I was forced to realize the truth and the whole "Commie Smurf" theory, as I like to call it, spiralled out of control quite naturally from there.

Karl Marx's Communist Manifesto is an excellent source of supporting evidence for my "Commie Smurf" theory, although Das Kapital remains a far more entertaining bathroom book. Now, I know it can be difficult to differentiate between the philosophies of communism and socialism, for they often go hand in hand. However, we must take care not to confuse the Smurfs with the wretched victims of Stalinism, or a lumpen-proletariat attempting to overthrow the bourgeoisie through class warfare, and please perish the thought of the sickle and hammer as a Smurf icon. Rather, think of communism as a way of life, a social arrangement, if you will. Let's begin with the word "communist." What epistemological root word stands out? "Commune." The Smurfs live together in a small communal village, occasionally retiring to their mushroom huts; no Smurf ever leaves, and no new ones ever arrive. The Smurf village is an independent city-state of sorts, and every citizen is fiercely devoted to preserving the harmony of the entire community. In the Manifesto, Marx says, "In this sense the theory of the Communists may be summed up in a simple sentence: Abolition of private property." Well, all Smurf lands and territories belonged to all of the Smurfs, and there was no way in Hell that any single Smurf could even think of getting away with claiming a plot of land for himself or his own personal benefit or profit.

Land wasn't all the Smufrs shared. Food and provisions were stored in the communal mushroom-shaped huts and were distributed in equal portions to each and every Smurf throughout the year. Farmer Smurf didn't sell his crops to individual Smurfs; it was understood that whatever he grew was for everyone, not for the profit of a single individual Smurf. Each Smurf worked for the common good, another principle of Marx's: Baker Smurf was the universal chef, feeding hungry Smurf mouths, Handy Smurf was there for whoever needed a shelf built or screw tightened, etc.

Individual Smurf occupations are also an important indication that the Smurfs were indeed communists. Whatever their position in the village, be it Painter or Baker, they were allowed only that position and having multiple functions in society was completely out of the question. One episode depicted the Smurfs switching jobs. Vanity Smurf tried to paint, Poet Smurf tried to build, etc. Of course hilarity ensued, but the results were absolutely disastrous for the Smurfs. The moral of that episode was "Stick to what you do best" or to put it in more communistic terms, do the job you have been assigned and don't ask any questions. Another episode depicted the arrival of a new Smurf (Out-of-town Smurf?,) but he was promptly ousted because he had nothing of value to contribute to the common good of the village.

Now, with these incisive revelations in mind, remove yourself from the "Smurf-centric" mindset, and ponder Gargamel for a moment. Gargamel, that bitter, cranky, constipated old sorcerer who lived in the castle overlooking the Smurf village, was their archenemy. But who would be the most terrifying enemy of a village of elfin blue communists? Why a greedy capitalist, of course! Gargamel's main plan for the Smurfs was to capture them and turn them into gold. He sought only personal wealth and prosperity, the primary goal of all capitalists. He was completely indifferent to the ethical consequences of his actions, which would almost certainly result in the complete and utter destruction of the unity of the Smurf social order. Gargamel was greedy and egocentric, creating a dramatic juxtaposition to the Smurfs, who shared and were concerned with the welfare of all their brethren.

Rejection of the intelligentsia is yet another strategy for communist revolution suggested by Marx and effectively employed by the Smurf community. Brainy Smurf was the "square" Smurf, always with his blue nose buried in a book, always spouting off some confounding scientific mumbo-jumbo (note an eerie similarity to the Professor on Gilligan's Island.) Since communism stresses unity through equality, anyone with arcane knowledge of matters which are beyond the scope of comprehension of the village idiot, must be classified as a dissident with the capability to disrupt the common good of the entire social order.

[SlowwHand]

I'll point out one obvious thing that shows that, while a humorous article, it's bull****.
Baby Smurfs. It says there was no nudity. Explain baby Smurfs then.

No, don't. Just name your choice.

[Ben Kenobi]

Wow, missed opportunity for a poll.

[SlowwHand]

I couldn't really do a poll. I guess I could have done one, but sure as hell someone would have said, "You didn't put magenta as an option". I didn't need the aggravation.

[Guynemer]

Who you kidding, Tex? If wanted to avoid aggravation, you'd never post in the OT.

[SlowwHand]

I didn't come here of my own free will. I was dragged here, kicking and screaming, by Ming. I was dedicated to Civ II and Game League and Ming, the bastard, moved a post of mine.
I went ballistic and got banned. The first of many to follow. Those days are behind me. I don't let things bother me now.

[Guynemer]

I hadn't realized that you had discovered your inner Buddha nature.

Good on ya, Sloww. I feel free to make fun of Texas indiscriminately again.

[OzzyKP]