How To Get a PhD if you are Retarded

[Ecofarm]

Theses can be largely descriptive (critical objective summaries), but should not aim for such. Dissertations are not interested in description beyond that which directly impacts data.

[Bugs ****ing Bunny]

internationally reknown agricultural research institution :P

That's a contradiction in terms.

[DaShi]

I bookmarked this thread

It's very valuable.

Now how to be a successful PhD professor for masters students:

1. Don't do any research (the fewer publications the better. If you have more than 1 paper where you are first author in a ten year span, you are doing it wrong)

2. Network all the time. This makes you look busy. Sure, you are spending half your day at a coffee shop, but as far as everyone else knows, you're in a busy meeting.

3. Kiss up to undergrads. They are young and naive and generally won't see that you're a phony.

4. Pay off grad students. Be the "friend" professor. The David Brent of academics. Host at least one "happy hour" a month.

5. Radically change your research interests on a yearly basis. That way you can always cover up your ignorance by saying that your just getting into the field.

[Ecofarm]

Damn, that's harsh but rings true.

Although, I would not disparage someone for lack of publications. I've an advisor that is far more interested in high-quality teaching/classes and people don't get tenure for that. If we want to improve the quality of teaching, we need to base tenure on something other than just publishing. I know of professors who publish prolifically and achieved tenure in the fast lane, but they are not exceptional teachers.

[DaShi]

He teaches one class a semester. One of them is an undergrad class, the other is a class for masters students that few enroll in.

[Ben Kenobi]

I know of professors who publish prolifically and achieved tenure in the fast lane, but they are not exceptional teachers.

Easier to find teachers than researchers.

[Ecofarm]

As I've never been interested in remaining within the ivory tower, I've not paid much attention to them; however, I've 5 advisors (2 retired but teaching a class or two) who are all accomplished publishers and exceptional teachers. We get to pick our committee.

In my master's, the department found an advisor for each of us (mine was pretty good, an ethnoarchaeologist) but one's advisor need not be a major factor in a largely descriptive study. He supplied some great sources (Netting and Stone).

In my Phd, I've had classes with all of my committee and they have intimate knowledge of my background, work, interests and intentions.

[DaShi]

6. Be condescending and insulting to the students you advise. Remember, pointing out grammar mistakes is much easier than thoughtful analysis of their work. A good tip: if you find one grammar mistake, tell the student that he did it several more times throughout the paper, even if he didn't. This makes the student feel more like an idiot rather than just someone who misplaced one comma, and you get to feel like a big man.

[Ecofarm]

That's a good tip. I'm gonna use it for sure, in some context.

[DaShi]

As I've never been interested in remaining within the ivory tower, I've not paid much attention to them; however, I've 5 advisors (2 retired but teaching a class or two) who are all accomplished publishers and exceptional teachers. We get to pick our committee.

In my master's, the department found an advisor for each of us (mine was pretty good, an ethnoarchaeologist) but one's advisor need not be a major factor in a largely descriptive study. He supplied some great sources (Netting and Stone).

In my Phd, I've had classes with all of my committee and they have intimate knowledge of my background, work, interests and intentions.

My advisor once proposed a summer research plan that involved going to people's houses and directly testing them for disease. Apparently, this would let us know the number of missed cases, despite requiring a huge sample size, funds beyond what any masters student could obtain, lengthy follow up, and correcting for bias in the intervention. Then it would still be limited to a region non-generalizable to the rest of the country and never really answer the question he proposed. I told him I'd think about it.

[DaShi]

Also, our resident sociopath won a best poster award.

I don't know if I'm more jealous of the award or that she's a sociopath.

[Ecofarm]

Epidemiology?

[DaShi]

Sadly, yes. And they are wondering why I won't touch it beyond internship and thesis. Actually, to be fair, I've had a bad experience. Epi is rather interesting. I'd just rather be in policy where the work in more interesting, fulfilling, and pays better.

[Ecofarm]

At least they don't have a "Heart of Darkness"-like display of dead bodies on sticks in their fridges, like entomologists.

[DaShi]

I wish they did. That would save me from having to go to bars on the weekends.