So, I have a tumor

[DaShi]

DM, not yet. I have talked to the surgeon though who said it's not a bad sign but that they fully expect it to be like was first analyzed - a very slowly developing non-cancerous and non-symptomous tumor. It might be exotic though, so still waiting.

CO, I've moved from Turku (not sure if I've told you), but if that's true, it's not fair, it her spleen. Who knows, it's part of her so not only is it something that should be hers to keep, it might be felt as a loss even though some shrink might disagree, but then again many shrinks buy into Oidipus-complex and regression being the the only to cause and effect for all adult mental problems. Maybe the doc thought it's not healthy, but it's not unhealthy either and it's her, so who is the doctor to deny this, I think they were just weirded out by the request.

I was thinking about the tumor-in-the-jar-thing as well. I half-seriously thought it would be cool to beat it first and then to have it in a jar in the bookshelf. Not like (or unlike) the whole fetuses in the jars thing. Not in a horror movie type of a way, but more like a science/important part of me/victory/etc sign. I bet it doesn't even look that gross to begin with. And it would remind me every day how lucky I have been when I feel unlucky or whine about something.

I was under the impression that I might be able to get it should I want to, the surgeon first of all is a really service oriented and likes me, plus he said that they videotaped it and asking my permission for it, so I know I could get that, I don't see any reason why I couldn't get the tumor, or part of it, should I want it. Maybe it would be a question of "well you need to have someone put it in the jar for you". But that's just arrangements.

You should feed it and see what it grows into.

[Pekka]

Well, I just got news from pathology. It's not good news. To cut it short, people with this kind of a tumor have it back with symptoms in 5 years, and in general live 10-17 years. It is not curable and cannot be operated as such. There's medicine to keep the symptoms in check in order to live a normal life for as long as possible, but so far there's nothing for it. So, right now I'm looking at those figures and hoping that science advances, which in "I had a death sentence"-retrospect is likely. At least I hope so.

But I thought I was 100 % cured and was going through this formality in this process so I'm a bit stunned at the moment. I'll fight it though, regardless.

[MikeH]

That's bad news but you keep fighting. And who knows what progress medicine will bring in the next 5/10/17 years!

[rah]

Yeah, and since you're exceptional, you may be an exception yet. Good luck.

[SlowwHand]

Advances are being made at an exceptional rate for cancer. By no means give up.
You're right. You bought time, that's good. Let the researchers work.

[Pekka]

Advances are being made at an exceptional rate for cancer. By no means give up.
You're right. You bought time, that's good. Let the researchers work.

This is very true. THis is what keeps me somewhat optimist and feeling OK at the moment. It is realistic that some advances are made, at least that the treatments gets better and life span furthered. I would find it unlikely that no advances whatsoever are made in this particular type I have, especially when they have speculation about the gene mutation/deletion that happens in it. Regardless I'm afraid.

I have other news as well. It seems that my SO is pregnant. Naturally good news, but now I'm a bit scared because my left side of the brain calculates that well I'll have a child and now they might become fatherless too early. But it is a reason to fight even harder. It DOES feel positive, that there is a child on the way. In fact it feels like a blessing in a way, but at the same time I feel selfish, as in now I must live.

I feel betrayed in some way. I had few weeks of time thinking I was cured. My thoughts were wild, I felt relief watching TV and seeing old people saying to myself "I'll get there as well for sure". I looked at my scar on my head, thinking it as a sign of victory. Now the scar repulses me.

I try to avoid asking "why me?". It's not the why, it's the OK what's next that counts. The truth is, at least in my head, that this particular field is competed both in research as well as pharma, and it's only a question of time, and the best time so far in human history with this condition is RIGHT NOW. 10 years earlier even CT/MRI scans weren't that spreaded out, today, it's the norm. Thinking about brain tumor without these scans and everything related seems so ancient to me, as if time before there was no pain killers, morphin or anything. In this light, if I get closer yo 17 years, I might have excellent chances. Now it's again a long long time. Of course with bad luck it might be 10 years, or 5 years, but I do get regular scans now and unless I become statistically unfortunate in the already unfortunate category, I guess that'll just be something that just is.

Next I'll talk to some oncologists(?), who know about these tumors and hopefully will be able to answer many of my questions. Overall I still feel a bit lucky. It's still non-cancerous, it's still slow, it was still operated out of my head with success, and it still functions or functioned in an area that doesn't affect my daily functions, cognition, personality, memory etc. This means I have a chance to live fairly normally, possibly for a long time, and get even better stuff along the way once time passes, and I might be a father soon as well.

[Felch]

If **** gets hairy, just start robbing banks. Either you die in a hail of police gunfire(), or you're caught and can claim insanity as a result of a tumor pressing against your head.

[notyoueither]

Damn.

Keep the spirits up, Pekka. You've got a lot to live for. Maybe you will be another statistical anomoly, like your fight record.

Congratulations on the child.

[Pekka]

Damn.

Keep the spirits up, Pekka. You've got a lot to live for. Maybe you will be another statistical anomoly, like your fight record.

Congratulations on the child.

Thanks. It's weird. Like I might be a father soon. Still, the circumstances are so that this is all weird. I'm definitely happy about it. My worst nightmare would be right now to be alone without anyone. Now, I have SO that is taking care of me and is wonderful. At the end of it, it's all that matters. I can live a 100 year life without doing anything, isolate myself and be miserable, or I can live few decades, raise a family and be happy. Which life would I choose? The shorter one. THis is not the end. This is the beginning of the new, in which I truly evaluate what I want to do and so forth. I already made few decisions that themselves were difficult before but now they seem obvious and extremely easy. I feel this is an opportunity to be happy, become wiser, and do something that counts. I think this is a time when I get to do the stuff that I would regret not doing when I grew old and lived a boring life.

I'm not a terminal patient per se. There's always hope. I know this is starting to sound korny but I don't care. I can either become miserable and kill myself and call it control of my own life, or I can be happy and do something that counts. I'd rather choose the last option. And fact is, this field develops rapidly. It would be amazing to see no advances at all should I live this estimated 10 to 17 years.

[RGBVideo]

Like I might be a father soon.

O_o SuperCitizen II: the Son of SuperCitizen?

[Theben]

Keep up the good fight. You never know.

[notyoueither]

Thanks. It's weird. Like I might be a father soon. Still, the circumstances are so that this is all weird. I'm definitely happy about it. My worst nightmare would be right now to be alone without anyone. Now, I have SO that is taking care of me and is wonderful. At the end of it, it's all that matters. I can live a 100 year life without doing anything, isolate myself and be miserable, or I can live few decades, raise a family and be happy. Which life would I choose? The shorter one. THis is not the end. This is the beginning of the new, in which I truly evaluate what I want to do and so forth. I already made few decisions that themselves were difficult before but now they seem obvious and extremely easy. I feel this is an opportunity to be happy, become wiser, and do something that counts. I think this is a time when I get to do the stuff that I would regret not doing when I grew old and lived a boring life.

I'm not a terminal patient per se. There's always hope. I know this is starting to sound korny but I don't care. I can either become miserable and kill myself and call it control of my own life, or I can be happy and do something that counts. I'd rather choose the last option. And fact is, this field develops rapidly. It would be amazing to see no advances at all should I live this estimated 10 to 17 years.

Not that I'm an expert, but I'd say you have a good attitude that may be of benefit to the outcome.

[MrFun]

Keep at it, Super Citizen.

[Pekka]

Not that I'm an expert, but I'd say you have a good attitude that may be of benefit to the outcome.

I think so too. I think I need to be generally healthy and this will help me a lot. If not, at least it'll provide good data for future research. As one could expect, my state (emotional) goes is on a rollercoaster ride. One thinks of the question "what if I knew how much time I have to live". I kind of know. Or would I give up for fight? I KNOW I'm fighting. I feel optimistic. There are inspirational things such as human genome project. In my case, I'll get to know which gene is dysfunctional as in mutated or deleted. Couple of years ago this meant little, today, it's a huge deal. The one suspected is actually one of the most researched genes and it doesn't detect anomalities nor does it correct them, but should it work correctly, this is what it would do. It has been already made (the reverse) of this problem possible in theory, in vitro (think of jars). It hasn't been successful with animals yet, though they have discovered the gene and its chromosom in many animals. This is also good news. With the tech today, it's a question of time when this works. Or at least that a medicine is developed that considerably gives a lower mortality rate or longer time to live.

THe one I have might be very rare in fact, but this only gives me more hope. Why? BEcause then I get to look for the researchers and specialists interested in this particular conditition that is present in only 1 out of 100 000 people. They might be interested in data. I'm definitely up for research. There's lots of things I can do even myself. And it's my own route. If it doesn't work at the end, at least I tried and hopefully there was knowledge gained and it helps someone else, and in the meanwhile I will live happily. There are worse ways to go, worse ways to live. All in all, I'm not that unfortunate.

[GeoModder]

Just read about this.

Best of life, Pekka.
And good to hear you're becoming a daddy.