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By Al Bunbury, Associated Press Writer – 4 hr 21 mins ago
WASHINGTON – Former Vice President Dick Cheney, to a tremulous press corps Friday afternoon, announced that the Republicans have seized a long sought triumph which eluded them during the entire administration of President George W Bush. As he stepped up to the podium, he began his speech with a very strong opening salvo.
"Many thought we couldn't do it. Others dissuaded us from the path. A few rabble rousers within the party suggested we adopt alien concepts such as humility and compromise and abandon our quest. Instead, we have forged ahead, on the path we charted 8 long years ago." proclaimed Cheney.
After a slight pause, he continued:
"For years I have wanted to speak out on the topic, but our progress was hindered by those who feared the political consequences of our actions. Finally, now that I no longer bear the burdens as a representative of the people, I feel free to come clean on the dirty laundry of the Bush administration." Cheney continued, provoking murmurs throughout the crowd as to the nature of these accusations, and the thrill of anticipation riveted all eyes on Cheney.
"I would like to announce that the Republican party has finally bought out the last holdout, in our quest to achieve monopoly control of hypocrisy."
Dick Cheney took a pause to thunderous applause of the gallery. Much speculation has been seen throughout the media as to the overall goals of the Bush administration, which perplexed the finest minds of the day. As remaked by Al Gore, who commented that Bush was, as usual, "pure and utter ****e", and Al Franken, "he was without the redeeming quality of innocence possessed by our chimpanzee ancestors," both had affirmed that it was obvious Cheney was the power behind throne, pulling the strings of his perplexed puppet. Finally, we have the confirmation, not only of his role, but the goals.
Cheney continued, discussing the role in which Obama made the triumph that much more difficult to acheive.
"He made our job extremely difficult. All the talk about Hope and Change, it's amazing we even got a word in edgewise. However, his inner goodness and honesty eventually shone through, leading to a remarkable era of transparency and benevolence. It was only after this burst that we were able to destroy many of our last competitors in the field of hypocrisy."
One staffer asked the question as to whether the defection of Senator Spector had anything to do with the recent triumph.
Cheney proceeded, remarking, "It was essential. As the most principled moderate in the party, he had been a thorn in our side for years! Imagine my joy when I heard that the Democrats offered to retain his seniority in the Senate, if he agreed to switch sides. The thrill of no longer having to carry water for the Republican party was a siren spell irresistable to Specter."
Another staffer asked who was the final owner of hypocrisy that refused to sell out to the Republican administration.
Cheney was quick to reply. "None other then Nancy Pelosi. When she admitted that she had been a proponent of waterboarding, the game was up. We had urged her ceaselessly to admit her support for torture, and how she agreed with the administration all along, but she was reluctant. Her recent announcement brought us over the top.
When asked as to the plans of the Republican party now that they have a monopoly on hypocrisy, he cautioned speculation. "Hypocrisy is an incredibly powerful weapon. We intend to employ it first to deny the Democrats their rightful nominees, in spite of their cooperation over the years of the Bush Adminstration. The power of the nation has clearly shifted to the courts, where you can lock in policy decisions for decades, with the swoop of one nomination.
Obama would be wise to respect our new-found power, and appoint nominees with moderate tendencies. This will only further serve in contrast to the Bush administration's policies of appointing only the most hard core right wing to lock down the courts to progressivism.
Thanking the crowd for their time, Cheney stepped down and walked quickly into his black helocopter whisking him to points unknown.
WASHINGTON – Former Vice President Dick Cheney, to a tremulous press corps Friday afternoon, announced that the Republicans have seized a long sought triumph which eluded them during the entire administration of President George W Bush. As he stepped up to the podium, he began his speech with a very strong opening salvo.
"Many thought we couldn't do it. Others dissuaded us from the path. A few rabble rousers within the party suggested we adopt alien concepts such as humility and compromise and abandon our quest. Instead, we have forged ahead, on the path we charted 8 long years ago." proclaimed Cheney.
After a slight pause, he continued:
"For years I have wanted to speak out on the topic, but our progress was hindered by those who feared the political consequences of our actions. Finally, now that I no longer bear the burdens as a representative of the people, I feel free to come clean on the dirty laundry of the Bush administration." Cheney continued, provoking murmurs throughout the crowd as to the nature of these accusations, and the thrill of anticipation riveted all eyes on Cheney.
"I would like to announce that the Republican party has finally bought out the last holdout, in our quest to achieve monopoly control of hypocrisy."
Dick Cheney took a pause to thunderous applause of the gallery. Much speculation has been seen throughout the media as to the overall goals of the Bush administration, which perplexed the finest minds of the day. As remaked by Al Gore, who commented that Bush was, as usual, "pure and utter ****e", and Al Franken, "he was without the redeeming quality of innocence possessed by our chimpanzee ancestors," both had affirmed that it was obvious Cheney was the power behind throne, pulling the strings of his perplexed puppet. Finally, we have the confirmation, not only of his role, but the goals.
Cheney continued, discussing the role in which Obama made the triumph that much more difficult to acheive.
"He made our job extremely difficult. All the talk about Hope and Change, it's amazing we even got a word in edgewise. However, his inner goodness and honesty eventually shone through, leading to a remarkable era of transparency and benevolence. It was only after this burst that we were able to destroy many of our last competitors in the field of hypocrisy."
One staffer asked the question as to whether the defection of Senator Spector had anything to do with the recent triumph.
Cheney proceeded, remarking, "It was essential. As the most principled moderate in the party, he had been a thorn in our side for years! Imagine my joy when I heard that the Democrats offered to retain his seniority in the Senate, if he agreed to switch sides. The thrill of no longer having to carry water for the Republican party was a siren spell irresistable to Specter."
Another staffer asked who was the final owner of hypocrisy that refused to sell out to the Republican administration.
Cheney was quick to reply. "None other then Nancy Pelosi. When she admitted that she had been a proponent of waterboarding, the game was up. We had urged her ceaselessly to admit her support for torture, and how she agreed with the administration all along, but she was reluctant. Her recent announcement brought us over the top.
When asked as to the plans of the Republican party now that they have a monopoly on hypocrisy, he cautioned speculation. "Hypocrisy is an incredibly powerful weapon. We intend to employ it first to deny the Democrats their rightful nominees, in spite of their cooperation over the years of the Bush Adminstration. The power of the nation has clearly shifted to the courts, where you can lock in policy decisions for decades, with the swoop of one nomination.
Obama would be wise to respect our new-found power, and appoint nominees with moderate tendencies. This will only further serve in contrast to the Bush administration's policies of appointing only the most hard core right wing to lock down the courts to progressivism.
Thanking the crowd for their time, Cheney stepped down and walked quickly into his black helocopter whisking him to points unknown.
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