I guess I wanted someone else to know as well

[MattBowron]

Pekka, if you don't mind me asking, what are you studying?

[Pekka]

Darius, impossible. I mean last week I started my routine a bit, but when this thing hits, it's not possible to work out. It's impossible to get outside the door even.

matt, I do security.

[Kidlicious]

Pekka,

Join a support group. Try a few out. Keep going and hang in there. Best of luck.

PS. I joined a support group once. I moved to another city and don't go at this time, but I've been thinking about joining another one. My ex is a drug addict and my mother has mental problems. I have to deal with stuff myself obviously.

Support groups can often help people who don't think they can help.

[MattBowron]

well pekka, i can at least say that security is gonna be a big thing in the future as well as the present, so you definitely won't be out of a job

One thing that might interest you and might also provide you with a bit of levity is a science fiction book I got recently called Halting State by Charles Stross. It's about where a robbery takes place in a Virtual Game World around 2018 AD, which costs the company millions, but also involves info-terrorism and new forms of security tracking such as cell-dar (cellular based radar) terahertz systems, gene-scan kits in suitcases and does it mixed with humour, fantasy and science fiction immersive gaming and a second person perspective like the old Role Playing Games used to go

sorry if i'm sounding like a bloody advertising troll, but i thought it might give you some things to think about as well as show you some people in a few positions worse off than yours

best of luck to your course

peace

matt

[Pekka]

It's OK but I can't read even my own fun books I haven't yet read. I just can't open up a book, concentrate and read it. I have 0 concentration.

I must be the only person with possibly major depression who actually gains weight. I don't think I eat much more but it seems like I'm putting on weight fast. Oh well.

[MattBowron]

mate, not that i'm trying to have a competition about who's in the worser condition, but i have post-traumatic-stress-disorder, plus depression plus ADD, believe me I know a lot about not concentrating... where was I again?

I'm not saying however that what you're feeling isn't important, what I am saying is that its survivable, if there's anything more I can do to help, chat to, talk about stuff, i'm here for you mate, believe me i wish i could wave a magic wand and make all your problems disappear, but then if i had a real magic wand who knows what mischeif i'd get up too... hmm....

well if there's anything i can do, drop in on me at msn at if you want to chat, or we'll just exchange PM if that'll help, wish i could do more though, i really do

[Kidlicious]

Not being able to concentrate sounds like obsession. Anyway, try some different support groups in your area. Get some literature and force yourself to read it. Listen too people and what they have to say. Then start attending meetings.

[Provost Harrison]

Matt, I would really not directly post your email address like that, it gets picked up and don't be surprised if you get spammed to death.

But yeah, depression is something that I have suffered from twice in my life (and we're not talking short bouts either). My most recent depression was shorter and I was able to fix the symptoms medically and the underlying causes of it. Get medical help if you don't think you can cope!

[Julian Delphiki]

Originally posted by Pekka
It's OK but I can't read even my own fun books I haven't yet read. I just can't open up a book, concentrate and read it. I have 0 concentration.

I must be the only person with possibly major depression who actually gains weight. I don't think I eat much more but it seems like I'm putting on weight fast. Oh well.

Gaining weight is actually common i think, even if you don't eat much the do-nothing-thing will do that.

[Darius871]

Originally posted by Pekka
Darius, impossible. I mean last week I started my routine a bit, but when this thing hits, it's not possible to work out. It's impossible to get outside the door even.

Here's an idea then:

[Provost Harrison]

My weight doesn't tend to be directly linked to my depression, although with not being depressed recently I have had a lot of motivation and have been able to go to the gym and exercise plenty to the point where I am in pretty good condition now. 10km in 49mins...I'm improving, and quickly

[Kidlicious]

It's sounds like drugs have helped PH a lot, and I don't want to say this about him or anyone else in particular, but my ex-wife took happy pills and they made her happy, but they didn't really make her better if you know what I mean. So I think drugs can help, or they might hurt, but the solution is elsewhere I think a lof of the time. In some cases you might just need happy pills though maybe.

[Cort Haus]

I'm really sorry to hear about this, Pekka. All I can suggest is to try and focus on the light at the end of the tunnel.

The move to Atlanta might be that light, and while you might not consider people you know online as friends, a lot of us here do care about you, so you needn't feel alone in the world.

I really, really, really wish you well and have confidence in you that, however dark and hopeless things feel now, you can pull through it, and you will have a bright future.

Hang on in there, and good luck, mate.

[Pekka]

Kid, I'd suppose it would help me as well, but the psychologist said there's no time to start it because I'm moving so quickly. I mean no time to even consider it, to which I said fine and I understand that it's not possible. So I'm trying to work this out, but I'm running out of time because I'm supposed to move soon.

Today was a perfect example of my inability to even think. Granted, it not an easy thing, since I had a bit help with my theory development, right? And we're paying so much attention to the validity and all that stuff, the rigor of it all and evaluation methods are very strict because it's supposed to be an actual theory whereas most aren't even though they claim to be, so basically I had very little to contribute. My biggest effort was that I went there to sit and stare. I didn't understand much of the help I got.

Another thing and this sucks so badly, supposedly one of the key applications (funding) didn't go through. But it recieved the highest points in evaluation. So that makes sense, you get to have the highest scoring project, but still others get the money. So my job is constantly at danger from all sides. You know? It really sucks. THe way it looks now, we'll know in fall what happens, but if we don't get it fixed, it's FUBARed. That means I wasted more than a year for nothing. And they're like offering me this teaching job, but **** that. I don't want to teach ****ty courses here with slave wage. I came to do THIS job, not teach.

And I know they're lying bunch of ****heads because I know they're trying to get me a job and all so if the project funding doesn't come through, you know... but it's not good enough. I came to do THIS thing, not teaching. I can teach on the side for sures, but it's because I get to do the project. That was the reason I came here. It sucks, the reasons suck even more, to get the most valued project and yet no moeny because... hmmmm.... where's the logic again????!!!!

And I don't have a back up plan because this is the only thing that I love and I sacrificed everything for this so if this just disappears.... man, I don't even want to think about it. I'm unable to plan now anyway so it doesn't matter.

This isn't the first time I'm afraid for my job. It sucks to be afraid of my own job all the time when it's the only thing keeping me walking. I've been thinking it'll be all worth it when I get this thing done. But if that seems to be always a question mark, it just sucks. There's still chances for the funding of course, but they just got considerably lower. My boss is getting rid of everyone right now anyway, everyone who is partially in has to go. So he's already saving the remainings of this project..... that dude should lower his own damn salary, he gets so much money from this it's like... he costs more alone than all of us together and he's always doing his own things and not even help me or my co-worker friend. He should earn his own damn salary and stop letting people go, because this also means that the two of us have even more work to do now, and my work friend is getting tired as well. She's always saying she'll quit, it's just talk but if this **** keeps up, she will and it also means failure as far as my job goes. It's all so risky, and oyu know what, it sucks because our project produces more publications and results than other projects in here. We've got most of just about everything. And when it comes to functioning, no soup for you. It sucks so bad, people don't know what it's like when you're constantly getting messages that it's going down because of this or that. It translates to me "your life is over because of X or Y". That's what it says to me. And people say, well get a new job. Easy for ****ers to say that in here, they LIVE here and have everything in here, of course they can get another job. Well I CAME here and gave up everything, including my health. So don't you dare to take this away from me. It still is my dream and to take it away like that is something I don't even want to think. I can't imagine a crushing blow that woudl be worse for me right now.

So I hope things will be fixed ASAP.

[Barnabas]

Have you tried eating or drinking your way out of this depression?