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... that I'm in deep trouble. I thought this was going into better direction but it's not. I'm not going to say everything, but I'll just say the things I'm dealing with. But let's just say things aren't good, they're the opposite. I never wanted to make a thread in here but I'm becoming more and more desperate as the hours go by.
Hours, a concept I know no more. Time has totally lost its grip on me. Everything is fuzzy time wise. I've wasted last 6 months completely. I moved a long way to a new place, something I've done repeatedly in the last 5 years. Always a new place, but I've always made friends fast and had a new life. Now I have no life, except one of constant misery. It's not just some ordinary misery, it's one where I'm losing myself. It's been too long. I'm trapped inside my house. I've become to hate my house. I absolutely hate my house and everything in it. I hate this city as well.
I've made no progress what so ever. Professionally it would be difficult and frustrating, but it extends to my personal life as well. I have 0 new friends. It's the only possibility anwyay, because I haven't gone and socialized, so it would be impossible to have friends. I never realized how hard it can be because I've never experienced it before. But now I can't just drive to see old friends so I don't really see my friends at all and they don't pretty much call me. With all of this, managing friendships has become nearly impossible. I've become so lonely that it hurts physically. Sometimes I can't sleep at all. Sometimes I can go a week or more with 1 hour sleep because that's all I get. I've started to become afraid to leave the house even though I hate it. I have tremendous anxiety most times when I'm alone and I'm alone a lot. I have deep troubles that have gone without a fix for 6 months so it's crushing me.
I had an appointment with a psychologist but it didn't go well. There's no time for therapy or anything because I'm leaving to the US soon, in 6 weeks. I'm afraid what will happen. Yet another move and I've managed to injure myself so I'm just not very good at managing things, including my own life. I have no money. Absolutely no money, I have 7 euros on my account. So even if I had something to do, most things I can't. Everything reminds me of this state, everything reminds me of my problems. I just realized that I have gone 6 months without any real human touch. I've shakend hands with few people and given money in the store, but that's about it. I've alienated myself from humans so now it is very difficult to get what I need the most. So this is putting it nicely. I have no way of controlling these things. I have constant strong negative feelings and they're dominating my whole presence. I stay inside and I hate it, in this twisted time world, I no longer know what it means. I have 0 accomplishments with my last 6 months. You know, if you go to a birthday party, or if you go to a friends place, these all count. I have 0 accomplishments in my last 6 months. It's very difficult to even comprehend and what it does.
I'm afraid of weekends. They're the worst. At least on week days I get to go to work. There's people there. Lately I haven't accomplished anything at work either. It's distressing. I can't read or write anymore. This week I had my first chat with my boss over skype, a real chat, and it seems like I've been doing the wrong things. Not that he really told me to do other things and I thought I was doing the right things, but he wanted me to do theory developing first. So now I'm at home once agian as always, in deep trouble, trying to think how I can pull this off, even more so now because I can't read or write. First version is supposed to be ready in 6 weeks. So professionally, everything I did was just reversed with this, so in fact all that effort, ALL those long weekends and nights and everythign I worked was simply not what he wanted to have. It seems like a crushing blow, it would of course to anyone who worked for 6 months to realize it was for nothing, but I sacrificed those weekends and nights to get tha tgood start, so I could relax and get that social life and hang out. But it never happened. And I don't get paid to do OT, so I gave it all up for this. DIdn't ask for anything in return. Now it's too late. Now I've got 6 weeks to .... it's all ****ed up. He put his name on the line to get me there, but he never told me anything! So now he's pissed off because "well that's what you're supposed to do here, to get help for your theory with these few top guys!". Funny, the first time he e-mailed me about it, the top guys "were busy" and mostly I would just work my stuff myself like I've done here. So suddenly it's this? Great.
I dont' get guidance from him anyway. I haven't seen him since I took this job, not once. We've talked over skype, we started that.. this week. Maybe we talk again next year. He e-mails like a 5 year old, with yes or no answers. I'm lost with my work, totally lost now. He doesn't help me at all, even though it's his job. I get 0 guidance.
I hate this place and I hate myself. Unhappy is not the word I'd use. I don't get any joy from anything. I can't even watch movies. I cant' do anything, except wait. Wait, and sometimes I cry. I don't know usually why, but I just have so much anxiety and feel miserably that it's overwhelming. I don't know what to do. I need support, help, friendship and caring. None of these are present and I'm unable to go and get it. I'm getting trapped inside my house again, inside my head and there seems to be no escapes left. Strong sadness has somehow become me and I don't know how to undo that. So there, to put it all mildly and leaving most of it out.
I guess I just wanted someone else to know as well. I'm going down fast again after having a decent week. I finally started feeling almost normal after a month of total suck. So I'm getting more and more desperate by the hour.
Hours, a concept I know no more. Time has totally lost its grip on me. Everything is fuzzy time wise. I've wasted last 6 months completely. I moved a long way to a new place, something I've done repeatedly in the last 5 years. Always a new place, but I've always made friends fast and had a new life. Now I have no life, except one of constant misery. It's not just some ordinary misery, it's one where I'm losing myself. It's been too long. I'm trapped inside my house. I've become to hate my house. I absolutely hate my house and everything in it. I hate this city as well.
I've made no progress what so ever. Professionally it would be difficult and frustrating, but it extends to my personal life as well. I have 0 new friends. It's the only possibility anwyay, because I haven't gone and socialized, so it would be impossible to have friends. I never realized how hard it can be because I've never experienced it before. But now I can't just drive to see old friends so I don't really see my friends at all and they don't pretty much call me. With all of this, managing friendships has become nearly impossible. I've become so lonely that it hurts physically. Sometimes I can't sleep at all. Sometimes I can go a week or more with 1 hour sleep because that's all I get. I've started to become afraid to leave the house even though I hate it. I have tremendous anxiety most times when I'm alone and I'm alone a lot. I have deep troubles that have gone without a fix for 6 months so it's crushing me.
I had an appointment with a psychologist but it didn't go well. There's no time for therapy or anything because I'm leaving to the US soon, in 6 weeks. I'm afraid what will happen. Yet another move and I've managed to injure myself so I'm just not very good at managing things, including my own life. I have no money. Absolutely no money, I have 7 euros on my account. So even if I had something to do, most things I can't. Everything reminds me of this state, everything reminds me of my problems. I just realized that I have gone 6 months without any real human touch. I've shakend hands with few people and given money in the store, but that's about it. I've alienated myself from humans so now it is very difficult to get what I need the most. So this is putting it nicely. I have no way of controlling these things. I have constant strong negative feelings and they're dominating my whole presence. I stay inside and I hate it, in this twisted time world, I no longer know what it means. I have 0 accomplishments with my last 6 months. You know, if you go to a birthday party, or if you go to a friends place, these all count. I have 0 accomplishments in my last 6 months. It's very difficult to even comprehend and what it does.
I'm afraid of weekends. They're the worst. At least on week days I get to go to work. There's people there. Lately I haven't accomplished anything at work either. It's distressing. I can't read or write anymore. This week I had my first chat with my boss over skype, a real chat, and it seems like I've been doing the wrong things. Not that he really told me to do other things and I thought I was doing the right things, but he wanted me to do theory developing first. So now I'm at home once agian as always, in deep trouble, trying to think how I can pull this off, even more so now because I can't read or write. First version is supposed to be ready in 6 weeks. So professionally, everything I did was just reversed with this, so in fact all that effort, ALL those long weekends and nights and everythign I worked was simply not what he wanted to have. It seems like a crushing blow, it would of course to anyone who worked for 6 months to realize it was for nothing, but I sacrificed those weekends and nights to get tha tgood start, so I could relax and get that social life and hang out. But it never happened. And I don't get paid to do OT, so I gave it all up for this. DIdn't ask for anything in return. Now it's too late. Now I've got 6 weeks to .... it's all ****ed up. He put his name on the line to get me there, but he never told me anything! So now he's pissed off because "well that's what you're supposed to do here, to get help for your theory with these few top guys!". Funny, the first time he e-mailed me about it, the top guys "were busy" and mostly I would just work my stuff myself like I've done here. So suddenly it's this? Great.
I dont' get guidance from him anyway. I haven't seen him since I took this job, not once. We've talked over skype, we started that.. this week. Maybe we talk again next year. He e-mails like a 5 year old, with yes or no answers. I'm lost with my work, totally lost now. He doesn't help me at all, even though it's his job. I get 0 guidance.
I hate this place and I hate myself. Unhappy is not the word I'd use. I don't get any joy from anything. I can't even watch movies. I cant' do anything, except wait. Wait, and sometimes I cry. I don't know usually why, but I just have so much anxiety and feel miserably that it's overwhelming. I don't know what to do. I need support, help, friendship and caring. None of these are present and I'm unable to go and get it. I'm getting trapped inside my house again, inside my head and there seems to be no escapes left. Strong sadness has somehow become me and I don't know how to undo that. So there, to put it all mildly and leaving most of it out.
I guess I just wanted someone else to know as well. I'm going down fast again after having a decent week. I finally started feeling almost normal after a month of total suck. So I'm getting more and more desperate by the hour.
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